Friday, February 29, 2008

Countdown to '08: The New York Mets

I got photshop again, nerds!

Still a Little Shell Shocked After Epic 2007 Collapse: Yes
Acting Like The Tough Kid Showing His Face Again For the First Time After Getting Beat-up in a Bar Fight by Nerd: Yes
Ethnicity: Delightfully Hispanic
I Went to College With Mets Bat Boy: Absolutely
Omar Minaya's Favorite Actors: John Leguizamo, Edward James Olmos, George Lopez, Cheech Marin
David Wright's Three Dinner Guests: Rock Hudson, Tom Cruise, the gay guy from N'Sync

To be honest, I was thoroughly satisfied with the Mets season-ending/playoff-missing collapse at the time, only because many of the Mets fans I worked with couldn't keep their fat fucking mouths shut when the Yankees were Cleveland-Steaming their season through May/June - Karma's a fucking bitch, huh guys?

But enough already. After reading 154 headlines a day about it during the winter, I'm sick of it.

And seriously, all you writers out there, we get it - the Mets collapsed, Jimmy Rollins is a prophet (even though all you dickheads called him an idiot and laughed your fat asses off when he made his prediction during Spring Training). You couldn't eat this story up faster if it was a bacon sandwich covered in melted lard, could you? Nothing makes beat reporters happier than shitting on a team from NY. Seriously, they would rather watch a NY team crash and burn then fuck Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson at the same time while watching a continuous loop of Kirk Gibson's 1988 home run. It makes them roll their obese trunks out of bed in the morning and fight off the eminent heart attack to live another day.

And this is where I take a stand. I hate NY bashing. Get over it. Is it NY's fault that it has the largest fan base in the country, because it's the largest fucking city in the country, population wise? Should New Yorkers feel guilty because they were born in an area that has great sports teams? If it was up to most faggot fans of other teams, New Yorkers would be stricken with a decade long string of shit teams. Well, we have that already, dummy's, they're called The Jets. So go stick your Worchester dicks in the refrigerator.

...Oh, this was supposed to be about the Mets...I forgot, my fault...

Yeah, so the Mets are good, and now they have the best left-handed pitcher in God's great world. So what does that mean? Expect a division title. Remind Philadelphia that their bullpen is equal to that of a lesbian women's softball team.

Personally, I don't like the Mets, but I have to give respect where respect is due. And unlike my counterpart on this website, who took his Yankee preview and used it as a soapbox to bash the ever-loving shit out of them, I will take the higher road, because I am a fair and well-mannered gentleman.

But I can't let one thing slide. Jose Reyes. Seriously, the guy is an awesome player, but he is a tiny little fucking bitch. A cry-baby bitch. A little pussy who diarrhead in his thong underpants when Miguel Olivo went after him like an escaped convict charging a naked Knicks City Dancer wandering the side of an abandoned highway. Fuck Reyes. I hope he shreds his knee dancing with all those fucking queens at a club in South Beach.

But long-live New York.

Chance of the Mets Making the Playoffs: Same as you failing to pick up a hot chick at the bar tonight and settling on a leather-faced bag who smells like Winston Lights and Tanqueray.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Creepy Comparison #10: Police Blotter Version!

Ok, so maybe they don't look exactly alike, but I don't see how this clown has been let off the hook for being such a loser. Forget steroids (which he's probably on too), kids should NOT be looking up to Scott Spiezio for that stupid red thing on his face! Get congress on that, asap. In related news, see below:

"Spiezio wanted by police in CA

An arrest warrant has been issued by the Irvine, California police department for Scott Spiezio on six charges stemming from a car crash in December. The warrant alleges driving under influence, driving under the influence with a blood alcohol content of .08 percent or more, hit and run, aggravated assault, assault and battery, according to the AP. Spiezio allegedly left his BMW at 12:20 a.m. on Dec. 30 after crashing into a curb and fence, ran home to his condo, vomited and then assaulted his neighbor, causing significant injuries. The veteran missed more than a month last year while seeking help for substance abuse."

