Monday, March 31, 2008

Welcome Back

It's opening day - Welcome back baseball! Welcome back with a big fucking hug and a jolly, fat-guy smile.

And you made it back just in time, because if I have to watch another Sportscenter filled with fuckface commentators arguing over College Basketball and whether or not Lebron is better than Michael Jordan, I'm going to jump off the Tappan Zee Bridge.

So last week was technically the opening series for MLB, but it took place in Japan, and the games aired at 6am, so I'm going to pretend it didn't happen. And I guess last night could also be considered "Opening Night", because the Nationals took on the Braves in a game that counted towards the regular season, but it was only one game, so I don't know...

Let's just pretend all those revenue boosting, corporate cock-sucking events never happened, and today is the first time we're going to see real baseball games, and not games where the centerfielder's jersey number is 78, and the opposing team plays it's regular season games with Fungo bats.

Some predictions for 2008:

Will the Cubs finally end their misery? Do you really want to root for them? Absolutely not. Didn't we learn our lesson when one other franchise broke a 90 year old "curse"? The American media unleashed a swarm of racist fucks from New Hampshire who speak like stroke victims and lack good hygiene. I say let sleeping dogs lie, and let's hope the Cubs stay perennial losers, or else we might be overrun by a bunch of fat Mid-Westerners who call sneakers "tennis shoes" and have a dialect that sounds like someone shoved a flute up their asses.

How many more commentators will jump on the Red Sox Will Repeat wagon? And how many of them will end up looking like assholes after the Sox stumble out of the gate and all these "experts" flee the scene like queens leaving a lesbian orgy?

Jose Reyes is not going to win the MVP...Yes, I said it. If anything, I'm going with David Wright. And hopefully during his acceptance speak he will come out of the closet and introduce his life partner, Mr. Mike Piazza (unwarranted low blow).

The Yankees will fall off the farm system wagon and start dealing prospects before the trading deadline. Let's face it, Mussina is touching 87 on his fastball, and when he's on the mound he has the attitude of a college girl getting back at her mother by blowing the whole Lacrosse team. It's not pretty. A few bad outings, and he's relegated to the bullpen. And since the brass has innings limits on all the young guys, they will need pitching.

The Pirates will continue their streak and will not flirt with a .500 winning percentage. Jason Bay will be hit in the face by a Molotov cocktail while picking daisies in feft field. Nobody cares.

The Mets will compliment Fernando Tatis by signing another aging vet to play 4 games and then go on the DL. I'm rooting for Greg Vaughn to announce his comeback so he can be that guy.

The Indians will finally realize that all those games their losing with Joe Borowski and his 7.84 ERA could be saved by one of their stud Hispanic/Japanese relievers, who's ERA's are all sub 3.00. But this is rocket science, right? Or am I simplifying something that has been over-analyzed and over-thought for the past few years? Fucking idiots.

The Red Sox will not repeat. Curt Schilling dies in a knife fight against a gay, black, pro-abortion liberal. His blog also dies in the same knife fight.

Carlos Silva disappears after losing his first 15 starts for Seattle. He is replaced in the rotation by an autistic fan who ends up winning 12 games. Silva is never heard from again.

My division breakdown - LAA wins the West, Indians win the Central (Gasp! Over the vaunted Tigers? Yes, you fucking dickrider, the Tigers have no bullpen) and the Yankees win the East. Red Sox win the wildcard (I know, they will probably win the division, but what kind of homer would I be if I picked them?). The Mets win the East, the Brewers win the Central, the Dodgers win the West and the Diamondbacks win the Wildcard.

CLE over BOS, NYY over LAA. CLE over NYY.

NYM over ARI, LAD over MIL. NYM over LAD (Torre cries anyway).

NYM over CLE.

Oh my God, did I just pick the Mets to win it all? Yes, douchebags, I did. Now go buttfuck your life-sized Carlos Delgado blow up.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Cowboy Way

Pacman Jones might be headed to Dallas. The Cowboys upped their pursuit of the troubled (over-the-top P.C. adjective) player over the course of this past week.

Does this surprise anyone? Anyone at all?

Of course not. And this is why I HATE DALLAS.

I hate their fat fucking fans who know dick about football, and only concentrate their attention on barbecue sauce, high school football, oil, 50 gallon hats, six shooters, troy Aikman's brain damage, the lines shaved into Michael Irvin's head 15 years after it was cool, and hick accents.

You think that was a stereotypical rant? Well I don't give a shit. I can do the same thing about New York fans. But we're talking about Dallas here, so let me continue...

I would also like Jerry Jones to die in his sleep over the weekend. Not because he's the owner/GM/President/ball-boy/bathroom fluffer/punter of his own team - I think monopolies and dictatorships are fucking balls - but because he loves to sign "bad-boys" and shake things up. I don't know where this comes from, maybe Jones got fucking plowed by some cool stud in college who smoked cigarettes and drove a 'Vet, but his obsession with said types is borderline creepy.

For Example...

