Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Why I'm Not a Movie Critic

I decided to kill some time today by watching movie trailers, because I'm home sick like a little pussy and I can't go to work and I forgot how fucking boring it is to be home sick without any food and how quickly Mike & The Mad Dog gets old after the 19th hour...But anyway, here's what I figured out:

There's a simple answer as to why I'm not a movie critic. I don't have any experience. I don't have any "connections"...I don't find "brilliance" in movies like Cold Mountain and The English Patient and Elizabeth...I think those three movies were fucking terrible, actually...I don't find Cate Blanchett "charming" or "entertaining", I actually think she's creepy and doofy...I also think that any actor who is a comedian to begin his career, and tries to do a sappy drama should be hung from a lamp post by his cock...I'd rather watch Christopher Walken and Gary Oldman play ping-pong in an alley than watch anything starring Kirsten Dunst, another ugly pile of shit...

So maybe that's more than one answer - but you get what I'm saying here.

One thing I do know is I can predict whether or not a movie is going to decrepit mess, or be a genuinely good movie, based solely on it's first full-length trailer. And I'm not talking about a retard brain feeder flick like College Road Trip, or anything with Martin Lawrence for that matter, I'm talking about mainstream movies, not releases geared towards a minority piece of the public.

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Starring: Harrison Ford, Ray Winstone, Shia LeDouche

First off, could this name be any cornier? I'm not going to shit on Spielberg much, but look at the track record Steve, none of the titles sounded like a fucking nine year old's board game. But from the looks of the trailer, this one will be a hit. Personally, I don't think it looks "amazing", but let's be honest, Spielberg could make a movie with Harrison Ford wandering around a farm with Alzheimer's and it would still cross the $100 million plateau.

Number of Times I'd Like to Mush Shia LeDouche's Dumb Face:
4/5


2. The Happening


Starring: Mark Wahlberg, John Leguizamo

Ohhhhh, another spooky title from M. Night (not spelling his whole fucking name). Look, I'm a fan of this guy, but the trailer does not look very good. I guess this is M's "thing" though, because he's notorious for not revealing much of the plot line. From the looks of this, it's Mark Wahlberg standing in front of the camera, making weird faces, and not conjugating his verbs. SUCK COCK, M Night, make something good again, and stop casting cool actors in your movies and making them do stupid shit.

Number of Times I Secretly walk out of the Theater Screen During This One: 2/5


3. Street Kings


Starring: Forest Whitaker, Keanu Reeves, Common

I really don't want to get started on how terrible this looks. I don't know how many times it needs to be said - Keanu Reeves CANNOT play anything besides a talentless hack love interest in a gay romantic comedy, or a moronic buddy in a comedy aimed at fat townie maintenance men. Check this one out - there is three different spots where Reeves tries to deliver a chilling/memorable line, and all three times it made me wince. Awful, awful shit right here, and somehow, a whole generation of stupid kids will go see this because The Game is in it. Who the fuck is The Game? Why does every rapper turn into an actor? Didn't that used to ruin street credit? What the fuck happened to street credit? I'm fucking done.

Total Number of Times I Watch This in My Life Without Being Drunk, or Drugged by Wigger Assasins: 0/5

Part II tomorrow...

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