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Why I'm Not a Movie Critic

I decided to kill some time today by watching movie trailers, because I'm home sick like a little pussy and I can't go to work and I forgot how fucking boring it is to be home sick without any food and how quickly Mike & The Mad Dog gets old after the 19th hour...But anyway, here's what I figured out:

There's a simple answer as to why I'm not a movie critic. I don't have any experience. I don't have any "connections"...I don't find "brilliance" in movies like Cold Mountain and The English Patient and Elizabeth...I think those three movies were fucking terrible, actually...I don't find Cate Blanchett "charming" or "entertaining", I actually think she's creepy and doofy...I also think that any actor who is a comedian to begin his career, and tries to do a sappy drama should be hung from a lamp post by his cock...I'd rather watch Christopher Walken and Gary Oldman play ping-pong in an alley than watch anything starring Kirsten Dunst, another ugly pile of shit...

So maybe that's more than one answer - but you get what I'm saying here.

One thing I do know is I can predict whether or not a movie is going to decrepit mess, or be a genuinely good movie, based solely on it's first full-length trailer. And I'm not talking about a retard brain feeder flick like College Road Trip, or anything with Martin Lawrence for that matter, I'm talking about mainstream movies, not releases geared towards a minority piece of the public.

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Starring: Harrison Ford, Ray Winstone, Shia LeDouche

First off, could this name be any cornier? I'm not going to shit on Spielberg much, but look at the track record Steve, none of the titles sounded like a fucking nine year old's board game. But from the looks of the trailer, this one will be a hit. Personally, I don't think it looks "amazing", but let's be honest, Spielberg could make a movie with Harrison Ford wandering around a farm with Alzheimer's and it would still cross the $100 million plateau.

Number of Times I'd Like to Mush Shia LeDouche's Dumb Face:

2. The Happening

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, John Leguizamo

Ohhhhh, another spooky title from M. Night (not spelling his whole fucking name). Look, I'm a fan of this guy, but the trailer does not look very good. I guess this is M's "thing" though, because he's notorious for not revealing much of the plot line. From the looks of this, it's Mark Wahlberg standing in front of the camera, making weird faces, and not conjugating his verbs. SUCK COCK, M Night, make something good again, and stop casting cool actors in your movies and making them do stupid shit.

Number of Times I Secretly walk out of the Theater Screen During This One: 2/5

3. Street Kings

Starring: Forest Whitaker, Keanu Reeves, Common

I really don't want to get started on how terrible this looks. I don't know how many times it needs to be said - Keanu Reeves CANNOT play anything besides a talentless hack love interest in a gay romantic comedy, or a moronic buddy in a comedy aimed at fat townie maintenance men. Check this one out - there is three different spots where Reeves tries to deliver a chilling/memorable line, and all three times it made me wince. Awful, awful shit right here, and somehow, a whole generation of stupid kids will go see this because The Game is in it. Who the fuck is The Game? Why does every rapper turn into an actor? Didn't that used to ruin street credit? What the fuck happened to street credit? I'm fucking done.

Total Number of Times I Watch This in My Life Without Being Drunk, or Drugged by Wigger Assasins: 0/5

Part II tomorrow...

Monday, February 25, 2008

Return of the Fat Head?

Once again, Barry Bonds is making headlines.

We just can't let him go quietly into his big-headed, silver-cross-earring night, can we? Teams are suddenly salivating at the titillating thought of being able to plug this freak into their lineup every day. Remember when team owners were against putting cheaters on their teams? Me too.

It's hypocrisy at it's douchiest.

How could any GM sign Bonds and then fall asleep at night? It's not like Bond is some do-gooder(sweet, sweet Andy, the fine Christian), who got caught up with the wrong fat Texan idiot (if you don't know who I'm referencing here, then navigate away from this page and fall down a drinking well head-first). Bonds has always been a dick. He was a dick at Arizona State...he was a dick with the Pirates...and he was an even bigger dick when he was on the Giants. I bet he's a dick to his garbage man too. He probably walks out in the morning and dumps a pile of trash at the poor guy's feet, and laughs his ass off while he watches the unlucky sap clean it up.

And seriously, what GM would want to bring in this cranky, juiced-up fuck into the clubhouse, knowing it will undoubtedly create some sort of turmoil? Not getting enough headlines GM? Instead of bringing in Bonds, why don't you go out, get bombed, and hop behind the wheel of Jim Leyritz's SUV. That will bring the fat fucking beat reporters swarming. There's no need to sign Bonds, just go smash someone's face in at a club, or get caught with a transvestite in your wife's faggity mini-van. Fuck it, pay the team intern to jump off the mezzanine of your stadium - that'll get your team's logo on Sportscenter in no time.

