Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Highway Robbery


Do you know who Carlos Silva is?

If you answered "yes", then you are either a Twins fan, a Mariners fan, or a douche-bag who follows the baseball free-agent wire like a fat kid following the smell of onion rings and cholesterol riddled adult obesity(me).

But for those of you who don't fall into any of the categories listed above, I'm going to let you in on some ridiculous shit: Carlos Silva was recently signed by the Seattle Mariners to a 4 year, $48 million contract. Breaking it down for all you people out there who are better at getting creepy drunk during work functions than they are at completing simple mathematical problems(me), that's $12 million a year.

Carlos Silva is a fucking thief. On moral grounds alone, he should turn himself in to the Venezuelan Policia. Why is he a free man right now? It doesn't make sense, because we all know Silva is going to start the season - suck - then continuously kick all those rainy Mariners fans in the balls for the remainder of the regular season. The contract's a disaster. He got an $8 million raise for having an under .500 winning percentage and an ERA above 4.00. Do you know what other legends parallels him to?

1. Gil Heredia (career record: 57-51)
2. Scott Bankhead (sounds like a porn star. A gay one.)
3. Ramiro Mendoza (fuck him, he left the Yankees for Boston and did steroids with Tom Seaver)
4. Ed Lynch (cried in Jeff Pearlman's book about the '86 Mets because he was traded mid-season)
5. Bill Fischer (Chess phenom Bobby Fischer's half-brother, ended up selling fanny packs to D.C. tourists)

A sick group of lucrative champions right there...

Do you think any of these guys could warrant Silva's $12 million-a-year price tag in today's market? Do you think these guys would be pursued by any MLB teams today, other than the depressing Royals and the throat-slashing Marlins? Nope. These guys all blew in their own special way, respectively.

The Mariners are dimwits. They pulled the same dumb-shit antics last off season when they gave Jeff Weaver a ton of money after seeing him pitch well during the 2006 postseason - ignoring the fact that he went 8-14 during the regular season. And what did he end up doing for the Mariners after his heroic stretch against the choke-artist Mets and cocky Tigers? He shit his pants all year. Shit the floor, shit the couch, shit the clubhouse - a fucking mess. Same story with Miguel Batista. Yeah, great, Miguel won 16 games, whoo-hoo...he fucking sucks. The Mariners also dealt away a very good reliever in Rafael Soriano for another crappy starter, Horacio Ramirez, who should do everyone a favor and ram a screwdriver into his eyeball.

I don't know who's running the show up there, but if I was a fan of the Mariners, I would drive my car onto the field opening day and try and plow into every single piece of shit pitching for the team. Then I would reverse my car and run over that fucking doof Richie Sexson. What's up with him? He makes more income than the entire GNP of India, but does nothing except hit pop flies and the occasional HR when the team is already down 16-0.

It's a truly sad state of affairs when retarded franchises begin giving #4 starters multi-year Baller-ass, fuck-the-police, who-give-a-shit-it's-only-paper-money deals...

What a bunch of fucking losers.

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