Friday, February 29, 2008

Countdown to '08: The New York Mets

I got photshop again, nerds!

Still a Little Shell Shocked After Epic 2007 Collapse: Yes
Acting Like The Tough Kid Showing His Face Again For the First Time After Getting Beat-up in a Bar Fight by Nerd: Yes
Ethnicity: Delightfully Hispanic
I Went to College With Mets Bat Boy: Absolutely
Omar Minaya's Favorite Actors: John Leguizamo, Edward James Olmos, George Lopez, Cheech Marin
David Wright's Three Dinner Guests: Rock Hudson, Tom Cruise, the gay guy from N'Sync

To be honest, I was thoroughly satisfied with the Mets season-ending/playoff-missing collapse at the time, only because many of the Mets fans I worked with couldn't keep their fat fucking mouths shut when the Yankees were Cleveland-Steaming their season through May/June - Karma's a fucking bitch, huh guys?

But enough already. After reading 154 headlines a day about it during the winter, I'm sick of it.

And seriously, all you writers out there, we get it - the Mets collapsed, Jimmy Rollins is a prophet (even though all you dickheads called him an idiot and laughed your fat asses off when he made his prediction during Spring Training). You couldn't eat this story up faster if it was a bacon sandwich covered in melted lard, could you? Nothing makes beat reporters happier than shitting on a team from NY. Seriously, they would rather watch a NY team crash and burn then fuck Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson at the same time while watching a continuous loop of Kirk Gibson's 1988 home run. It makes them roll their obese trunks out of bed in the morning and fight off the eminent heart attack to live another day.

And this is where I take a stand. I hate NY bashing. Get over it. Is it NY's fault that it has the largest fan base in the country, because it's the largest fucking city in the country, population wise? Should New Yorkers feel guilty because they were born in an area that has great sports teams? If it was up to most faggot fans of other teams, New Yorkers would be stricken with a decade long string of shit teams. Well, we have that already, dummy's, they're called The Jets. So go stick your Worchester dicks in the refrigerator.

...Oh, this was supposed to be about the Mets...I forgot, my fault...

Yeah, so the Mets are good, and now they have the best left-handed pitcher in God's great world. So what does that mean? Expect a division title. Remind Philadelphia that their bullpen is equal to that of a lesbian women's softball team.

Personally, I don't like the Mets, but I have to give respect where respect is due. And unlike my counterpart on this website, who took his Yankee preview and used it as a soapbox to bash the ever-loving shit out of them, I will take the higher road, because I am a fair and well-mannered gentleman.

But I can't let one thing slide. Jose Reyes. Seriously, the guy is an awesome player, but he is a tiny little fucking bitch. A cry-baby bitch. A little pussy who diarrhead in his thong underpants when Miguel Olivo went after him like an escaped convict charging a naked Knicks City Dancer wandering the side of an abandoned highway. Fuck Reyes. I hope he shreds his knee dancing with all those fucking queens at a club in South Beach.

But long-live New York.

Chance of the Mets Making the Playoffs: Same as you failing to pick up a hot chick at the bar tonight and settling on a leather-faced bag who smells like Winston Lights and Tanqueray.


coolhandluke said...

"Acting Like The Tough Kid Showing His Face Again For the First Time After Getting Beat-up in a Bar Fight by Nerd" - you have some balls writing this quote as a Yankees fan. Your team has spent their entire history building a reputation as the cool kid or bully of baseball and Boston has spent their entire existence being the Losers of the league. The Mets may have blown a lead at the end of the season but for the past three years the coolest kid in school has been getting his ass kicked by the screech. So what did the Yankees do? Well they certainly cant take this sort of abuse from the red sox so they go and do a bunch of steriods , hoping this will finally allow them to win a series and restore their legacy. The Sox have shown up at the high school reunion with the hottest chick on their arm and driving a ferrari. Get ready for another beat down because at the next reunion their gonna fuck your wife just because they can.

Doc Holliday said...

Yes, the Red Sox are hapless losers, all $155 million of them.

How have the Yankees been getting their asses kicked the past 3 seasons? Was Boston missing the playoffs in 2006 because the Yankees swept them in September an asskicking recieved on the Yankees part? And you must mean both teams bowing out in the division series in '05 was the Yankees other pummeling?

C'mon get your facts straight...

Anonymous said...

I am just talking about world series, since this is the only way the Yankees seem to want to quanitfy success. therefore if we are measuring RECENT success by world series championships then for the past two out four years the Red Sox have been beaten up the Yankees. Basically the Yankees are Farkis right now and are just waiting for Raplhies mom to come and pull him off. I wont event talk out when they dropeed the playoff series after being up 3-0 which is a much worse collapse than the mets fiasco. By the way this is coolhandluke , couldnt remember my password

Doc Holliday said...

I've never once stated that the collapse in '04 is now overshadowed by the Mets collapse, so I don't know why you are arguing against these phantom points you assume I've made...

