Friday, January 11, 2008

Countdown to '08: The Detroit Tigers


Name: Detroit Tigers
City is Famous For: 8 Mile Road, Murder, battle rapping, fans who try and fight 8 foot tall basketball players
Off-Season Strategy: Trade for everyone on 2004 NL All-Star Team
Confused Easily By: Jeremy Bonderman's Annual Post All-Star Collapse, Rubix Cube, snow, why cholesterol kills you
Mayor of the City is Half-Black, Half-Irish: Yes (probably not)

It's going to be an interesting year in Detroit, because this team's lineup if FUCKING STACKED. There's no other way to put it. And you can't describe it without using a swear word. I don't care if a Priest asked me to characterize the top 9, I would drop F bombs like I was Papa Doc.

You know your offense is in good shape when your 9 hitter is clearing $11 million a year. Up and down, there aren't any major holes. Personally, I think Jacque Jones is the toilet, and he won't do much, but besides him, there is talent everywhere else.

But there are some questions our hip-hop loving friends in Detroit need to answer...

1 - Will Gary Sheffield Ever Shut the Fuck Up?
No, he won't. And will it wear on Jim "I'm like your grandfather, only successful" Leyland? Definitely. Leyland is old school. He was around the Killer Bee's in Pittsburgh, so he has some experience dealing with classless fucks who only speak up because they're self-centered and full of shit. But Sheffield is a different breed. He speaks his tiny mind, not only because he loves himself, but also because he needs to make proclomations about the evil white man, Allize, and his bitches. I never had a problem with Sheff when he was in pinstripes, until he got bitched in Boston by that fat loser from Pawtucket sitting in the right field stands. He should've slapped that guy around. He needed to pull a Jeff Nelson and attack a civilian. But he didn't, for some reason, and he held back. Now, Sheff is forever labeled in my mind as one of those loud, annoying dip-shits at a bar who runs their mouths until someone steps up and slams their face though the glass of a jukebox.

2 - The D-Train
I'm not so sure bringing Dontrelle to the American League was the greatest idea. The guys got talent, but his ERA has been rising ever since his 22 win campaign in 2005. He also started this fucking ridiculous turn-your-hat-sideways trend. I don't think he looks so ridiculous, but when young, white players started following suit, that's when I started leaving the room to close the trunk of my car on my head. Grow up.

3 - El Gordo Cabrera
Will Miguel show up in shape? Is he gaining weight like a freshman girl stuffing her face with gordita's at the campus commissary? It doesn't matter, I think he'll be fine. I don't think anyone should worry about his weight, because he's a stud, and he'll probably still be a stud when he's too fat to sleep on his back...Everyone's a winner!

4 - Kenny Rogers
I fucking loather Kenny Rogers. He sucks. If he ever walks by my cube at work I'm going to brain him with a leg from my desk chair. Oh, Kenny, you suck for the Yankees, but start cheating for the other teams you play for? Oh, you don't want some little cameraman sticking his lenses in your face? Gonna' beat him up Big Ken? You're the man, you're so tough! I hope you get your legs broke in a boating accident.

5 - Joel the Rock Star!
This will be short...If I was the owner of a MLB team, and one of my young, gas-throwing relievers injured himself playing a game meant for teenagers, and then stated he would continue playing the game even after he got better, I would have him committed to a sanitarium. C'mon, Joel -Guitar Hero? Have some common sense. You're a major league pitcher, play a different game. Play Zelda, or Metroid, or the Sims, or Barbie's fucking Playhouse, I don't care, just put down the stupid, fake guitar, and act your age.

Chances of Detroit Making the Playoffs: Same odds as Joel Zumaya helping his father move boxes in his attic and then falling down while carrying one and separating his shoulder.

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