Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Countdown to '08: The Minnesota Twins


Team: Minnesota Twins
Necessary Inclusions for Johan Santana Trade: Top tier pitching prospects, Holy Grail (original), lock of Gary Busey's hair, code to "Contra", Wolverine-like metal arm for Francisco Liriano, blood from unborn albino tiger cub
Most Charming Stadium Attribute: Large garbage bag on right field wall
Stupidest Name That Was Given at Birth: Boof Bonser
Ron Gardenhire Probably Drinks Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner: True

If your life correlated with the management of the Minnesota Twins, when it was time for you to get married, you’d pick a plump, mediocre wife over a blazing hot one, only because fatso would require less attention and less maintenance over the course of your marriage. You would also ignore the 50 inch LCD TV and buy an outdated 27 inch tube that goes gray every time one of your 9 kids bumps into it with their over-sized mullet head. Then you would trade away your I-pull-ass BMW for a pair of nerdy concept hybrid cars that solve calculus problems. At night you’d plop your out-of-shape ass down onto your picnic bench dining room set and eat a hamburger instead of a New York Strip. Next, you would go out and…well, you get the picture...

And you’re not like the Twins, are you? You fucking greedy little bastard…

Anyway, these are the types of tactics that the Twins live by. They’re small market heart breakers. “We can’t afford anyone good,” is their motto. Hands out, frown fitted, lower lip trembling. Would I give them my spare change? Nope. I’d boot them right in the fucking dick. It’s all nonsense, you know. They could resign Santana if they wanted to. They already offered him 4 years - $20 million: why can’t they go that extra yard? Well, I’ll tell you. For some reason, these “small market” teams are fucking TERRIFIED of long-term contracts. They’re afraid that in five years, if they’re holding a contract for a guy that used to be good but now sucks , the world will end. The four horsemen will appear, the skies will collapse and the ocean will boil…

We all know that’s not going to happen. But these owners swear by it, because the only thing that matters to them is stockpiling money, and that they have enough cash lying around to make boxer-briefs and karate head bands out of hundred-dollar-bills.

And then there’s the whole Johan debacle. Will he go to the Sox? Will Hank Steinbrenner give Bill Smith a good rogering to get him? Will Omar Minaya trade his entire farm system and his stock options with Goya! for the Ace starter? Honestly - Who the fuck cares? If he’s traded, he’s traded. I’m sick of seeing the same article over and over again on MLB.com. We get it, asshole’s-who-used-to-employ-me-but-were-too-cheap-to-offer-salary, he might go to a stacked team. He might not. La, la, la, fuck off…

On the upside of their meager existence, the Twins are sitting on a stockpile of young talent. Does that mean they’ll be competitive? I don’t know. But I do know all of their success this year will hinge on the production they get from their young arms. And the problem with that is there are already a ton of question-marks…What if Francisco Liriano lost his velocity after undergoing Tommy John surgery, and now he throws like a noodle-armed queen? What if Boof Bonser eats his fat ass to death? What if Scott Baker and Glen Perkins go back to being bad-guy characters on “All my Children”? What if Johan starts the season and tanks – think 4-7 with a 4.53 ERA - and the Twins net dog-shit in a trade at the July deadline? Will Minnesotans attack Bill Smith with a battle-axe? I hope so, because he’s an unlikeable douche.

Too many questions, too little substance for me to care about them anymore. I know everything. Look how high and mighty I am.

Odds of Minnesota Making the Playoffs: The same odds Michael Cuddyer has of winning the MVP - slim to none.

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