But this is typical of a Mets fan, bringing in the Yankees when their team is the one being discussed.

And Boston is 50/50 against the Yankees the last 4 years? A whole 50%? Wow, that's a staggering percentage. Does that also make the Yankees 50/50?

Learn Math.

Anonymous said...

dickhead. Math? 50-50? two world series to none in four years is not fifty/fifty, Sir Issac Newton. In the interest of not dragging this on any futher lets just leave it at this: The Yankee collapse was worse than Mets and the Red Sox have turned the tables in last four years by winning two world series to the yankees none. But dont worry once this steroid situation blows over and the Yankees can resort to their previous formula for success, I am sure they will be right back on top.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Im a bit bitter because of 2000. When we take a closer look at the World Series certain things become pretty clear.

1) Half of the post-season Yankee pitchers in 2000 were using steroids against the Mets, and they threw 65% of the innings of the 2000 World Series

2) Users: 30.7 innings, 1.47 ERA, Non-users: 16.3 innings, 4.97 ERA

3) In the 4 Yankee wins, a steroid user was the starting pitcher. In the one Mets win, a non-steroid user (El Duque) was the Yankees starter.

4) Game 2 starter, Roger Clemens, threw a sawed off bat at Mike Piazza in the 1st inning- behavior commonly referred to as "roid rage"

5) Steroid user Mike Stanton played a key role in 3 Yankee wins in this series AND does not allow a baserunner the entire series.

Need more? Game-by-game analysis:

Game 1: Andy Pettitte pitches 6.2 shutout innings, staked to a 2-0 lead thanks to a double scoring two by steroid user David Justice, and is relieved by non-user Jeff Nelson with two out and two on in the 7th. Torre should have gone to roid user Stanton, because Nelson allows 3 runs with two out, giving the Mets a 3-2 lead. The Yankees tie it in the 9th with an RBI sacrifice fly by steroid user Chuck Knoblauch. Then, the suddenly invincible roid user Mike Stanton keeps the Mets at bay with a perfect 11th and 12th and Jose Vizcaino wins it in the 12th on a dying quail to LF.

Game 2: Clemens dominates, only interruption is his roid rage out mentioned above and leaves after 8 with a 6-0 lead and allowing only 2 hits. in the 9th, Torre trusts non steroid users, Jeff Nelson and Mariano Rivera to close it out, but the Mets score 5 on Mike Piazza and Jay Payton HRs and Todd Zeile threatens to tie the game with a 389 ft fly out to the top of the wall in left-center. (I guess Torre should have kept the roid freak Clemens or brought in the suddenly Hulkish Stanton here too?)

Game 3: No roid pitchers available, Mets win 4-2!

Game 4: Nowin a tight series, Torre comes back with steroid user Denny Neagle to start the critical 4th game.Neagle keeps the Mets locked down untilthe roid-proof Mike Piazza, who can not be stopped by cheaters hits a home rundeep into the Flushing night to make it 3-2. The Mets get the tying runaboard with one out, posied to tie the score in the 7th, when the suddenly invincible Mike Stanton, two years after beingdiscareded by BOTH Atlanta and Boston, strikes out the next two batters. Rivera comes in with 2IP to close it out.

Game 5: Mets magic gets to roid abuser Andy Pettitte as the Mets take a 2-1 leadwith someMets magic-an Al Leiter bunt base hit,a throwingerror and a Benny Agbayani RBI single.With the score tied at 2 in the 8th, you guessed it- Mike Stanton comes in and pitches a 1-2-3 inning to allow the Yankees to come up and win it with 2 in the top of the 9th.

Doc Holliday said...

Hey, at least you're original with your arguments...Oh wait, you're not.

"Were you gonna plagiarize the whole thing for us? Do you have any thoughts of your own on this matter?"

Get over it. The Mets lost. 8 years ago.

I get what you're saying about the Yankees, but it's more fun to egg a disgruntled Met fan on then it is to try and rationally discuss the situation. And you're proving my point...

...tough guy in a bar-fight...loses the fight...feels the need to prove himself some other way...Mets/Mets fans...

Anonymous said...

that was obviously cut and pasted I didnt sign my name douche bag, pretty sure that link has been in everyone's inbox before. That was a list of facts no so much thoughts or ideas. The next time I cite stats i will be sure to include the source. Anyway glad you are conceding. P.S. - I am over the 2000 world series, the yankees won, just like Bonds hit more homes than Ruth and Aaron

Doc Holliday said...

In no way am I conceding. The Mets are on the ropes. They have to succeed now. It's a fact. Until you realize this, you will continue to bring completely irrelevant arguments up as long as it takes the heat off of what happened last year. None of this has ANYTHING to do with the Yankees. Go back and read my Boston Preview if you think I am biased and blind to how good Boston is. But I don't think you understand this.

"I am over the 2000 world series, the yankees won, just like Bonds hit more homes than Ruth and Aaron"

It certainly sounds like you are.