Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Sir Douche-Face, in the Flesh


I've never been a huge fan of Roger Clemens. Even when he was hitting his stride with the Yankees, striking out everyone and everything back in 2001 on his way to his 6th Cy Young Award, I couldn't embrace him. There's something off about rooting for a guy that just spent 13+ seasons making your team miserable.

But, like most Yankee fans, I was hopeful when he returned last year to pitch, only because the Yanks pitching staff was as solid as a beer shit. Of course he sucked hard, and did nothing to help the staff except eat up headlines. Clemens = Fat Media Glutton Nerd.

And now, after the Mitchell Report, how can anyone still respect this guy? I'm not even talking about this ridiculous hokey-pokey back and forth with his ex-trainer MacNamee - I'm talking about how he's gone out of his way to look like a douche.

I don't have much substance (lazy), but I felt like listing why I never liked him (feeling hateful/mad about cold weather). Here are several reasons why I never liked him to begin with...

1 - His stupid mullet back in Boston. Grow up, Roger, you look like an asshole.

2 - His fat stage. Take care of yourself, fatso, maybe you won't need to take steroids in a few years if you try and lay off the triple-quarter pounder and vanilla shakes.

3 - His resurrgance in Toronto. Knowing now that he was on 'roids, it completely negates his utter dominance. Plus he still had that dumb mullet. Mullets = Never Cool.

4 - The fact that the Yankees traded David Wells for him. This was before Wells got knocked out in some shitty diner by a Guido midget from Yonkers, and I liked Wells back then. Stupid move.

5 - His faggy frosted tips. It took all the wind out of my argument that Mike Piazza was a queer when Roger went and followed suit. Both of them needed to go see some naked boobies or something.

6 - His first bullshit retirement. Oh, you're going to go to Houston and win a Cy Young instead of fading away? Oh, you want to watch your mediocre kids play baseball? Get over it. Just retire and go coach them instead of sticking your wife in the ass with needles so she doesn't look like a fat pig in the Sports Illustrated shoot.

7 - Corrupting Andy Pettite. You bastard. How dare you corrode this fine Christian body with illegal substances. I will never forgive you for this. Die in a fire.

8 - The World Baseball Classic. We get it, you want to represent America because you're a hick who loves being racist and wearing Levi's and driving your Ford F-150. Go suck off that other over-the-hill fuckface John Mellancamp.

9 - His bullshit surprise comeback for the Yankess in 2007. It was like a scene out of "V for Vendetta" (never saw it, so I have no reason to make this connection). Your big dumb face shows up on the big screen to announce your return like you're Josef Stalin or something. Surprise! You're a dickhead...

10 - His utter shittiness in the 17 games he started. Oh, and the 1 relief appearance. What a story, Roger hasn't pitched out of the pen in almost a quarter century! He sucked that day to. Walking Bonds, what a fucking patsy.

When does the season start? How long until I don't have to hear about these stupid fucking congressional hearings? Please take a hammer and windmill it into my head so I can go unconcious until Spring Training starts. Thanks so much, appreciated.

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