Thursday, December 13, 2007

Prior Knowledge

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Mark Prior’s a free agent.

If this were 2004, I’d be lobbying for the Yankees to sign him. But then again, in 2004, I was jumping off roofs to win $50 bets, so my logic was slightly obtuse.

Now, Prior is just another example of a team over-extending a young arm for the greater glory of the franchise. Between him and Kerry Wood, Chicago has fucked up more young talent than Bangbus.com.

And here’s the kicker: Fans are calling him a “wuss”.

Here’s my problem with that. First, who the fuck says, “wuss”, anymore? Is this 1957? Are they on their way to a rumble with some greasers? Why don’t they call him “varmint”? That would at least be sort-of funny because it’s over-the-top retarded.

Second, how can Prior be considered a “wuss”? When Doctors tried to diagnose his problem, they came away baffled. I mean, these are the same doctors who can attach the arm of a fucking chimpanzee to a human-being, but couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Prior. And finally, when they opened it up, they discovered structural damage. That’s like a surveyor finding a faulty foundation after a building collapses and kills 75 people.

So Prior’s arm is shot. Or was shot. Do we know if he’ll ever be the same guy he was in 2003? No, we can’t be certain. But what I do know is, I wish it was 2004 (for several reasons), because then the Yankees would throw a ton of money at him, heal his arm with their magical superdust(steroids), and turn him into a 20 game winner.

I also think all those morons from Chicago should go out to their local Little League field and throw 221+ innings and then see if their arm feels any better. And then they should do a header into Lake Michigan.

On top of everything, the leaked Mitchell report is saying Prior took steroids. I don’t know what kind, and I’m not sure I care, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say he took them to heal his arm that was only attached by a piece of dental floss.

Thank you. I’m going to jump of a roof to make some money now.

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