Thursday, January 31, 2008

(No Subject)


l;akj lfj aksdlflkjkl'sdjflkkkkkkkkkkkkkksdf'pdfiiiiiiiiiii......woah, what happened. I thought I heard someone say Johan Santana got traded to the Mets, but then I blacked out and apparently started writing a post. I came too with my face on the keyboard. I'm still pretty groggy.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

We Have A Winner

The Santana Sweepstakes is over.

Johan is headed to Queens.

I hope he likes shitty paper-mache apples and low flying 747's and retro 70's decorations.

God, I'm fucking jealous...

Monday, January 28, 2008

Bedard Out?

Peter Angelos is an idiot.

If he lets this trade happen, he should be forced to sell the team. It shouldn't even be an option, they should sit him down, put a rifle to his head, and force him to sign on the dotted line. I've said it a million times over - Angelos has NO idea what he's doing.

The Orioles are in a rebuilding stage? Oh really? So instead of building around a 28 year-old lefty ace, they're going to deal him for prospects and see what happens? What a bunch of fucking horseshit...Thank sweet baby Jesus I don't live in that festering hemmeroid of a city anymore, because if I did, and I had to listen to the local reporters try and flip this trade into a positive story, I would track them down at Checkers and gouge out their fat eyeballs with a tire-iron.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Countdown to '08: The Texas Rangers

Team: Texas Rangers
Loves: Sleeveless Jerseys, artery-clogging pork, pit-stains, trading away productive players, Vincente Padilla's lack of command, Michael Young's boyish good looks, throwing chairs in female fans faces
Hates: Contending for the playoffs, ERA's under 5.00, Ulysses S. Grant
Ron Washington Looks Like He's Polite at Dinner Parties: True

The Rangers have not grasped the familiar concept that we all know as "trading". I don't know if it's too complicated for their laid-back hook 'em horns attitude, or they're too busy digesting seven pounds of slaughtered beef to really care, but they fucking suck at it. After John Hart stepped down at the end of the '05 season, 28 year old boy wonder Jon Daniels stepped in and continued Texas's long tradition of blowing at completing positive transactions for the club.

He's only a couple of years older than me, which makes the scenario of me taking over as a MLB GM plausible (no it does not), and I guarantee I could do better. Give me a $75 million budget, a fucking corner suite with my own shitter, free access to ESPN Insider, unlimited mileage on my corporate car complete with witty older gentlemen driver to keep me in line and let the hilarity ensue, and I assure you guys and gals, I would succeed.

First off, I would never have let these brain-damaged trades occur:

Chris Young and Adrian Gonzalez for Akinori Otsuka and Adam Eaton - End of 2005
Way to start off your tenure as GM, dummy. Granted, Otsuka is a serviceable set-up man/closer, but they traded away a potential ace in Young, and a 30 HR, 100 RBI guy in Gonzalez. Plus, Adam Eaton has a higher ERA than your mom.

Francisco Cordero, Kevin Mench, and Laynce Nix for Carlos Lee - 2006
Yes, we all love "El Caballo". He's a fucking beast, and nobody enjoys watching this tub of shit smack dingers into the upper-decks more than me. But he was in his contract year, and the Rangers had no intention of re-signing him - so why complete the deal? Their dumpster pitching staff caught up to them that August, and they ended the season 13 games back from Oakland. Goodbye Carlos, goodbye Cordero. What's left? Dog shit.

Mark Teixeira for Jarrod Saltalamacchia and a Handful of Douche’s - 2007
Time will tell on this one, but what I can tell you now about this one is: No matter how good Salta becomes, he won’t be as good as Mark Teixeira. Tex is a monster, and he will continually hit well day in, and day out. If that fucking retard owner Tom Hicks can sign A-Rod to a $250 million contract, I’m sure he could pony up $15 mil a year for Tex. You gotta’ start somewhere, Toots…

Jon Daniels. Fired.

I wouldn’t even add in a noun or a verb– all I would say is “fired.” Then I’d have security give him one minute to pack his shit and get the fuck off the property before I gunned him down with an assault rifle…

Chances of Texas Making the Playoffs: If Anaheim’s whole team dies in a massive forest fire, than the odds raise from slim to slight.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Odd Creepy Comparison #7 - But I see it

Taking the subway to work everyday, I see the new "Rambo" graffiti poster at least 75times. Every so often I come across one where some imiganative little vagrant has scribbled the word, "fuck" on it, and I laugh myself silly, because I'm a retard. But one thing that really bothers me is, the picture on the poster doesn't look anything like Sylvester Stallone. Maybe it's my stupid imagination, but every time I see it, I think of Stevie Van Zandt, Silvio from the "Sopranos". Am I wrong? I am? Well then go stick your head in the toilet, asshole...

