Thursday, December 27, 2007

Countdown to '08 - The Boston Red Sox


Team: Boston Red Sox
Claim to Fame: Reigning World Series Champs...Complaining about the Yankee's payroll even though the Sox are second in line...Thinking Kevin Youkilis is cool.
Recent Free Agent Underwear Skid-Mark: J.D. "I don't give a fuck about baseball, I just want to kill animals" Drew, and Julio 'I slam my wife's head into car hoods in public" Lugo.
Food: Dirty Hot Dog Water. Classy.
Pop Culture Reference: "Fever Pitch", a pile of shit film that praises the 2004 Red Sox, starring the always flaming Jimmy Fallon and the always fat-faced Drew Barrymore.
2008 Outlook: I'd rather not comment.

What can I say about the Red Sox? It fucking kills me to see that they will be as dominate again in 2008 as they were last year. They didn't lose anyone significant, and they have a shot at landing Johan Santana. If the latter happens, I might go to Boston and strangle Theo Epstein with a coat hanger.

But before you fucking asshole columnists, who would rather blow Josh Beckett than save a drowning sibling, crown them champs again, here are a few things to think about...

He throws 400 pitches on his off days. Nobody stops him - they think it's part of an old Japanese ritual, because they're from Boston, and they're ignorant racists. Then he breaks down in August, sucking hard through October. Is there a parallel here? If you don't see it, well, good. I can't wait to watch him unravel like a nymphotic sorority girl on spring break.

Curt Schilling
What a fucking d-bag. If you haven't read his blog, go read it. I mentioned it a few posts back - he sounds like a struggling 12 year old who hasn't discovered he's dyslexic yet. I can't stand him, I'd rather the Sox trade for Santana and kick Schilling's fucking ass out of Boston, just so I wouldn't have to hear about him anymore.

Jacoby Ellsbury/Jon Lester
Let me put it this way - if I was a Boston fan, and these guys turn out to be nothing but average players, I would burn down Fenway. I'd burn down the fucking Pesky Pole and the fucking Green Monster. I would burn down Stephen King's house and I would burn down Ben Affleck's house and I would burn down Dane Cook's house twice because he's not even a real fan. Why? Because now that Boston has refused to deal them together for Santana, they need to become stars. And it's not like Jon Lester hasn't gone through enough already - oh you know, surviving cancer - now he has to worry about a bunch of gouteed nerds and fat girls booing him if he doesn't win 20 games. Fuck Boston.

Odds of Boston making the Playoffs in '08: Same odds as Big Papi eating a busload of children.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Highway Robbery


Do you know who Carlos Silva is?

If you answered "yes", then you are either a Twins fan, a Mariners fan, or a douche-bag who follows the baseball free-agent wire like a fat kid following the smell of onion rings and cholesterol riddled adult obesity(me).

But for those of you who don't fall into any of the categories listed above, I'm going to let you in on some ridiculous shit: Carlos Silva was recently signed by the Seattle Mariners to a 4 year, $48 million contract. Breaking it down for all you people out there who are better at getting creepy drunk during work functions than they are at completing simple mathematical problems(me), that's $12 million a year.

Carlos Silva is a fucking thief. On moral grounds alone, he should turn himself in to the Venezuelan Policia. Why is he a free man right now? It doesn't make sense, because we all know Silva is going to start the season - suck - then continuously kick all those rainy Mariners fans in the balls for the remainder of the regular season. The contract's a disaster. He got an $8 million raise for having an under .500 winning percentage and an ERA above 4.00. Do you know what other legends parallels him to?

1. Gil Heredia (career record: 57-51)
2. Scott Bankhead (sounds like a porn star. A gay one.)
3. Ramiro Mendoza (fuck him, he left the Yankees for Boston and did steroids with Tom Seaver)
4. Ed Lynch (cried in Jeff Pearlman's book about the '86 Mets because he was traded mid-season)
5. Bill Fischer (Chess phenom Bobby Fischer's half-brother, ended up selling fanny packs to D.C. tourists)

A sick group of lucrative champions right there...

Do you think any of these guys could warrant Silva's $12 million-a-year price tag in today's market? Do you think these guys would be pursued by any MLB teams today, other than the depressing Royals and the throat-slashing Marlins? Nope. These guys all blew in their own special way, respectively.