Just keep away from Bonds like he's the plague. Or a fat guy on the subway car with no AC in August. Or a bitter waitress at the diner who's about to bring your table cheese fries while your stupid friend is calling her "toots".

Bond is not going to do anything for your team. And he's pretentious. We all saw him hit #756. Instead of hugging his kid at home plate, he pointed up to the sky. And he wasn't pointing at the spirit of his father, or Jesus, he was pointing at a picture of himself that he had scotch-taped to the bottom of the fucking Goodyear blimp. is reporting that the Tampa Bay Rays, or fucking Sunbeams, or whatever their homo-erotic name is, has brewed some interest in good old Barry. It's probably a bullshit lead, but what if Tampa Bay does sign him? Maybe an even better question is: Why on God's earth would a self-centered asshole like Bonds want to play for fucking Tampa? Is it to prove he can still hit HR's? Does he want to try and put the All-time home run record out of A-RAH's reach? Can he? Can I add any more dumb questions into this maligned paragraph?

I've rambled on enough. I only hope the Barry shunning continues. The last thing I need, or anyone needs, is another year of Barry Bond tagged headlines clogging up the regular season news wire. And anyone who plays fantasy baseball knows one dickhead will take him too early in the draft, and you'll want to swat him in the fucking face with a Fungo bat in July when Barry's got 25 HR's and a higher OBP than the rest of his entire team.

*Side note: A big Hi-Ho to No Country for Old Men for winning Best Picture last night at the Oscars. I'm happy to see this trend of violent movies receiving critical acclaim will continue for at least another year. And what makes me even happier is I know there are women in the "I Hate Any Movie That Doesn't Star Hugh Grant and Some Stupid Kid" Club fuming in their Wal-Mart bought slippers right now.

Creepy Comparison #9 - Canadian Dickheads

I shouldn't label both of these guys as "Canadian Dickheads", because Seth Rogen is funnier than your mom drunk at a holiday party, but one of them is a historical piece of shit. That's right, it's Mr. Gagne. Now please get this geek some fucking contacts.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Coed Creepy Comparison #8

Is that David Ortiz's mom, you ask? No, it's not. It's Esther Rolle from "Good Times". Never saw "Good Times"? Why, are you a fucking racist? I knew it...bastard.

Retire Immediately

Here's a short list of dummy's who should've retired already. It was originally going to be a whole roster of geezers, but as I was writing it, I could feel the bad karma seeping in all around me. So I cut it down to a handful of guys I really don't like, and guys I don't feel bad making fun of.

Julio Franco
You're almost fucking 50! Go retire and hit on a young TGI Friday's waitress who feel too guilty to call the cops after you squeeze their ass with your creepy wrinkled hands.

Mark Grudzielanek
Your name is stupid and annoying to spell. You're on the Royals. See a connection here (none)? You don't? Well have fun playing for a bunch of young guys who make fun of you behind your back. You know that dog shit that was strategically placed under the driver side door handle of your car? It had a message attached to it. Die.

Nomar Garciaparra
Your wife wears the pants in the relationship. You got run out of Boston three months before they broke an 86 year old losing streak. You can't stay healthy. What are you staying in LA for? You want to become a movie star, is that it? Yeah, a big Hollywood hot-shot? Eat shit.

Omar Vizquel
Wizard with the glove? More like old-douche who should be picking up a shift at Dunkin Donuts because his house is lonely and cold. You sad bastard.

Luiz Gonzalez
I hate you. I met you in Baltimore and told you that I hope you fall out of a moving taxi...I wasn't kidding. Give it up - you signed with the Marlins. That's like a young male movie star inking a seven year contract with "The Golden Girls".

Ken Griffey Jr.
Yes, we all love Junior. We all loved him 15 years ago when he wasn't hobbling around the outfield like a wounded deer, swinging for a homerun during every at bat because he secretly wants to murder Barry Bonds with a tire-iron behind The Apollo Theater in Harlem (racist assumption).

Brian Giles
Go be crazy with your soon-to-be-unemployed brother Marcus. You can go back to California, catch some waves, and have a stroke in the warm Pacific tide, you annoying prick.

Randy Johnson
Thanks for the memories Rand! No not when you were good with Seattle, Houston and Arizona - when you sucked with the Yankees. Actually, thanks for nothing you tall doof. Go attack another cameraman at an old age home you creepy hick.

