Still a Little Shell Shocked After Epic 2007 Collapse: Yes
Acting Like The Tough Kid Showing His Face Again For the First Time After Getting Beat-up in a Bar Fight by Nerd: Yes
Ethnicity: Delightfully Hispanic
I Went to College With Mets Bat Boy: Absolutely
Omar Minaya's Favorite Actors: John Leguizamo, Edward James Olmos, George Lopez, Cheech Marin
David Wright's Three Dinner Guests: Rock Hudson, Tom Cruise, the gay guy from N'Sync
To be honest, I was thoroughly satisfied with the Mets season-ending/playoff-missing collapse at the time, only because many of the Mets fans I worked with couldn't keep their fat fucking mouths shut when the Yankees were Cleveland-Steaming their season through May/June - Karma's a fucking bitch, huh guys?
But enough already. After reading 154 headlines a day about it during the winter, I'm sick of it.
And seriously, all you writers out there, we get it - the Mets collapsed, Jimmy Rollins is a prophet (even though all you dickheads called him an idiot and laughed your fat asses off when he made his prediction during Spring Training). You couldn't eat this story up faster if it was a bacon sandwich covered in melted lard, could you? Nothing makes beat reporters happier than shitting on a team from NY. Seriously, they would rather watch a NY team crash and burn then fuck Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson at the same time while watching a continuous loop of Kirk Gibson's 1988 home run. It makes them roll their obese trunks out of bed in the morning and fight off the eminent heart attack to live another day.
And this is where I take a stand. I hate NY bashing. Get over it. Is it NY's fault that it has the largest fan base in the country, because it's the largest fucking city in the country, population wise? Should New Yorkers feel guilty because they were born in an area that has great sports teams? If it was up to most faggot fans of other teams, New Yorkers would be stricken with a decade long string of shit teams. Well, we have that already, dummy's, they're called The Jets. So go stick your Worchester dicks in the refrigerator.
...Oh, this was supposed to be about the Mets...I forgot, my fault...
Yeah, so the Mets are good, and now they have the best left-handed pitcher in God's great world. So what does that mean? Expect a division title. Remind Philadelphia that their bullpen is equal to that of a lesbian women's softball team.
Personally, I don't like the Mets, but I have to give respect where respect is due. And unlike my counterpart on this website, who took his Yankee preview and used it as a soapbox to bash the ever-loving shit out of them, I will take the higher road, because I am a fair and well-mannered gentleman.
But I can't let one thing slide. Jose Reyes. Seriously, the guy is an awesome player, but he is a tiny little fucking bitch. A cry-baby bitch. A little pussy who diarrhead in his thong underpants when Miguel Olivo went after him like an escaped convict charging a naked Knicks City Dancer wandering the side of an abandoned highway. Fuck Reyes. I hope he shreds his knee dancing with all those fucking queens at a club in South Beach.
But long-live New York.
Chance of the Mets Making the Playoffs: Same as you failing to pick up a hot chick at the bar tonight and settling on a leather-faced bag who smells like Winston Lights and Tanqueray.