The Mariners are dimwits. They pulled the same dumb-shit antics last off season when they gave Jeff Weaver a ton of money after seeing him pitch well during the 2006 postseason - ignoring the fact that he went 8-14 during the regular season. And what did he end up doing for the Mariners after his heroic stretch against the choke-artist Mets and cocky Tigers? He shit his pants all year. Shit the floor, shit the couch, shit the clubhouse - a fucking mess. Same story with Miguel Batista. Yeah, great, Miguel won 16 games, whoo-hoo...he fucking sucks. The Mariners also dealt away a very good reliever in Rafael Soriano for another crappy starter, Horacio Ramirez, who should do everyone a favor and ram a screwdriver into his eyeball.

I don't know who's running the show up there, but if I was a fan of the Mariners, I would drive my car onto the field opening day and try and plow into every single piece of shit pitching for the team. Then I would reverse my car and run over that fucking doof Richie Sexson. What's up with him? He makes more income than the entire GNP of India, but does nothing except hit pop flies and the occasional HR when the team is already down 16-0.

It's a truly sad state of affairs when retarded franchises begin giving #4 starters multi-year Baller-ass, fuck-the-police, who-give-a-shit-it's-only-paper-money deals...

What a bunch of fucking losers.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

I.Q. Test: Eli vs. Bag of Dirt


Well, the results are in!! In what comes as no shock at all to this reporter, the bag of dirt narrowly snatches victory over NY Giants 4th year quarterback Eli Manning in the much anticipated I.Q. Test. The bag of dirt (thought to be high quality Georgia topsoil) won by the slimmest of margins, coming in with a 0, to Mannings -0.1 score on the test. When asked about his win, the dirt said he's also planning on trying out for the Giants next year to steal Eli's job, and has already put a call into his wife in an attempt to steal her too, which was not immediately returned. Congratulations, Dirt!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

An Open Letter to Curt Schilling

Dear Curt,

Shut the fuck up. Seriously, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

You're annoying. You're a fucking idiot. Learn some grammar. Learn sentence structure. If you insist on writing a blog like every other loser in the US (me), then at least try and make it sound like it's written by an educated person, not a slightly impaired adult who wears pleated Dockers and likes watching reruns of "The Facts of Life".

"Give back your Cy Young's Roger...Look at me everyone, I'm so honest, I have a blog..."

Get over yourself, douche-bag. I hate Roger too, but who are you to decide what the final punishment should be? I'd rather hear Milton Bradley talk about etiqutte and suspensions, than listen to you preach about the repercussions from Mitchell Report. Go drive your Dodge Ram into a telephone pole.

Look, I get the Catch 22 here, I'm writing this letter in a blog that 10 other people read, but you're a professional, you don't need a blog. Nobody besides the nerds in Red Sox Nation want to hear your opinion. ESPN thinks you are a fucking voice of reason. Don't ask me why, because you're not. You're an asshole. Maybe you should start worrying about pitching instead of trying to please The Sons of Sam Horn. Stop throwing your two cents in on anything and everything that's going on with baseball.

Awww, you don't want the Red Sox to trade for Johan Santana because you're fucking pals with Jacoby Ellsbury? Are you fucking kidding me? You don't want your "friends" leaving the team? What are you, fucking six years old? Grow up.

And speaking of that post, Coco Crisp is not better than Melky Cabrera...Period. You say Melky has a "decent" arm? Do you watch the games you're not pitching in, or do you go into the clubhouse and update your Myspace page? Get over this "Every Player in Boston is Mightier" shit. Coco Crisp sucks. Baseball's a business, not the fucking "Friends Forever Club".

Anyway, stop posting your trash for the sake of everyone else south of Bristol, Ct. I know you're scared because you're going to be irrelevant once you retire - until your name comes up on the Hall of Fame ballot for the first time and you don't make it in. And once that happens, I know you'll be back up posting "Vote for Me" and "I Deserve it, I Didn't do Steroids" nonsense once again. Save yourself the embarrassment. Go stick your fucking head in the oven, dickhead.



The link to Douche-Face's blog

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

B Actor Creepy Comparison #3

Watching Dan Haren get traded to Arizona was tough. Trying to figure out who he looked like was tougher. But I figured it out. He looks like that creepy bastard Leo 'Telly' Fitzpatrick from that shitty movie "Kids". I wonder if Dan Haren has been to the clinic lately...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My Own Mitchell Report

Steroids Schmeroids...

