Friday, February 1, 2008

Countdown to '08: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Team: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
GM is the Equivilant Of: A fatso eating all his Halloween candy and then puking before anyone has the chance to get their hands on it
Vlad's Back is Made Out Of: Pretzel Rods and Candy Canes
Vlad's Arm is Made Out Of: Steel and Terror
Best Porn Name on the Team: Brandon Wood
John Lackey Looks Like a 40 Year Old Deli Clerk Who Makes Italian Combos: True

The reigning AL West Champs went out like a bunch of mark-bitches in the playoffs last year, laying down for the eventual champs/fuckfaces from Boston. Now they have some serious roster tinkering to take care of, considering they have no lineup protection for Vlad, who's slowly decomposing as we speak. Garret Anderson isn't going to cut it anymore. I think he's 54 years old. I'm not kidding. Look at his mustache. And he gets social secutiry checks.

What the Angels brass should've done was trade for Miguel Cabrera. They should have shipped a dickload of prospects for him, whichever ones the cheap fucks down in Florida wanted. Don't want to give up Brandon Wood? Ervin Santana will come back? Casey Kotchman is ready for the big time? Get over yourself.

And here's where we separate the good general managers from the great. This is my interpretation of their biggest off-season move...

Angels GM Tony Reagins: "Hey other-douchebags-I-control, let's sign Torri Hunter. Let's sign another center fielder. Gary Mathews is already on our team? Did we overpay for him too? And we overpaid for him when he was in a contract year? We did? Oh...Well, fuck it, let's overpay for two of 'em. Hunter's in a contract year, you say? I don't give a shit, you bald nerd, Hunter's a stud. He'll do the same for us if we plug him into our potent lineup. He played in Minnesota last year, which is the same as playing in hell's asshole. I guarentee a big year. Now go get me some more starting pitchers, I want a 9 man rotation this year..."

I'm pretty sure that's how it all happened. Maybe the Angels can go lure Tim Salmon out of retirement while they're at it. Him and Garrett Anderson can hang out and wear those huge black sunglasses on sunny days. Then they can piss their pants and try and hide them in the washing machine out of shame.

The funny thing is, The Angels will probably win the AL West. Because they're competing with the liquidation sale over in Oakland, the zero-man rotation in Texas, and the overpaying idiots up in Seattle, it's not going to be very hard for them to fart their way into the post season.

Chances of the Angels Squeaking into the Playoffs in '08: Same as Vlad's arm eventually flying out of the socket and into the stands, instantly killing a child.

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