Thursday, February 21, 2008

Retire Immediately

Here's a short list of dummy's who should've retired already. It was originally going to be a whole roster of geezers, but as I was writing it, I could feel the bad karma seeping in all around me. So I cut it down to a handful of guys I really don't like, and guys I don't feel bad making fun of.

Julio Franco
You're almost fucking 50! Go retire and hit on a young TGI Friday's waitress who feel too guilty to call the cops after you squeeze their ass with your creepy wrinkled hands.

Mark Grudzielanek
Your name is stupid and annoying to spell. You're on the Royals. See a connection here (none)? You don't? Well have fun playing for a bunch of young guys who make fun of you behind your back. You know that dog shit that was strategically placed under the driver side door handle of your car? It had a message attached to it. Die.

Nomar Garciaparra
Your wife wears the pants in the relationship. You got run out of Boston three months before they broke an 86 year old losing streak. You can't stay healthy. What are you staying in LA for? You want to become a movie star, is that it? Yeah, a big Hollywood hot-shot? Eat shit.

Omar Vizquel
Wizard with the glove? More like old-douche who should be picking up a shift at Dunkin Donuts because his house is lonely and cold. You sad bastard.

Luiz Gonzalez
I hate you. I met you in Baltimore and told you that I hope you fall out of a moving taxi...I wasn't kidding. Give it up - you signed with the Marlins. That's like a young male movie star inking a seven year contract with "The Golden Girls".

Ken Griffey Jr.
Yes, we all love Junior. We all loved him 15 years ago when he wasn't hobbling around the outfield like a wounded deer, swinging for a homerun during every at bat because he secretly wants to murder Barry Bonds with a tire-iron behind The Apollo Theater in Harlem (racist assumption).

Brian Giles
Go be crazy with your soon-to-be-unemployed brother Marcus. You can go back to California, catch some waves, and have a stroke in the warm Pacific tide, you annoying prick.

Randy Johnson
Thanks for the memories Rand! No not when you were good with Seattle, Houston and Arizona - when you sucked with the Yankees. Actually, thanks for nothing you tall doof. Go attack another cameraman at an old age home you creepy hick.

David Wells

Jamie Moyer
Ohhhh, you know how to locate pitches! Go locate a euthanasion clinic, Grandpa.

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