Okay, so old man Mitchell threw out some sexy names in his steroids investigation. So what? Does this really mean anything? Does this mean other players are getting off clean? No, it doesn't.

Look, we all know Roger Clemens did steroids. He's insane. I used to attribute his quirks to being from Texas, because people from Texas are fucking nuts, but that's not the case. It was all 'roid rage. I'm actually surprised he didn't kill someone. But then again, if these pitchers are coming out as HGH and PED users, I think it's only fair that we look backat other pitchers to see if any any of them liked the old poke-me-in-the-behind-and-watch-me-rake.

Here's my take:

Nolan Ryan

He struck out 78,456 hitters. He pitched well into his forties, still having a productive season at 45 years old. Can this longevity be attributed to hard work and eating fucking Wheaties? No. It's because of steroids. How was he able to beat up the much younger and more fit Robin Ventura? Steroids. Throw seven no-hitters? Steroids. That guy he behind the Stadium at Arlington with his bare hands*? Steroids. So let's pull his name out of the hall, because he's obviously a cheater too.
*may be false information

Sandy Koufax

A mediocre pitcher for his first 6 season in the majors. Then at 25, he miraculously turns into one of the most dominate lefties ever. How? How the fuck do you think? Roids! Lots and lots and lots of them. He was taking them by the handful. Deca, HGH, you name it, he stuck it in his ass. And then he retires abruptly at 30 years old. I attribute this odd behavior to the after affects of steroid abuse. Did you ever see that HBO special where a young Ben Affleck is a high school juicer? That was based on Koufax. Except Koufax wasn't in high school and he didn't beat up his mom and girlfriend...Or did he?

Satchell Paige

I'd like to list his Negro League stats, but doesn't have them. Racists. But they do have his major league stats. He pitched 3 innings of 1 hit ball at 58 years old. That's how old Jim Belushi would be today. And Jim Belushi is dead. So it goes to show, if Belushi had done steroids, he would still be alive right now and he would be dominating hitters with his charming wit and devastating changeup.

Bob Gibson

He was the most intimidating pitcher of his era. Batters were terrified of him. And do you know why? Because he was known to fly off the handle at the slightest irritation. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL, MOTHERFUCKER? I WAS WATCHING THAT BITCH LUCY GIVE IT TO RICKY, GODDAMMIT! Batters were horrified of Gibson because his pregame ritual consisted of going to the visiting team's clubhouse before a game and clubbing one of their bat-boys to death with a night stick. Seriously, he was a maniac. You didn't mess with Gibson, because when he wasn't busying killing you, he was striking you out with high-and-tight fastballs aimed at your ugly face.

Tom Seaver

It's a little known secret that Tom Seaver did steroids while he was on the Red Sox. And he did them with Carl Yastrzemski, Carlton Fisk, Jim Rice, David Ortiz, Jason Varitek and Ted Williams. Fucking cheaters.

All of this info just goes to show how steroids in baseball is nothing new. George Mitchell is not a fucking pioneer. He's an old man, and he's lonely as shit. All he wants to do is drag people's names down with him, because in the next few days, another report will reveal how he solicited sex from underage male prostitutes while vacationing in Acapulco.

* Nothing in this post is true. Yet.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Less Creepy Comparison #2

This isn't really that creepy, but it's a comparison none the less. I don't know, it's just been bothering me for a long time and I've never been able to tell anyone. A former Mets reliever that never amounted to anything, Grant Roberts, looks EXACTLY like Marky Mark.

'C'mon, C'mon...Feel it, feel it...Feel the vibration!'

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Kenny, Baby, Bubala...It SHOULD have been you, Kid!

Ahh, what might have been...

Ok WMHG readers, quick quiz. Raise your hand if you remember right around 1991 when Ken "the kid" Griffey Jr. was on the Mariners and also was the youngest, most exciting, most explosive player with the brightest future in all of baseball. Raise 'em up high so I can count. (By the way, those Mariners uniforms were ridiculous right before he came up to the bigs, right? With the trident for the 'M' on the hat. Did he ever wear those? I wonder.)