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Probably as Creepy as it Gets Comparison #7

Okay, I don't know why I had the desire, or what made me want to track down who Brian Bruney resembles, because he's nothing more than a mediocre middle-reliver, but I was so fucking motivated to find out, I wasted over an hour doing it...and then it hit me. He looks just like this guy. Who is this guy? Well, you've all seen him. His name is Chris Bauer. He's a character actor who has played everything from a child molester - "The Devil's Advocate" - to reserve outfielder Bob Cerv in the Mickey Mantle exploiting HBO film, "61". Here are some of his other acting credits: "Face Off", "High Fidelity", "8MM", and "The Untouchables". If you haven't seen any of these movies, immediately walk into oncoming traffic.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Countdown to '08: The Minnesota Twins

Team: Minnesota Twins
Necessary Inclusions for Johan Santana Trade: Top tier pitching prospects, Holy Grail (original), lock of Gary Busey's hair, code to "Contra", Wolverine-like metal arm for Francisco Liriano, blood from unborn albino tiger cub
Most Charming Stadium Attribute: Large garbage bag on right field wall
Stupidest Name That Was Given at Birth: Boof Bonser
Ron Gardenhire Probably Drinks Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner: True

If your life correlated with the management of the Minnesota Twins, when it was time for you to get married, you’d pick a plump, mediocre wife over a blazing hot one, only because fatso would require less attention and less maintenance over the course of your marriage. You would also ignore the 50 inch LCD TV and buy an outdated 27 inch tube that goes gray every time one of your 9 kids bumps into it with their over-sized mullet head. Then you would trade away your I-pull-ass BMW for a pair of nerdy concept hybrid cars that solve calculus problems. At night you’d plop your out-of-shape ass down onto your picnic bench dining room set and eat a hamburger instead of a New York Strip. Next, you would go out and…well, you get the picture...

And you’re not like the Twins, are you? You fucking greedy little bastard…

Anyway, these are the types of tactics that the Twins live by. They’re small market heart breakers. “We can’t afford anyone good,” is their motto. Hands out, frown fitted, lower lip trembling. Would I give them my spare change? Nope. I’d boot them right in the fucking dick. It’s all nonsense, you know. They could resign Santana if they wanted to. They already offered him 4 years - $20 million: why can’t they go that extra yard? Well, I’ll tell you. For some reason, these “small market” teams are fucking TERRIFIED of long-term contracts. They’re afraid that in five years, if they’re holding a contract for a guy that used to be good but now sucks , the world will end. The four horsemen will appear, the skies will collapse and the ocean will boil…

We all know that’s not going to happen. But these owners swear by it, because the only thing that matters to them is stockpiling money, and that they have enough cash lying around to make boxer-briefs and karate head bands out of hundred-dollar-bills.

And then there’s the whole Johan debacle. Will he go to the Sox? Will Hank Steinbrenner give Bill Smith a good rogering to get him? Will Omar Minaya trade his entire farm system and his stock options with Goya! for the Ace starter? Honestly - Who the fuck cares? If he’s traded, he’s traded. I’m sick of seeing the same article over and over again on We get it, asshole’s-who-used-to-employ-me-but-were-too-cheap-to-offer-salary, he might go to a stacked team. He might not. La, la, la, fuck off…

On the upside of their meager existence, the Twins are sitting on a stockpile of young talent. Does that mean they’ll be competitive? I don’t know. But I do know all of their success this year will hinge on the production they get from their young arms. And the problem with that is there are already a ton of question-marks…What if Francisco Liriano lost his velocity after undergoing Tommy John surgery, and now he throws like a noodle-armed queen? What if Boof Bonser eats his fat ass to death? What if Scott Baker and Glen Perkins go back to being bad-guy characters on “All my Children”? What if Johan starts the season and tanks – think 4-7 with a 4.53 ERA - and the Twins net dog-shit in a trade at the July deadline? Will Minnesotans attack Bill Smith with a battle-axe? I hope so, because he’s an unlikeable douche.

