Thursday, January 3, 2008
Countdown to '08 - The Tampa Bay Rays
Team: Tampa Bay Rays
Rejected Nicknames: T.B. Moonbeams, T.B. Oxygen Network, T.B. Silly-Pants, T.B. Curling Irons, T.B. Pussies, T.B. Gays
Team Trend: Not being good at baseball...Not being well behaved at public functions...Fixing Rocco Baldelli's torn ligaments with scotch tape...Changing nickname because the old mascot killed Steve Irwin
Off-season Strategy: Dealing away players who call their wife "dog", and players who throw wooden bats at 60 year old retired mechanics moonlighting as Minor League umpires
You know it's bad news when your favorite team's biggest off-season headline is the announcement of their new nickname and new uniform colors. It's even worse news when said nickname is "The Rays". I'm not going to defend the old nickname "Devil Rays", but who the fuck is scared of just a "Ray"? At least the former killed a famous TV talent by stabbing him in the chest with a ten foot spear or whatever. But honestly, who's afraid of a few rays of sunlight, except vampires and fat Goth kids who wear black makeup and cry in the bathroom at school?
What's funny about these dickbags is people should really be talking about the young talent they've stockpiled over the last few years, not their inept ability to come up with an intimidating logo. Yes, they traded away their Messiah, Delmon Young, who will probably hit 30 HR, drive in 100, and steal 25 bags for Minnesota, but the Rays do have other guys waiting to take his place. Evan Longoria, from what scouts say, should come up this year and realign the constellations and be the first male to give birth to a human baby. That's something to look forward to I guess. They also have Atari Karate Chop Iwamura, a solid slap hitter, and their 1-2 pitching tandem of Scott Kazmir and James Shields. BJ Upton finally realized he's playing baseball and not Nintendo, and if management can get some of their other young arms up and running, they might not be the worst team in the AL East this year.
Here's where they went wrong. Signing Cliff Floyd and Troy Percival. Cliff Floyd stinks. He's fat, he gets hurt lacing his cleats, and he'd rather be combing his smooth 'stache than DH-ing for a shitty 3rd rate team. And let's be honest about Troy Percival for a minute - we were all glad to see him come back and pitch well - Rah, rah, go Troy...It was nice and chummy. But he's an old man. And you know what happens to old people? They die. And that's what's going to happen to Troy. So the Rays just invested some significant dough in a dead guy. Good job Mr. I don't-know-your-name-GM.
So here's what I would do if I was running this team: Since the rest of the brass insists on signing over-the-hill scrubs to shore up gaping holes, than why not bring back all the old, retired, juiced-up boppers from the late 90's? I don't care if they're old and fat - wouldn't you shit your pants if you saw the starting lineup for the Rays, and it read something like this:
1B - Jeff Bagwell
2B - Bret Boone
3B - Matt Williams
SS - Barry Larkin
LF - Greg Vaughn
CF - Jose Canseco
RF - Juan Gonzalez
DH - Mo Vaughn
SP - David Cone
CL - TROY PERCIVAL!!!
They're all retired (except Percival, who's on the team) and they wouldn't cost much. I say do it. It would be fucking sick. How many times would pitchers throw at Canseco's head? How many times would Bagwell pop his hip out of the socket? How many AB's would Juan-Gone have before his body exploded with HGH and Muscle Milk? Would Dave Cone start whacking off right there on the mound? I don't know! I don't know! I'm so excited to watch this team play!
This would also solve their stupid nickname problem. They could be "The Tampa Bay Fucking Crazy Drug Addict Roid Ragers". That's much better than, "The Rays".
Chance of the Rays not finishing in Dead Last: Barring some sort of cosmic apocalyptic end to the world - zero.
Let me know what you think. Comments are open to the public now.