Thursday, December 27, 2007

Countdown to '08 - The Boston Red Sox

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Team: Boston Red Sox
Claim to Fame: Reigning World Series Champs...Complaining about the Yankee's payroll even though the Sox are second in line...Thinking Kevin Youkilis is cool.
Recent Free Agent Underwear Skid-Mark: J.D. "I don't give a fuck about baseball, I just want to kill animals" Drew, and Julio 'I slam my wife's head into car hoods in public" Lugo.
Food: Dirty Hot Dog Water. Classy.
Pop Culture Reference: "Fever Pitch", a pile of shit film that praises the 2004 Red Sox, starring the always flaming Jimmy Fallon and the always fat-faced Drew Barrymore.
2008 Outlook: I'd rather not comment.

What can I say about the Red Sox? It fucking kills me to see that they will be as dominate again in 2008 as they were last year. They didn't lose anyone significant, and they have a shot at landing Johan Santana. If the latter happens, I might go to Boston and strangle Theo Epstein with a coat hanger.

But before you fucking asshole columnists, who would rather blow Josh Beckett than save a drowning sibling, crown them champs again, here are a few things to think about...

Dice-K
He throws 400 pitches on his off days. Nobody stops him - they think it's part of an old Japanese ritual, because they're from Boston, and they're ignorant racists. Then he breaks down in August, sucking hard through October. Is there a parallel here? If you don't see it, well, good. I can't wait to watch him unravel like a nymphotic sorority girl on spring break.

Curt Schilling
What a fucking d-bag. If you haven't read his blog, go read it. I mentioned it a few posts back - he sounds like a struggling 12 year old who hasn't discovered he's dyslexic yet. I can't stand him, I'd rather the Sox trade for Santana and kick Schilling's fucking ass out of Boston, just so I wouldn't have to hear about him anymore.

Jacoby Ellsbury/Jon Lester
Let me put it this way - if I was a Boston fan, and these guys turn out to be nothing but average players, I would burn down Fenway. I'd burn down the fucking Pesky Pole and the fucking Green Monster. I would burn down Stephen King's house and I would burn down Ben Affleck's house and I would burn down Dane Cook's house twice because he's not even a real fan. Why? Because now that Boston has refused to deal them together for Santana, they need to become stars. And it's not like Jon Lester hasn't gone through enough already - oh you know, surviving cancer - now he has to worry about a bunch of gouteed nerds and fat girls booing him if he doesn't win 20 games. Fuck Boston.

Odds of Boston making the Playoffs in '08: Same odds as Big Papi eating a busload of children.

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