David Wells

Jamie Moyer
Ohhhh, you know how to locate pitches! Go locate a euthanasion clinic, Grandpa.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

What If? The Series - Part 1


What if Curt Schilling Was Never Traded by the Astros?

In 1992, during his second season with Houston, Curt Schilling - untradeable because of his whining - becomes the #3 starter behind the staff ace Pete Harnisch (known for his sexually enticing porn-esque 'stache) and bad-boy #2 starter Mark Portugal. Portugal especially takes a liking to Schil - in a bad way. He constantly throws around his weight and often makes Schilling piss sitting down. It's a tough time for Curt during his first few years on the team.

Portugal's bullying crushes Schilling's man-status, and he's resigned to the fact that he will never win more than 12 games in a season. He also becomes a vocal supporter of the Democratic Party and an uber-liberal, often spotted during the off-season parading around San Francisco wearing a MuMu, sans shoes, making his hippie feet very dirty. He's also a fucking fat pig now, eating food out of dumpsters to, "fight the oppression by the man".

In 1998, after six seasons of mediocrity, Houston starts to win, no thanks to Schilling, who's become a drug-riddled liability. He pitches mop up duty out of the pen and only succeeds when he's lifted off his ass on LSD. At the July 31st deadline, The Astros acquire Randy Johnson for a bucket of shit and 17 scrub prospects who will eventually amount to nothing (fuck Freddy Garcia), catapulting them into the upper-echelon of MLB playoff contenders.

Randy notices this pitiful mess in the bullpen, and decides to save him with his Christianity veiled Voodoo trickery. They become best friends (with hints of gayness) and Big Schil ends up back in the rotation by September, helping to lead the 'Stros to the World Series where they defeat the Yankees in 7 games.

Both Johnson and Schilling sign seven year contracts after the season ends, and the Astros become a powerhouse, winning two more World Series in the next 5 years.

And since Schilling never goes to the Red Sox, they never break the curse in '04, therefore making my life easier to deal with.

In 2007, after 15 years with the club, Schil retires. Unfortunately, all his money is gone, and he feeds himself by taking interviews with local high school reporters. His fee is $12, with the possibility of an impromtu back rub. He's creepy, and fat, and fucking dirty, but he's good for a quote. A sad end to a fucked up career.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Today's Congressional Hearings: A Pictorial Rundown

Clemens Arrives...

The Rat Arrives...

Congress Takes Their Seats...

The Hearing...

The Commish Makes His Case...

Somewhere in Cuba...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Sir Douche-Face, in the Flesh

I've never been a huge fan of Roger Clemens. Even when he was hitting his stride with the Yankees, striking out everyone and everything back in 2001 on his way to his 6th Cy Young Award, I couldn't embrace him. There's something off about rooting for a guy that just spent 13+ seasons making your team miserable.

But, like most Yankee fans, I was hopeful when he returned last year to pitch, only because the Yanks pitching staff was as solid as a beer shit. Of course he sucked hard, and did nothing to help the staff except eat up headlines. Clemens = Fat Media Glutton Nerd.

And now, after the Mitchell Report, how can anyone still respect this guy? I'm not even talking about this ridiculous hokey-pokey back and forth with his ex-trainer MacNamee - I'm talking about how he's gone out of his way to look like a douche.

I don't have much substance (lazy), but I felt like listing why I never liked him (feeling hateful/mad about cold weather). Here are several reasons why I never liked him to begin with...

1 - His stupid mullet back in Boston. Grow up, Roger, you look like an asshole.

2 - His fat stage. Take care of yourself, fatso, maybe you won't need to take steroids in a few years if you try and lay off the triple-quarter pounder and vanilla shakes.

3 - His resurrgance in Toronto. Knowing now that he was on 'roids, it completely negates his utter dominance. Plus he still had that dumb mullet. Mullets = Never Cool.

4 - The fact that the Yankees traded David Wells for him. This was before Wells got knocked out in some shitty diner by a Guido midget from Yonkers, and I liked Wells back then. Stupid move.

5 - His faggy frosted tips. It took all the wind out of my argument that Mike Piazza was a queer when Roger went and followed suit. Both of them needed to go see some naked boobies or something.

