Monday, February 4, 2008

Countdown to '08: New York Yankees

Team: New York Yankees
Do I hate them: Yes
Payroll: Bagillion-Fadillion Dollars
Ethnic breakdown of fanbase: 40% Italian, 40% Irish, 20% Dumbshit (I know it sounds derogatory, but it's really a small island in the Caribbean. You've never heard of Dumbshitti?)
What a Yankee fan sees when they walk past a girl in a pink Jeter jersey: Alysa Milano, girl on left
What I see when I walk past a girl in a pink Jeter jersey: Tina from Staten Island, girl on right

Ok, let's get this out of the way so there aren't any gray areas. I hate the Yankees. It wasn't up to me. Thank God I had a dad who was bright enough to raise me Wright (pun). Listen, ok, the biggest problem I have with the Yankees are Yankee fans. Let me correct, that it's with DUMB Yankee fans. Let me correct that further, it's with DUMB YANKEE FANS WHO RUN THEIR MOUTHS NON STOP.

Remember the '96-'00 dynasty years? That was hell on earth. My heart was filled with pure hatred for the Yankees. That really great good vs. evil hatred. You wanna know why? Because they were so damn good. Everything they touched turned to gold. Donny Baseball has to retire? Ohh, no sweat, here comes Tino Martinez in the prime of his career. Remember when he won the Home Run Derby, what the hell was that?!?!?!? (steroids) Uh oh, John Wetteland gettin' old and time for him to move on? Ohh, here's failed starter Mariano Rivera to become the best closer in the history of the position. Darryl Strawberry, Doc Gooden and David Cone ALL played for them, and had success! Are you kidding me?! That's just flat out not cool. David Wells threw a perfect game. DAVID WELLS. He weighed 330 lbs at the time and was 12 Buschs deep. Who the fuck was Scott Brosius?!? I'll tell ya! The year before he came to the Yankees, 1997 on the A's, here were his stats:

479AB, 59R, 41RBI, 11HR, 102K's, .203BA, .259OBP

The next year? BAM, All-Star. I'm not kidding. You can't make this shit up. Think about how that must have felt as a Mets fan. I was too young to really enjoy the late '80s and I suffered through the Anthony Young years in the early '90s. Then, like a sign from God, Mike Piazza falls into our laps (not a gay joke) and just like that we're good again. Sweet, just in time for the Yankees to be the most dominant team since Troy Aikman's Dallas Cowboys.

You couldn't hate the players. The team was too perfect. It wasn't their fault they were so good, it just kind of happened. Like I said. Hell on earth.

Then, they lost about 3 games, Darth Steinbrenner lost his mind, almost stroked out and traded for Kevin Brown (steroids) and signed Jason Giambi (steroids) for more money than anyone ever saw before outside of a heroine deal out the back of a pick-up truck on the Texas border.

Hating the players got a whole lot easier. Stupid Yankee fans didn't realize any change took place, and they just kept talking louder and louder. Each year after, like clockwork, another playoff embarrassment hit and I got a little bit of joy back in my life. That is, until the dumb Yankee fans started talking about how great they were a week after the World Series ended and by the time next season rolled around they were the odds on favorite to win again. After that, the Red Sox got good, and here we sit. There, history lesson over.

Let's get one thing straight. I don't hate all Yankee fans. People that know something about baseball that happen to root for the Yankees are OK in my book. I hate all dumb baseball fans, dumb Mets fans included. I guess it's because I grew up in NY that the Yankee fans just seemed to talk the most.

Ohh, right, I was supposed to talk about 2008. They're good. Again. Once Cashman was unlocked from his dog cage in Steinbrenner's office (you know, the kind you'd find in a suburban home's kitchen) and actually allowed to do something, he made some trades, drafted very well and now they actually have some top prospects. He wouldn't deal them for Santana, so they better be good because they're depending on them right now. Pettitte is good, Wang is good, Moose is old and a disaster waiting to happen. Bullpen should be solid and Offense is, as always, a monster. They're going to be good again, so will the Red Sox and it's going to be a fight all the way. Whatever.

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