Thursday, January 24, 2008

Countdown to '08: The Texas Rangers


Team: Texas Rangers
Loves: Sleeveless Jerseys, artery-clogging pork, pit-stains, trading away productive players, Vincente Padilla's lack of command, Michael Young's boyish good looks, throwing chairs in female fans faces
Hates: Contending for the playoffs, ERA's under 5.00, Ulysses S. Grant
Ron Washington Looks Like He's Polite at Dinner Parties: True

The Rangers have not grasped the familiar concept that we all know as "trading". I don't know if it's too complicated for their laid-back hook 'em horns attitude, or they're too busy digesting seven pounds of slaughtered beef to really care, but they fucking suck at it. After John Hart stepped down at the end of the '05 season, 28 year old boy wonder Jon Daniels stepped in and continued Texas's long tradition of blowing at completing positive transactions for the club.

He's only a couple of years older than me, which makes the scenario of me taking over as a MLB GM plausible (no it does not), and I guarantee I could do better. Give me a $75 million budget, a fucking corner suite with my own shitter, free access to ESPN Insider, unlimited mileage on my corporate car complete with witty older gentlemen driver to keep me in line and let the hilarity ensue, and I assure you guys and gals, I would succeed.

First off, I would never have let these brain-damaged trades occur:

Chris Young and Adrian Gonzalez for Akinori Otsuka and Adam Eaton - End of 2005
Way to start off your tenure as GM, dummy. Granted, Otsuka is a serviceable set-up man/closer, but they traded away a potential ace in Young, and a 30 HR, 100 RBI guy in Gonzalez. Plus, Adam Eaton has a higher ERA than your mom.

Francisco Cordero, Kevin Mench, and Laynce Nix for Carlos Lee - 2006
Yes, we all love "El Caballo". He's a fucking beast, and nobody enjoys watching this tub of shit smack dingers into the upper-decks more than me. But he was in his contract year, and the Rangers had no intention of re-signing him - so why complete the deal? Their dumpster pitching staff caught up to them that August, and they ended the season 13 games back from Oakland. Goodbye Carlos, goodbye Cordero. What's left? Dog shit.

Mark Teixeira for Jarrod Saltalamacchia and a Handful of Douche’s - 2007
Time will tell on this one, but what I can tell you now about this one is: No matter how good Salta becomes, he won’t be as good as Mark Teixeira. Tex is a monster, and he will continually hit well day in, and day out. If that fucking retard owner Tom Hicks can sign A-Rod to a $250 million contract, I’m sure he could pony up $15 mil a year for Tex. You gotta’ start somewhere, Toots…

Jon Daniels. Fired.

I wouldn’t even add in a noun or a verb– all I would say is “fired.” Then I’d have security give him one minute to pack his shit and get the fuck off the property before I gunned him down with an assault rifle…

Chances of Texas Making the Playoffs: If Anaheim’s whole team dies in a massive forest fire, than the odds raise from slim to slight.

1 comment:

AK-47 said...

Is Chris Young the fattest skinny guy alive or what? It's like someone squeezed all the fat out of his top and bottom and it all came to rest in his ass.