Monday, January 7, 2008

Countdown to '08: The Kansas City Royals

Team: Kansas City Royals
Play in Different State than Name Suggests: Yes
Payroll: $34,000
Biggest Free Agent Signing Ever: Reggie Sanders
Once had Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye and Carlos Beltran: Yes
Are Good: No
Love Their Obese Mid-West Fan Base: Yes

Let's be honest here for a second. Let's all relax, sit down, and put our cards on the table. I want to root for these guys - honestly, I do. I want them to be competitive. Believe it or not, nothing makes my shriveled heart ache more than seeing the Royals bow out of contention on April 30th. It's a fucking joke. I don't know why I care, but I do. Maybe it's because I'm a Jets fan, and I know what it's like to be the perennial fucking joke of the league for many, many years in a row. And you have to face the motherfucking Patriots 2 times a year, when they are better than the AFC Pro Bowl team, and they have a coach who sold his soul to the Devil for a dirty sweatshirt and a sugar momma in Long Island. And you have fat defensive linemen who suck and can't stop a running back even if they're covered in honey and chocolate Quik powder...

But I digress...Back to the topic at hand.

The Royals will never have a shot at climbing out of the toilet - not as long as they have to play in the same division as the dreamy Grady Sizemore lead Indians, and fatso Miguel Cabrera lead Tigers, and definitely not before a salary cap is instituted. The Royals can go out and draft 50 all-star players, but until they can afford to keep them, these guys will be taking the same car out of town that Beltran, Damon and Dye took long ago.

So how do we solve the woes of so many pork eating Mid-Westerners who still think super-sizing their Big Mac meal from McDonald's is a good idea? Run the owner out of town. Boycott the team. Clog up the waterfall at Kaufmann Stadium with old Angel Berroa t-shirt jersey's. Beat the shit out of the mascot. Take away Zach Greinke's Prozac. Shit on a seat. Do something to show your disappointment. If an owner stops making money, he will sell the team. So after you firebomb his gold plated Cadillac, contact Mark Cuban. As much as I dislike this Boy-Wonder/Nerd and think he's a douche, I know he could buy the team and drop millions into turning them into a powerhouse. And if it doesn't work out - fuck it - the team won't be any worse of than it is today.

Wouldn't it be nice if you were a Royals fan and you could buy a cool jersey with the name Sheets or Sabathia on the back of it, not the name Grudzielanek or Sweeney? Wouldn't it be nice to watch a pitcher throw 7 innings of four hit/two run ball and not see him give up 5 runs in the first and get sent down to AAA before the end of the second inning? How about seeing an upcoming free agent list on, and not having to scroll to the bottom of it to see what schmuck the team will land in the off-season (Miguel Olivo)?

Dreams, they call them...Dreams. So Keep your heads up, Kansas City fans. Maybe one day Mr. Cuban will swoop into town with his bowl-cut and Scrooge McDuck money pit and pick up you're wounded team. Maybe some day he'll nurture those beautiful baby-blue uniforms back to health and win one for Emil Brown, Jimmy Gobble, and Joey Gathright. Dreams, the call them. Keep dreaming fatboys
and fatgirls...

Chances of KC making the playoffs: The same chance Andre the Giant has to win the NYC Marathon in 2008.


Full-time commenter said...

Mark Cuban or someone else with money could save the Royals, but then the Royals would be good. Shitty is who they are and what they do...dont try to change that.

Doc Holliday said...

But watching Mark Cuban run the Royals would be like watching a diabetic break into a candy store...mildy depressing, unpredictable and ultimately, when it's all over, a disaster.

full time commmenter said...

Signing Hideo Nomo will help any team improve...