6 - His first bullshit retirement. Oh, you're going to go to Houston and win a Cy Young instead of fading away? Oh, you want to watch your mediocre kids play baseball? Get over it. Just retire and go coach them instead of sticking your wife in the ass with needles so she doesn't look like a fat pig in the Sports Illustrated shoot.

7 - Corrupting Andy Pettite. You bastard. How dare you corrode this fine Christian body with illegal substances. I will never forgive you for this. Die in a fire.

8 - The World Baseball Classic. We get it, you want to represent America because you're a hick who loves being racist and wearing Levi's and driving your Ford F-150. Go suck off that other over-the-hill fuckface John Mellancamp.

9 - His bullshit surprise comeback for the Yankess in 2007. It was like a scene out of "V for Vendetta" (never saw it, so I have no reason to make this connection). Your big dumb face shows up on the big screen to announce your return like you're Josef Stalin or something. Surprise! You're a dickhead...

10 - His utter shittiness in the 17 games he started. Oh, and the 1 relief appearance. What a story, Roger hasn't pitched out of the pen in almost a quarter century! He sucked that day to. Walking Bonds, what a fucking patsy.

When does the season start? How long until I don't have to hear about these stupid fucking congressional hearings? Please take a hammer and windmill it into my head so I can go unconcious until Spring Training starts. Thanks so much, appreciated.

Friday, February 8, 2008

What Fuled the Previous Post

What a Great Popularity Booster

Seriously Pedro? Are you seriously going to sit there and try and defend yourself? This is why I hate you with the intensity of 6,000 suns. You beat up old men, throw at non-threats, and you have a fucking gay Gerry-curl.

I'm so fucking sick of this bullshit.

"It's legal in the D.R....It's part of our culture..."

So what, I'm Irish, does that make it okay to get hammered and then beat my wife? I'm Italian, does that mean it's okay for me to wear wife-beaters in public and live at home with my mom until I'm 40?

Knock that shit off...Seriously.

And God forbid any of these spineless fuckface reporters actually condemn Pedro for trying to defend the fact that he was sitting ringside at a cockfight with good old Saint Juan Marichal. Reporters call it "odd" and "strange". Well guess what? It's neither. It's fucking retarded. Pedro is a 'tard - bottom line.

And fuck you too Juan Marichal. He's another piece of shit. How is this guy in the Hall of Fame? He beat someone over the head with a baseball bat DURING A GAME.

And Pete Rose is banned from the Hall for gambling.

And a super big fuck you to the Associated Press. This story should be getting much more attention. After all, you guys basically burned Mike Vick at the stake (which I don't disagree with), but what's the difference here? Is it because you fat fucks cuddle up to your cute, faggity little puppies at night and can't bare the thought of anything happening to them?

Fuck you too, Omar Minaya. FACT - you will do nothing about this. Go fucking drown on a raft off the coast of Miami you white haired dickhead.

Life goes on, the Mets got Santana, Pedro is a piece of shit - blah, blah, blah, I fucking hate the news and all other media outlets...

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

What Fueled the Previous Post

September 30, 2007
Tom Glavine
IP: 0.1
H: 5
ER: 7
BB: 2
SO: 0

Monday, February 4, 2008

Countdown to '08: New York Yankees

Team: New York Yankees
Do I hate them: Yes
Payroll: Bagillion-Fadillion Dollars
Ethnic breakdown of fanbase: 40% Italian, 40% Irish, 20% Dumbshit (I know it sounds derogatory, but it's really a small island in the Caribbean. You've never heard of Dumbshitti?)
What a Yankee fan sees when they walk past a girl in a pink Jeter jersey: Alysa Milano, girl on left
What I see when I walk past a girl in a pink Jeter jersey: Tina from Staten Island, girl on right

Ok, let's get this out of the way so there aren't any gray areas. I hate the Yankees. It wasn't up to me. Thank God I had a dad who was bright enough to raise me Wright (pun). Listen, ok, the biggest problem I have with the Yankees are Yankee fans. Let me correct, that it's with DUMB Yankee fans. Let me correct that further, it's with DUMB YANKEE FANS WHO RUN THEIR MOUTHS NON STOP.

