Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Countdown to '08 - The Baltimore Orioles


Team: Baltimore Orioles
Lovable City Nickname: Bodymore, Murderland
Person I Hate Most on the Team: Kevin Millar
Food: Soggy Crabcakes, Shitty Esskay Hot Dogs that taste like heroin
Interesting Fact: If you walk 4 blocks north of Camden Yards, you will be gunned down by a hoarde of bloodthirsty drugdealers - Fact
Current Bitch & Gripe: Still complaining about Jeffrey Maier and Jeter's HR 11 years after the fact

Remember when the Orioles were dangerous? Remember when Robbie Alomar was spitting in faces because he was the baddest Maricon in the AL? Remember when Brady Anderson was injecting his face with steroids and plowing through all the Hooters Girls in the Inner Harbor? Remember when Mike Mussina was the fucking man and Scott Erickson used to flip back his mane of golden-brown pornstar locks to the delight of all the female fans?

I do. And those days are long gone.

It started with the Albert Belle signing, and tapered off after the middle relief run during the offseason of 2006. Now, the Orioles are shit - nothing more than a scrap heap of washed up vets and bewildered rookies. Yes, they have Erik Bedard, but their GM Andy McPhail put him on the trade block during this year's Winter Meeting's, because why build your team around a 28 year-old southpaw Ace when you can trade him for unproven farm talent and sign a bunch of losers like Aubrey Huff?

I think the city needs to realize that Cal Ripken is gone, and he's never coming back. He's a piece of shit. He hates everyone. He's a notorious painkiller addict (lie) and he once tried to steal my wallet at Baja Beach Club (not true).

The city of Baltimore is a dumpster. It's called, "The Charm City". It's the self-proclaimed, "The City That Reads". Are you fucking kidding me? What city is proud of the fact that it reads? Why not call it, "The City That Goes to the Bathroom"? And if you consider crazy, bullet-riddled crack addicts trying to sell you Playstations and fake weed, "charming", then Baltimore definitely fits the bill. It should be paved over.

Peter Angelos is a senial prick who should be scratching the rash underneath the elastic of his adult diaper, instead of running an MLB franchise. If I was an Orioles fan, I would be calling for the old man's head, instead of deserting the team, buying new Dale Earnhardt stickers for my Dodge Ram, and growing a wispy mustache that looks so creepy it makes people barf.

But I'm not. And thank sweet Jesus for that.

Comments below if you want.

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