Monday, February 25, 2008

Return of the Fat Head?

Once again, Barry Bonds is making headlines.

We just can't let him go quietly into his big-headed, silver-cross-earring night, can we? Teams are suddenly salivating at the titillating thought of being able to plug this freak into their lineup every day. Remember when team owners were against putting cheaters on their teams? Me too.

It's hypocrisy at it's douchiest.

How could any GM sign Bonds and then fall asleep at night? It's not like Bond is some do-gooder(sweet, sweet Andy, the fine Christian), who got caught up with the wrong fat Texan idiot (if you don't know who I'm referencing here, then navigate away from this page and fall down a drinking well head-first). Bonds has always been a dick. He was a dick at Arizona State...he was a dick with the Pirates...and he was an even bigger dick when he was on the Giants. I bet he's a dick to his garbage man too. He probably walks out in the morning and dumps a pile of trash at the poor guy's feet, and laughs his ass off while he watches the unlucky sap clean it up.

And seriously, what GM would want to bring in this cranky, juiced-up fuck into the clubhouse, knowing it will undoubtedly create some sort of turmoil? Not getting enough headlines GM? Instead of bringing in Bonds, why don't you go out, get bombed, and hop behind the wheel of Jim Leyritz's SUV. That will bring the fat fucking beat reporters swarming. There's no need to sign Bonds, just go smash someone's face in at a club, or get caught with a transvestite in your wife's faggity mini-van. Fuck it, pay the team intern to jump off the mezzanine of your stadium - that'll get your team's logo on Sportscenter in no time.

Just keep away from Bonds like he's the plague. Or a fat guy on the subway car with no AC in August. Or a bitter waitress at the diner who's about to bring your table cheese fries while your stupid friend is calling her "toots".

Bond is not going to do anything for your team. And he's pretentious. We all saw him hit #756. Instead of hugging his kid at home plate, he pointed up to the sky. And he wasn't pointing at the spirit of his father, or Jesus, he was pointing at a picture of himself that he had scotch-taped to the bottom of the fucking Goodyear blimp. is reporting that the Tampa Bay Rays, or fucking Sunbeams, or whatever their homo-erotic name is, has brewed some interest in good old Barry. It's probably a bullshit lead, but what if Tampa Bay does sign him? Maybe an even better question is: Why on God's earth would a self-centered asshole like Bonds want to play for fucking Tampa? Is it to prove he can still hit HR's? Does he want to try and put the All-time home run record out of A-RAH's reach? Can he? Can I add any more dumb questions into this maligned paragraph?

I've rambled on enough. I only hope the Barry shunning continues. The last thing I need, or anyone needs, is another year of Barry Bond tagged headlines clogging up the regular season news wire. And anyone who plays fantasy baseball knows one dickhead will take him too early in the draft, and you'll want to swat him in the fucking face with a Fungo bat in July when Barry's got 25 HR's and a higher OBP than the rest of his entire team.

*Side note: A big Hi-Ho to No Country for Old Men for winning Best Picture last night at the Oscars. I'm happy to see this trend of violent movies receiving critical acclaim will continue for at least another year. And what makes me even happier is I know there are women in the "I Hate Any Movie That Doesn't Star Hugh Grant and Some Stupid Kid" Club fuming in their Wal-Mart bought slippers right now.

1 comment:

Megan said...

"It's hypocrisy at it's douchiest."

This is my new favorite quote. I am stealing it, and I am not asking your permission. Send me your manuscript now.

Good to see you and finally meet your girlfriend that has an awesome name.