Too many questions, too little substance for me to care about them anymore. I know everything. Look how high and mighty I am.

Odds of Minnesota Making the Playoffs: The same odds Michael Cuddyer has of winning the MVP - slim to none.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

When You're Good, You're Good

“It's like having calculus first period. You are not real happy when the alarm goes off, but by second period it's already over and you are running off to wood shop.”

-Billy Beane. What the hell does that mean?! My God, he's a genious. He's gotta be one to say something like that.

Have you read Moneyball? My God, Billy Beane is nuts. If the book paints an accurate picture of him, then he's off the deep end. But man, he's good. He's the only one who does 'it'. He's the only one out there who has a combination of guts/smarts/ability/willingness to act/a mandate from management to actually react quickly to the reality of his team. That reality being that the current team he has is not going to win. Not now. Not for a while.

And what would ANY other GM in the league do, you ask? Try to win now regardless of said teams talent. Big market or small market, they would try in their own way. They would make a stopgap trade or sign whoever happens to be in the free agent crop that particular offseason, and claim that no matter who the player is, he is 'the answer'...And then that player would stink. For a while. Unfortunately, just because a guy is the best guy out there and you pay him a ton of money, that doesn't make him good. I swear, most of these GM's must be saying to their assistants, right before they make a deal these days, "Well hell, if we pay him this much he HAS to be good, right?!" It could be Gil Meche, or Barry Zito, or Carlos Silva, or Kyle Lohse...You get the picture. A decent to good starter paid like an ace isn't going to live up to it. It's not his fault he sucks, he's a #3 or 4 or 5 starter, not an Ace by any means. But all the chedda' from wherever chedda' comes from can't change the player from what slot they should actually be pitching from.

Case in point, the New York Mets (of which I am a fan) of 2002, 2003, and 2004. After 2001, on the highway of life, we had a flat tire. Instead of rebuilding the whole car (which we should have done) we decided to call AAA. Unfortunately, when the tow truck arrived it was driven by Roger Cedeno, Mo Vaughn, Jeromy Burnitz, Jeff D'Amico, Shawn Estes, and a TRUCKLOAD (pun intended) of over-the-hill, past-their-prime, has-beens, and never-will-be's.

Now, don't get me wrong, B-Square (my new pet name for Mr. Beane) isn't bulletproof. His moves aren't all home runs (pun intended). He traded Tim Hudson, and has nothing to show for it yet (Juan Cruz = Nothing, Charles Thomas = Nothing, Dan Meyer = Nothing yet) and that was back in 2004. However, two days after the Hudson trade, Beane moved Mark Mulder - who has never been the same - for Dan Haren (who he just turned into 5 players), Kiko Calero (a very good middle reliver who is still on the team), and Daric Barton (who is about to be their starting 1B, and mashed during his audition at the end of last year).

Ohh, he drafts great too. He's the Isiah Thomas of MLB. Ok, I take that back, bad example. For those of you who don't know, I'm also a Knicks fan and although I blame Zeke for everything short of Chinese food making me gassy, the one thing I can't take away from him is he actually does draft well, before he destroys the lives of his draftees a few short months later...Theee 2-0 to O'Neil, low, ball 3...Anyway, the point is Beane drafts well. Teahen, Blanton, Swisher, Ethier, Street, Buck (if you don't know him, you will soon). Thats a lot of good players since 2002, mama mia, that's-a-spicy-meat-a-ball!!

What's the point of all this Billy Beane inspired peace and love you ask? I don't know, after he pulled that Swisher deal a week or two ago, something just struck a nerve inside me. It's fun watching the man work, thats all. This is a blog, I don't need a real reason.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Sweet Doo Creepy Comparison #6

"It's a Supercut....shhh, it's our little secret!"
Ok, I know it's not the best facially, but they're close enough, and the hair is a spot-on, 100% DNA exact match - the irrefutable in court kind of comparison. We're talking Darren Daulton (who is some sort of new age, time traveling, cult leader now...yeah, he never injected 'roids into his brain in the '90s) and Tom Berenger, who's picture appears to be taken sometime between Major League and Sniper.