That's right, all of you did.

And you had good reason. From 1989-2000, the first 12 years of his career, (including the '94 strike shortened year and '95 and '96 when he suffered wrist injuries, the first of which was from that sweet catch where he crashed into the wall in center) he hit 438 homers. 438 HOME RUNS. FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY EIGHT H-O-M-E R-U-N-S. He was only 30 at the end of that run. 10 consecutive Gold Gloves in the AL. 11 straight All-Star games. An MVP. King Kong didn't have shit on him. (Points if you know what movie that's from)

However, in the next 7 seasons he hit only 155 dingers (which still ain't bad). But why'd he slow down so much?

Well a funny thing happened. A combination of things, really, I like to call real life.

You see, I'm not a doctor, I don't play one on TV, and I've never to my knowledge ever even been in a Holiday Inn Express, let alone stay in one last night. But I'm pretty sure when humans turn 30, especially humans that have subjected themselves to consistent and prolonged physical stress, they start to get hurt.

Here is Junior Griffey's injury history from 2001 on... brought to you by my friends at Actually, I've never met any of them. I don't even know if there is a 'them'. Maybe it's just one of those big WWII vacuum-tube based computers that take up entire rooms. Anyway, here it is:

Apr 30,2001 - 15 Day Disabled list - (Partial tear in left hamstring)
Apr 7,2002 - 15 Day Disabled list - (partially tore the patella tendon and partially dislocated his right kneecap)
Jun 25,2002 - 15 Day Disabled list - (strained right hamstring)
Apr 7,2003 - 15 Day Disabled list - (dislocated right shoulder)
Jul 11,2004 - 15 Day Disabled list - (partial tear of his right hamstring muscle)
Aug 12,2004 - 15 Day Disabled list - (complete tear of his right hamstring)
Apr 17,2006 - 15 Day Disabled list - (Injury unknown)*

(*=Injury unknown? Are you kidding me? What was he, in the CIA? Hey, that's what it said)

Hmmm, looks like it's hard for normal human beings, even those with exceptional physical gifts to play at their God or evolution given best (your preference) every day for their entire lives. Unless, of course, if you cheat.

Steroids would have been the answer to Griffey's problem. Thats what they do, they help you play at your absolute very best every day.* It's about recovery time.* According to Andy Pettitte, it's about healing from injuries faster. You know, like the injuries Griffey got giving his all 100% of the time, crashing into walls, playing every day, walking with his shoelaces untied, waking up in the morning and putting on a bathrobe, playing scrabble with his family, cooking chicken parmigiana, during "little kenny"time (you know, when he's alone) and any of the other 30,000 ways he got hurt.
(*= I have no idea what they actually do at all, that's just what I've heard/read and it sounds about right. I think I saw an interview with Hank Aaron saying that's what they do and if it came from Hammerin' Hank, thats good enough for me. I'd buy stock if the Hammer told me to.)

Now, I know I can't know for sure he never used, but to my knowledge he's never been seriously linked to steroids. Griffey wasn't in the Mitchell report. He's never been linked to steroids at all.
He did it on his own. McGwire didn't. Sosa didn't. Bonds didn't. Matt Williams even didn't. Hell, he looks like Homer Simpson and he was on steroids. But not Griffey, and he paid the price. The price of having a normal career. The career his body and modern training/medicine/science/zience allowed him to have. Just like everyone else that didn't use them. You know, those players from the 100 years of baseball played before the '80s.

Look, I know time goes on, things change, medical treatment improved, training improved. It's not 1929. We don't literally 'rub tobacco juice on it and get back out there' anymore. They did that, you know. The conversations went a little something like this:

"Skip, I broke my leg on that big hole in the field out there diving for the ball. I'm not sure if I can keep playing, even though I just finished playing the inning on 1 leg and had to tear my sleeve off to use as a tourniquet."
"Listen Stubby (random player I just made up), if you don't get out there right now and quit your belly-aching, I'll kick you off this team so fast you'll think I'm doing the Charleston (a very popular dance at the time) all over your ass! Now, rub some tobacco juice on it and get back out there, or I'm keeping the 40 cents your being paid today!! What are you, yella?"

See? I told you it it was rough back then. That shit doesn't happen anymore. These players are multi-million dollar investments and are taken out when they come to the stadium before the game and their socks don't match.