Remember the '96-'00 dynasty years? That was hell on earth. My heart was filled with pure hatred for the Yankees. That really great good vs. evil hatred. You wanna know why? Because they were so damn good. Everything they touched turned to gold. Donny Baseball has to retire? Ohh, no sweat, here comes Tino Martinez in the prime of his career. Remember when he won the Home Run Derby, what the hell was that?!?!?!? (steroids) Uh oh, John Wetteland gettin' old and time for him to move on? Ohh, here's failed starter Mariano Rivera to become the best closer in the history of the position. Darryl Strawberry, Doc Gooden and David Cone ALL played for them, and had success! Are you kidding me?! That's just flat out not cool. David Wells threw a perfect game. DAVID WELLS. He weighed 330 lbs at the time and was 12 Buschs deep. Who the fuck was Scott Brosius?!? I'll tell ya! The year before he came to the Yankees, 1997 on the A's, here were his stats:

479AB, 59R, 41RBI, 11HR, 102K's, .203BA, .259OBP

The next year? BAM, All-Star. I'm not kidding. You can't make this shit up. Think about how that must have felt as a Mets fan. I was too young to really enjoy the late '80s and I suffered through the Anthony Young years in the early '90s. Then, like a sign from God, Mike Piazza falls into our laps (not a gay joke) and just like that we're good again. Sweet, just in time for the Yankees to be the most dominant team since Troy Aikman's Dallas Cowboys.

You couldn't hate the players. The team was too perfect. It wasn't their fault they were so good, it just kind of happened. Like I said. Hell on earth.

Then, they lost about 3 games, Darth Steinbrenner lost his mind, almost stroked out and traded for Kevin Brown (steroids) and signed Jason Giambi (steroids) for more money than anyone ever saw before outside of a heroine deal out the back of a pick-up truck on the Texas border.

Hating the players got a whole lot easier. Stupid Yankee fans didn't realize any change took place, and they just kept talking louder and louder. Each year after, like clockwork, another playoff embarrassment hit and I got a little bit of joy back in my life. That is, until the dumb Yankee fans started talking about how great they were a week after the World Series ended and by the time next season rolled around they were the odds on favorite to win again. After that, the Red Sox got good, and here we sit. There, history lesson over.

Let's get one thing straight. I don't hate all Yankee fans. People that know something about baseball that happen to root for the Yankees are OK in my book. I hate all dumb baseball fans, dumb Mets fans included. I guess it's because I grew up in NY that the Yankee fans just seemed to talk the most.

Ohh, right, I was supposed to talk about 2008. They're good. Again. Once Cashman was unlocked from his dog cage in Steinbrenner's office (you know, the kind you'd find in a suburban home's kitchen) and actually allowed to do something, he made some trades, drafted very well and now they actually have some top prospects. He wouldn't deal them for Santana, so they better be good because they're depending on them right now. Pettitte is good, Wang is good, Moose is old and a disaster waiting to happen. Bullpen should be solid and Offense is, as always, a monster. They're going to be good again, so will the Red Sox and it's going to be a fight all the way. Whatever.

Sticks In My Craw...

Boy, ohh boy, you know what's been really stickin' in my craw recently...? They fact that in baseball, EVERY time ANYONE talks about a player, the word 'a' is put in front of his name. Think about it. Remember the last time you saw something on TV about the hot stove, trades or anything at all this offseason? Possibly talking about the whole A-Rod fiasco at the end of last season, or even the recent trade of Johan "God" Santana to those loveable Metsies. I bet the reporter or club official did it and you might not have even noticed. Do you know what I'm talking about? For example:

"...we could sign a Kyle Lohse or a Livan Hernandez…" "When you put him with the likes of a Derek Jeter and a Alex Rodriguez…" "The ripple effect on a team after adding a Johan Santana…"

Listen, I get what they're trying to say. The problem is, IT DOESN'T WORK IN EVERY SITUATION IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!! If I hear it again I'm just going to snap. It's one thing if there were literally 25 players with the same stats as Johan Santana all available. Heck, even if there were 3, then sure, you could add 1 of that group to your team essentially adding "a Johan Santana". But there weren't. The Mets weren't adding "a Johan Santana". THEY ACTUALLY GOT THE JOHAN SANTANA! Why can't they just say that?!?! It's one thing when your talking about stats, thats all fine and good. But we're actually talking about real people, and unless there's some government cloning program I'm not aware of, they're all one of a kind. There are no classes of players, just real living breathing guys that throw and hit.