Countdown to '08: The Detroit Tigers

Name: Detroit Tigers
City is Famous For: 8 Mile Road, Murder, battle rapping, fans who try and fight 8 foot tall basketball players
Off-Season Strategy: Trade for everyone on 2004 NL All-Star Team
Confused Easily By: Jeremy Bonderman's Annual Post All-Star Collapse, Rubix Cube, snow, why cholesterol kills you
Mayor of the City is Half-Black, Half-Irish: Yes (probably not)

It's going to be an interesting year in Detroit, because this team's lineup if FUCKING STACKED. There's no other way to put it. And you can't describe it without using a swear word. I don't care if a Priest asked me to characterize the top 9, I would drop F bombs like I was Papa Doc.

You know your offense is in good shape when your 9 hitter is clearing $11 million a year. Up and down, there aren't any major holes. Personally, I think Jacque Jones is the toilet, and he won't do much, but besides him, there is talent everywhere else.

But there are some questions our hip-hop loving friends in Detroit need to answer...

1 - Will Gary Sheffield Ever Shut the Fuck Up?
No, he won't. And will it wear on Jim "I'm like your grandfather, only successful" Leyland? Definitely. Leyland is old school. He was around the Killer Bee's in Pittsburgh, so he has some experience dealing with classless fucks who only speak up because they're self-centered and full of shit. But Sheffield is a different breed. He speaks his tiny mind, not only because he loves himself, but also because he needs to make proclomations about the evil white man, Allize, and his bitches. I never had a problem with Sheff when he was in pinstripes, until he got bitched in Boston by that fat loser from Pawtucket sitting in the right field stands. He should've slapped that guy around. He needed to pull a Jeff Nelson and attack a civilian. But he didn't, for some reason, and he held back. Now, Sheff is forever labeled in my mind as one of those loud, annoying dip-shits at a bar who runs their mouths until someone steps up and slams their face though the glass of a jukebox.

2 - The D-Train
I'm not so sure bringing Dontrelle to the American League was the greatest idea. The guys got talent, but his ERA has been rising ever since his 22 win campaign in 2005. He also started this fucking ridiculous turn-your-hat-sideways trend. I don't think he looks so ridiculous, but when young, white players started following suit, that's when I started leaving the room to close the trunk of my car on my head. Grow up.

3 - El Gordo Cabrera
Will Miguel show up in shape? Is he gaining weight like a freshman girl stuffing her face with gordita's at the campus commissary? It doesn't matter, I think he'll be fine. I don't think anyone should worry about his weight, because he's a stud, and he'll probably still be a stud when he's too fat to sleep on his back...Everyone's a winner!

4 - Kenny Rogers
I fucking loather Kenny Rogers. He sucks. If he ever walks by my cube at work I'm going to brain him with a leg from my desk chair. Oh, Kenny, you suck for the Yankees, but start cheating for the other teams you play for? Oh, you don't want some little cameraman sticking his lenses in your face? Gonna' beat him up Big Ken? You're the man, you're so tough! I hope you get your legs broke in a boating accident.

5 - Joel the Rock Star!
This will be short...If I was the owner of a MLB team, and one of my young, gas-throwing relievers injured himself playing a game meant for teenagers, and then stated he would continue playing the game even after he got better, I would have him committed to a sanitarium. C'mon, Joel -Guitar Hero? Have some common sense. You're a major league pitcher, play a different game. Play Zelda, or Metroid, or the Sims, or Barbie's fucking Playhouse, I don't care, just put down the stupid, fake guitar, and act your age.

Chances of Detroit Making the Playoffs: Same odds as Joel Zumaya helping his father move boxes in his attic and then falling down while carrying one and separating his shoulder.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Goose Yourself

After eight years of defeat on the Hall of Fame Ballot, the Goose is in. Rich Gossage is the lone member of the Cooperstown class of 2008. And you know what? Good for him. His career stats definitely deserve a Hall of Fame induction. Some people point out that his numbers don't add up, but these people tend to forget how important relief pitchers were in the 70's, sometimes throwing 100+ innings a year.

I don't understand the baseball writers bias towards relievers. Same thing goes for kickers and punters in the NFL. Are they part of the game? Yes. An integral part? Of course, dip-shit. So what, they can't bench press a fucking Toyota, and they can't lift balls into the upperdeck of Petco Park - It doesn't matter, without these little giants and their beautiful big hearts, teams fall apart.