(Where was I...Ohh yeah, the game's changed and players are just naturally better.)

Times are different. The game is different. The players are different. But there's a reason no one broke Marris' record for a long, long, long time. IT WAS REALLY REALLY HARD TO DO. All of a sudden, 3 guys brake the record in like 10 minutes?!?!? WTF?! Half the balls they hit still haven't landed yet and they hit them 10 damn years ago. Thats right, the balls are still in flight. I know it sounds impossible but I watch a lot of shows on the Science Channel and believe me...string theory, dinosaurs, anything is possible. I think Bonds' 73rd hit Mir. Poor Russian bastards.

Anyway, the point is, the world would have been a better place if Griffey fulfilled his destiny and took his rightful place among the greats as the the right and true King of England, wait, I mean the guy who hit all the home runs. I know things didn't go well when he left Seattle and he's been surly in interviews, but he's the golden child with the million dollar smile. It would have been poetic. It would have been the way it's supposed to be. It would have been perfect. But he didn't cheat. He just played. Maybe if he did cheat, he would have done it despite the injuries. Although, now he'd be caught and exposed and that would really suck!

Injuries were what was in the cards for The Kid. So I guess by not changing his destiny, he fulfilled it after all.

Was that ending deep? Let us know at!! (NOT A REAL EMAIL ADDRESS....YET!)

Friday, December 14, 2007

Creepy Comparison #1

Someone made this comparison in "The Sports Guy" mailbag today. I couldn't agree more. So here it is:

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Prior Knowledge

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Mark Prior’s a free agent.

If this were 2004, I’d be lobbying for the Yankees to sign him. But then again, in 2004, I was jumping off roofs to win $50 bets, so my logic was slightly obtuse.

Now, Prior is just another example of a team over-extending a young arm for the greater glory of the franchise. Between him and Kerry Wood, Chicago has fucked up more young talent than

And here’s the kicker: Fans are calling him a “wuss”.

Here’s my problem with that. First, who the fuck says, “wuss”, anymore? Is this 1957? Are they on their way to a rumble with some greasers? Why don’t they call him “varmint”? That would at least be sort-of funny because it’s over-the-top retarded.

Second, how can Prior be considered a “wuss”? When Doctors tried to diagnose his problem, they came away baffled. I mean, these are the same doctors who can attach the arm of a fucking chimpanzee to a human-being, but couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Prior. And finally, when they opened it up, they discovered structural damage. That’s like a surveyor finding a faulty foundation after a building collapses and kills 75 people.

So Prior’s arm is shot. Or was shot. Do we know if he’ll ever be the same guy he was in 2003? No, we can’t be certain. But what I do know is, I wish it was 2004 (for several reasons), because then the Yankees would throw a ton of money at him, heal his arm with their magical superdust(steroids), and turn him into a 20 game winner.

I also think all those morons from Chicago should go out to their local Little League field and throw 221+ innings and then see if their arm feels any better. And then they should do a header into Lake Michigan.

On top of everything, the leaked Mitchell report is saying Prior took steroids. I don’t know what kind, and I’m not sure I care, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say he took them to heal his arm that was only attached by a piece of dental floss.

Thank you. I’m going to jump of a roof to make some money now.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tejada they Fall

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"Mierda ocurre..."

In what some baseball experts are calling a, “blockbuster trade”, Miguel Tejada was traded to the Houston Astros today for 4 guys you never heard of, and Luke Scott, a 29-year-old outfielder who will probably be selling gym memberships in two or three years.

Tejada forced his way out of Baltimore. I don’t blame him. Baltimore is a filthy shit-hole, and the owner of the Orioles (Peter Angelos) thinks it’s hysterical to flush his team down the toilet while signing nerds like Kevin Millar to be the face of the franchise. You know Millar, the inventor of, “Cowboy Up”, and all those other hokey/faggity shenanigans that came along with the 2004 Red Sox. Fuck him.

Fact Check: I hate Kevin Millar. But I digress…

Anyway...Miguel, have fun in Houston. Have fun trying to score 57 runs a game to win whenever Roy Oswalt isn’t on the mound. Have fun playing in that stupid park that has a fucking hill in centerfield, and a fucking choo-choo train riding around the outfield wall.

Where was I going with this?