It's become so rampant that it's being said before any player's name is mentioned, every time. Unfortunately, no one is more to blame than Omar Minaya. He does it ALL the time, probably because he's Spanish.

Listen close from now on. Trust me, it's an epidemic.

PHUCK Boston

Okay, so I'm not a Giants fan - I'm a diehard Jets fan, and I would never jump on a bandwagon - EVER. But I have to hand it to the Giants, helluva fucking game. They went out there, 134 point underdogs, and starterd Pimp-slapping Tom Brady around like he was a hooker from Hunts Point. Bravo, G-Men, I'm glad New York got those fags from Boston back.

A few side notes from the game and this weekend...

- I legitimately think Tom Brady is a queen. I don't care if he fathered a child - he's a fruit.
- I hope Rodney Harrison gets both his legs broke after being mowed down by a drunk driver - that's how much I hate him. I would never wish that on ANYONE - but Harrison deserves it, or worse.
- Good for Tom Coughlin. I'm sick of these whiny fucking coaches that want to be pals with their players. You're not cool, you're old. You don't like rap, don't try and dance, just be an old cranky man, apply your hemorrhoid cream to your crack, and go out and coach your fucking team to victory.
- Bill Belicheck is a fucking traitor/cocksucker/Hitler. I will harvest hate for this man until the day he drops dead.
- Tom Petty = Creepy, looks like a scarecrow, but is still smooth.
- Celebrities at the Super Bowl = I don't care, stop showing me who doesn't have to go to work the next day and who doesn't have to stop drinking in the 3rd quarter.
- I'm insanely jealous that the Jets weren't the ones to win it all. But then again, I probably would've gotten fired, because I would be drinking at my desk right now.
- 18-1 is a career season for a #1 starter in baseball...But Football? Ehhh, not so much, take a hike fuckfaces.
- Pitchers & Catchers, 10 days...

Friday, February 1, 2008

Countdown to '08: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Team: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
GM is the Equivilant Of: A fatso eating all his Halloween candy and then puking before anyone has the chance to get their hands on it
Vlad's Back is Made Out Of: Pretzel Rods and Candy Canes
Vlad's Arm is Made Out Of: Steel and Terror
Best Porn Name on the Team: Brandon Wood
John Lackey Looks Like a 40 Year Old Deli Clerk Who Makes Italian Combos: True

The reigning AL West Champs went out like a bunch of mark-bitches in the playoffs last year, laying down for the eventual champs/fuckfaces from Boston. Now they have some serious roster tinkering to take care of, considering they have no lineup protection for Vlad, who's slowly decomposing as we speak. Garret Anderson isn't going to cut it anymore. I think he's 54 years old. I'm not kidding. Look at his mustache. And he gets social secutiry checks.

What the Angels brass should've done was trade for Miguel Cabrera. They should have shipped a dickload of prospects for him, whichever ones the cheap fucks down in Florida wanted. Don't want to give up Brandon Wood? Ervin Santana will come back? Casey Kotchman is ready for the big time? Get over yourself.

And here's where we separate the good general managers from the great. This is my interpretation of their biggest off-season move...

Angels GM Tony Reagins: "Hey other-douchebags-I-control, let's sign Torri Hunter. Let's sign another center fielder. Gary Mathews is already on our team? Did we overpay for him too? And we overpaid for him when he was in a contract year? We did? Oh...Well, fuck it, let's overpay for two of 'em. Hunter's in a contract year, you say? I don't give a shit, you bald nerd, Hunter's a stud. He'll do the same for us if we plug him into our potent lineup. He played in Minnesota last year, which is the same as playing in hell's asshole. I guarentee a big year. Now go get me some more starting pitchers, I want a 9 man rotation this year..."

I'm pretty sure that's how it all happened. Maybe the Angels can go lure Tim Salmon out of retirement while they're at it. Him and Garrett Anderson can hang out and wear those huge black sunglasses on sunny days. Then they can piss their pants and try and hide them in the washing machine out of shame.

The funny thing is, The Angels will probably win the AL West. Because they're competing with the liquidation sale over in Oakland, the zero-man rotation in Texas, and the overpaying idiots up in Seattle, it's not going to be very hard for them to fart their way into the post season.

Chances of the Angels Squeaking into the Playoffs in '08: Same as Vlad's arm eventually flying out of the socket and into the stands, instantly killing a child.