Okay, so kickers and punters are geeks, but how many times have you punched a fucking wall and broke your hand (me) watching a shit kicker shank a field goal during the 2004 divisional playoffs against the Steelers to win the game, not once, but twice? Huh? How many of you? And how many times have you watched relievers come in with the game on the line, throw 27 fastballs at 101 MPH, but every pitch is out of the strikezone because all that pitcher is thinking about is Iron Maiden and Budweiser? My blood pressure is through the roof when this shit happens, and I'm sure there are a ton of other spastic people with the same issue as me.

Long story short, give credit where credit is do, stop being high and mighty because you hold the fate of these unheraleded middle men in your greasy, Wendy's Bacon Burger covered fingers.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Double Creepy Comparison Extravanganza #5

Do guns make you nervous? They should. Here's Louisiana Lightening Ron Guidry, and the late-great Charlie Bronson. One man will kill you with his bare hands, the other was an actor...

Every time I see Terry Francona on TV, all I can think about is the young Pete Clemenza from the Godfather II. But then I remember that Bruno Kirby would make Terry Francona shit his pants if he really wanted to...and if he wasn't dead.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Countdown to '08: The Kansas City Royals

Team: Kansas City Royals
Play in Different State than Name Suggests: Yes
Payroll: $34,000
Biggest Free Agent Signing Ever: Reggie Sanders
Once had Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye and Carlos Beltran: Yes
Are Good: No
Love Their Obese Mid-West Fan Base: Yes

Let's be honest here for a second. Let's all relax, sit down, and put our cards on the table. I want to root for these guys - honestly, I do. I want them to be competitive. Believe it or not, nothing makes my shriveled heart ache more than seeing the Royals bow out of contention on April 30th. It's a fucking joke. I don't know why I care, but I do. Maybe it's because I'm a Jets fan, and I know what it's like to be the perennial fucking joke of the league for many, many years in a row. And you have to face the motherfucking Patriots 2 times a year, when they are better than the AFC Pro Bowl team, and they have a coach who sold his soul to the Devil for a dirty sweatshirt and a sugar momma in Long Island. And you have fat defensive linemen who suck and can't stop a running back even if they're covered in honey and chocolate Quik powder...

But I digress...Back to the topic at hand.

The Royals will never have a shot at climbing out of the toilet - not as long as they have to play in the same division as the dreamy Grady Sizemore lead Indians, and fatso Miguel Cabrera lead Tigers, and definitely not before a salary cap is instituted. The Royals can go out and draft 50 all-star players, but until they can afford to keep them, these guys will be taking the same car out of town that Beltran, Damon and Dye took long ago.

So how do we solve the woes of so many pork eating Mid-Westerners who still think super-sizing their Big Mac meal from McDonald's is a good idea? Run the owner out of town. Boycott the team. Clog up the waterfall at Kaufmann Stadium with old Angel Berroa t-shirt jersey's. Beat the shit out of the mascot. Take away Zach Greinke's Prozac. Shit on a seat. Do something to show your disappointment. If an owner stops making money, he will sell the team. So after you firebomb his gold plated Cadillac, contact Mark Cuban. As much as I dislike this Boy-Wonder/Nerd and think he's a douche, I know he could buy the team and drop millions into turning them into a powerhouse. And if it doesn't work out - fuck it - the team won't be any worse of than it is today.

Wouldn't it be nice if you were a Royals fan and you could buy a cool jersey with the name Sheets or Sabathia on the back of it, not the name Grudzielanek or Sweeney? Wouldn't it be nice to watch a pitcher throw 7 innings of four hit/two run ball and not see him give up 5 runs in the first and get sent down to AAA before the end of the second inning? How about seeing an upcoming free agent list on, and not having to scroll to the bottom of it to see what schmuck the team will land in the off-season (Miguel Olivo)?

Dreams, they call them...Dreams. So Keep your heads up, Kansas City fans. Maybe one day Mr. Cuban will swoop into town with his bowl-cut and Scrooge McDuck money pit and pick up you're wounded team. Maybe some day he'll nurture those beautiful baby-blue uniforms back to health and win one for Emil Brown, Jimmy Gobble, and Joey Gathright. Dreams, the call them. Keep dreaming fatboys
and fatgirls...

Chances of KC making the playoffs: The same chance Andre the Giant has to win the NYC Marathon in 2008.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Creepy Comparison #4

Former NY Mets record breaking, home run hitting, steriod taking catcher, Todd Hundley and Joaquin Phoenix. This one just popped into my head while I was sitting on the throne doing my business. He was my favorite player growing up and it really kills me that I couldn't find a good picture of him in a Met uniform. Eerie, huh...

