Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My Own Mitchell Report

Steroids Schmeroids...

Okay, so old man Mitchell threw out some sexy names in his steroids investigation. So what? Does this really mean anything? Does this mean other players are getting off clean? No, it doesn't.

Look, we all know Roger Clemens did steroids. He's insane. I used to attribute his quirks to being from Texas, because people from Texas are fucking nuts, but that's not the case. It was all 'roid rage. I'm actually surprised he didn't kill someone. But then again, if these pitchers are coming out as HGH and PED users, I think it's only fair that we look backat other pitchers to see if any any of them liked the old poke-me-in-the-behind-and-watch-me-rake.

Here's my take:

Nolan Ryan

He struck out 78,456 hitters. He pitched well into his forties, still having a productive season at 45 years old. Can this longevity be attributed to hard work and eating fucking Wheaties? No. It's because of steroids. How was he able to beat up the much younger and more fit Robin Ventura? Steroids. Throw seven no-hitters? Steroids. That guy he behind the Stadium at Arlington with his bare hands*? Steroids. So let's pull his name out of the hall, because he's obviously a cheater too.
*may be false information

Sandy Koufax

A mediocre pitcher for his first 6 season in the majors. Then at 25, he miraculously turns into one of the most dominate lefties ever. How? How the fuck do you think? Roids! Lots and lots and lots of them. He was taking them by the handful. Deca, HGH, you name it, he stuck it in his ass. And then he retires abruptly at 30 years old. I attribute this odd behavior to the after affects of steroid abuse. Did you ever see that HBO special where a young Ben Affleck is a high school juicer? That was based on Koufax. Except Koufax wasn't in high school and he didn't beat up his mom and girlfriend...Or did he?

Satchell Paige

I'd like to list his Negro League stats, but Baseball-Reference.com doesn't have them. Racists. But they do have his major league stats. He pitched 3 innings of 1 hit ball at 58 years old. That's how old Jim Belushi would be today. And Jim Belushi is dead. So it goes to show, if Belushi had done steroids, he would still be alive right now and he would be dominating hitters with his charming wit and devastating changeup.

Bob Gibson

He was the most intimidating pitcher of his era. Batters were terrified of him. And do you know why? Because he was known to fly off the handle at the slightest irritation. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL, MOTHERFUCKER? I WAS WATCHING THAT BITCH LUCY GIVE IT TO RICKY, GODDAMMIT! Batters were horrified of Gibson because his pregame ritual consisted of going to the visiting team's clubhouse before a game and clubbing one of their bat-boys to death with a night stick. Seriously, he was a maniac. You didn't mess with Gibson, because when he wasn't busying killing you, he was striking you out with high-and-tight fastballs aimed at your ugly face.

Tom Seaver

It's a little known secret that Tom Seaver did steroids while he was on the Red Sox. And he did them with Carl Yastrzemski, Carlton Fisk, Jim Rice, David Ortiz, Jason Varitek and Ted Williams. Fucking cheaters.

All of this info just goes to show how steroids in baseball is nothing new. George Mitchell is not a fucking pioneer. He's an old man, and he's lonely as shit. All he wants to do is drag people's names down with him, because in the next few days, another report will reveal how he solicited sex from underage male prostitutes while vacationing in Acapulco.

* Nothing in this post is true. Yet.


Douglas said...

Good insights...eat your heart out George Mitchell. I do think Cy Young should be added to that list tho. He pitched well into his 40's and holds the career record for wins (not to mention what he did to small animals). Makes you think, maybe Bonds should have an award named after him...

Doc Holliday said...

Yes, Cy Young was a drug abuser and sexual deviant. Agreed.