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Countdown to '08 - The Tampa Bay Rays


Team: Tampa Bay Rays
Rejected Nicknames: T.B. Moonbeams, T.B. Oxygen Network, T.B. Silly-Pants, T.B. Curling Irons, T.B. Pussies, T.B. Gays
Team Trend: Not being good at baseball...Not being well behaved at public functions...Fixing Rocco Baldelli's torn ligaments with scotch tape...Changing nickname because the old mascot killed Steve Irwin
Off-season Strategy: Dealing away players who call their wife "dog", and players who throw wooden bats at 60 year old retired mechanics moonlighting as Minor League umpires

You know it's bad news when your favorite team's biggest off-season headline is the announcement of their new nickname and new uniform colors. It's even worse news when said nickname is "The Rays". I'm not going to defend the old nickname "Devil Rays", but who the fuck is scared of just a "Ray"? At least the former killed a famous TV talent by stabbing him in the chest with a ten foot spear or whatever. But honestly, who's afraid of a few rays of sunlight, except vampires and fat Goth kids who wear black makeup and cry in the bathroom at school?

What's funny about these dickbags is people should really be talking about the young talent they've stockpiled over the last few years, not their inept ability to come up with an intimidating logo. Yes, they traded away their Messiah, Delmon Young, who will probably hit 30 HR, drive in 100, and steal 25 bags for Minnesota, but the Rays do have other guys waiting to take his place. Evan Longoria, from what scouts say, should come up this year and realign the constellations and be the first male to give birth to a human baby. That's something to look forward to I guess. They also have Atari Karate Chop Iwamura, a solid slap hitter, and their 1-2 pitching tandem of Scott Kazmir and James Shields. BJ Upton finally realized he's playing baseball and not Nintendo, and if management can get some of their other young arms up and running, they might not be the worst team in the AL East this year.

Here's where they went wrong. Signing Cliff Floyd and Troy Percival. Cliff Floyd stinks. He's fat, he gets hurt lacing his cleats, and he'd rather be combing his smooth 'stache than DH-ing for a shitty 3rd rate team. And let's be honest about Troy Percival for a minute - we were all glad to see him come back and pitch well - Rah, rah, go Troy...It was nice and chummy. But he's an old man. And you know what happens to old people? They die. And that's what's going to happen to Troy. So the Rays just invested some significant dough in a dead guy. Good job Mr. I don't-know-your-name-GM.

So here's what I would do if I was running this team: Since the rest of the brass insists on signing over-the-hill scrubs to shore up gaping holes, than why not bring back all the old, retired, juiced-up boppers from the late 90's? I don't care if they're old and fat - wouldn't you shit your pants if you saw the starting lineup for the Rays, and it read something like this:

1B - Jeff Bagwell
2B - Bret Boone
3B - Matt Williams
SS - Barry Larkin
LF - Greg Vaughn
CF - Jose Canseco
RF - Juan Gonzalez
DH - Mo Vaughn
SP - David Cone

They're all retired (except Percival, who's on the team) and they wouldn't cost much. I say do it. It would be fucking sick. How many times would pitchers throw at Canseco's head? How many times would Bagwell pop his hip out of the socket? How many AB's would Juan-Gone have before his body exploded with HGH and Muscle Milk? Would Dave Cone start whacking off right there on the mound? I don't know! I don't know! I'm so excited to watch this team play!

This would also solve their stupid nickname problem. They could be "The Tampa Bay Fucking Crazy Drug Addict Roid Ragers". That's much better than, "The Rays".

Chance of the Rays not finishing in Dead Last: Barring some sort of cosmic apocalyptic end to the world - zero.

Let me know what you think. Comments are open to the public now.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Countdown to '08 - The Toronto Blue Jays

Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Claim to Fame: Last bastion of baseball in Canada
Notable Free Agent Contract: A.J. Burnett. He started all of this insanity. I could be making this up, but if memory serves, his INSANE (at the time) contract of 5 year/$55 million was completely outrageous. His career record at the time was 49-50. 1 game UNDER .500. Sure, he throws hard. Every single pitcher in the minor leagues throws hard. Let's wake up and smell the coffee, though, jeez.
Canadian Currency: The Loonie (are you kidding me? people sign 3 year/30 million Loonie contracts?!?!?!)
Food: Yellow Snow
2008 Outlook: Not-a-so-a-good

Listen, they're not the worst team in the world, and yes, the Vernon Wells contract was the absolute worst contract in recent history (thats right Giants/Barry're off the hook!!). This thing's a real doozy...check this out:

7 years/$126M (2008-14)
  • signed extension 12/06
  • $25.5M signing bonus (paid in 3 $8.5M installments, March 1 2008-10)
  • 08:$0.5M, 09:$1.5M, 10:$12.5M, 11:$23M, 12:$21M, 13:$21M, 14:$21M
  • full no-trade clause
  • Wells may opt out of contract after 2011
  • Wells to donate $143,000 annually to Blue Jays charity
Ok, let me get this straight. In what appears to be the most ridiculously structured contract in the history of mankind, long story short, he'll be making $21 million when he's 36. That's not a very good idea. Hey, he's good when he's healthy, but he's never healthy, 29 years old this season, and he's not getting any younger. They can never ever ever trade him, ohh, but at least he can walk away from the remaining $86 million left on his deal after 2011. And to balance it all out, the 'ol gent gives what appears to amount to half a game check to charity every season. WHAT A GUY.

The 2-2 to Bernie....Anyway, there just isn't much to say about these guys. We all know the deal. Same division as the Yankees and Red Sox. Better than the Orioles and Devil Rays (Oops, my mistake. They're the RAYS now...Believe me, there will be plenty written about that later) but what does that really say? They are who they are where they are. They signed David Eckstein. Hooray. Mix of vets and young guys, blah, blah, blah... Troy Glaus will play another 99 games and blow both knees. Maybe B.J. Ryan will actually play this season...who knows, who cares.

Blue Birds, it ain't gonna happen and everyone knows it.

Odds of Toronto making the Playoffs in '08: What are the odds of the Yankees' plane mid-air-colliding with the Red Sox plane? They say air travel is the safest kind of travel. Bad news for our friends to the north. Na-ga, na-ga, na-ganna happen.

Countdown to '08 - The Baltimore Orioles


Team: Baltimore Orioles
Lovable City Nickname: Bodymore, Murderland
Person I Hate Most on the Team: Kevin Millar
Food: Soggy Crabcakes, Shitty Esskay Hot Dogs that taste like heroin
Interesting Fact: If you walk 4 blocks north of Camden Yards, you will be gunned down by a hoarde of bloodthirsty drugdealers - Fact
Current Bitch & Gripe: Still complaining about Jeffrey Maier and Jeter's HR 11 years after the fact

Remember when the Orioles were dangerous? Remember when Robbie Alomar was spitting in faces because he was the baddest Maricon in the AL? Remember when Brady Anderson was injecting his face with steroids and plowing through all the Hooters Girls in the Inner Harbor? Remember when Mike Mussina was the fucking man and Scott Erickson used to flip back his mane of golden-brown pornstar locks to the delight of all the female fans?

I do. And those days are long gone.

It started with the Albert Belle signing, and tapered off after the middle relief run during the offseason of 2006. Now, the Orioles are shit - nothing more than a scrap heap of washed up vets and bewildered rookies. Yes, they have Erik Bedard, but their GM Andy McPhail put him on the trade block during this year's Winter Meeting's, because why build your team around a 28 year-old southpaw Ace when you can trade him for unproven farm talent and sign a bunch of losers like Aubrey Huff?

I think the city needs to realize that Cal Ripken is gone, and he's never coming back. He's a piece of shit. He hates everyone. He's a notorious painkiller addict (lie) and he once tried to steal my wallet at Baja Beach Club (not true).

The city of Baltimore is a dumpster. It's called, "The Charm City". It's the self-proclaimed, "The City That Reads". Are you fucking kidding me? What city is proud of the fact that it reads? Why not call it, "The City That Goes to the Bathroom"? And if you consider crazy, bullet-riddled crack addicts trying to sell you Playstations and fake weed, "charming", then Baltimore definitely fits the bill. It should be paved over.

Peter Angelos is a senial prick who should be scratching the rash underneath the elastic of his adult diaper, instead of running an MLB franchise. If I was an Orioles fan, I would be calling for the old man's head, instead of deserting the team, buying new Dale Earnhardt stickers for my Dodge Ram, and growing a wispy mustache that looks so creepy it makes people barf.

But I'm not. And thank sweet Jesus for that.

Comments below if you want.