Deion Sanders - Those two words make me want to stick my dick in an apple slicer. I hate this man more than that four-eyed fuck running North Korea. But Jones wanted him, and Jones got him, and Deion helped The 'Boys win a Super Bowl. Case in point - Jones loves douchebags.

Erik Williams - Drafted him and his checkered past in 1991. Williams proceeded to come to Dallas, play at a Pro Bowl level, and rape every thing that had a pocket within restraining distance. Then he set up a whore house next to the Cowboys training facility (not a joke) so him and his bros could go there between scrape-blocking drills and twist out some slutty Dallas tail. This is the kind of guy you want repping your Charity Fund.

Michael Irvin - Might hate him more than Deion, it's a close race. Where do I start with Irvin? His multiple drug arrests? His penchant for shaving gay lines into his head? His ridiculous defense of players who get into trouble (like himself) with zero weight to any of his arguments? The day ESPN canned him was like the first time I got laid.

Terrell Owens - This closet queen is probably the most hateable of the bunch. He's a crybaby bitch who, at first, makes every team he goes to better - for about fourteen weeks of the season, give or take - and then completely rips them apart with his ego-centric fuckface media rants. I hope he's hit by a fat Texan who's drunk driving his Cadillac that's equipped with Steer Horns drilled into the hood.

Zach Thomas - My token white guy. I don't think he's such a "bad boy", but he's a squatty fuck who's punked the Jets for years, so I hope he tears his ACL early in camp and saves the rest of the viewing public from having to hear every commentator across the country trying to be first in line to suck him off after he starts dominating again.

Pac Man should be left right where he is: Sitting late-night at McDonald's, drunk, trying to score a BJ off a coked up stripper who's housing a McChicken and fries.

Creepy Comparison #16: The REAL Slim Shady

Ok, maybe it's a bit of a stretch but by God it's close enough, and they couldn't be a more charming pair. One is, of course, the infamous "EMINEM". He followed the likes of Vanilla Ice and Snow into the murkey and dangerous world of white rapping. The other is World Series MVP David Eckstein. "The Little Engine That Could" (not his real nickname) was the sparkplug that ignited the 2006 Cardinals and pushed them past the NY Mets in the NLCS. I'm obviously still not over that.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Creepy Comparison #15: Some Hasbeens

Hey, have you ever been a well recognized B-Level celebrity who hosted daytime television game shows and then decided to go off the reservation and offer $1 million to some random dude so you can see him naked? No? Me neither. I've never done either. But Louie Anderson has. And after he got caught, he forever cemented himself in the Hall of Fame for creepy, fat, closet-gays. And who's that next to him? None other than Dante "I didn't get caught, but we all know I did some steroids back in my days with the Blake Street Bombers".

Fuck the Rockies and their dumb fans. Come up with your own clever nickname.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

American Invasion

Hey, and American being an asshole in a different country? No way...

Baseball season started? Why the fuck haven't I seen any games yet?

Oh, they're in Japan. That's right. And Japan is in the future. So shouldn't we be able to watch games on ESPN Classic? No? Fuck...

To think, this almost didn't happen because of a near strike by players who despised the fact that their coaches weren't getting the same $40 K appearance fee as they were. Only $40 K to go to Japan, hit on hot Anime girls dressed in school girl outfits, drink Saki and puke in the overcrowded streets, ride rickshaws like a Roman Emperor, and nurse a hangover while sitting on your ass in a dugout? That still seems like an overreaction on the players part. I wish I was paid that kind of money to be an American tourist asshole.

Other highlights - Comments about Billy Beane's mastery of the payroll/mastery of being a complete fucking lunatic, David Ortiz's Magglio Ordonez-esque Gerri-curl, Manny Ramirez showing everyone why YOU SHOULD NEVER WALK FAT PAPI TO GET TO HIM. Under no circumstances is this a good idea. Even if Manny is 0 for 345, he will drive in a run if you disrespect his manhood. And last but not least, Joe Blanton getting ready to shower rape his whole bullpen after another epic collapse, continuing the tradition on from last year. Good job guys, piss off the ace during the first game of the season...

On the positive news front, Rich Harden pitched a beaut in game 2. I'm glad, because I didn't pick him to to play for my fantastic fantasy team. Why would I be glad that I don't have him? Because we all know Harden does this every single year. He'll throw three unbelievably nasty gems, and then go on the DL with a torn vagina or a strained scalp in the next three weeks, only to sporadically come back during the season to show how good he could be if he managed to stay healthy.

Dice-K looked pretty shitty. But this was expected, at least by me. I'm pretty sure the 2007 free agent signings by the Red Sox will go down as one of the worst in history.

Speaking of bad investments - how about J.D. Drew pulling himself out of the lineup on Tuesday? Again, didn't see that one coming. Drew is destined to be cut down by an unshaven Masshole's bullet by time his contract expires in 34 years.

My favorite part of game 1 was Emil Brown ruining a possible comeback because he's spent the last 3 years on the heaping pile of shit Royals, caring more about which sluts sitting near the waterfall in Kaufmann Stadium look the easiest, than the actual game itself...Moneyball at it's finest.

The American season starts on Sunday. The Nat's vs. The Braves. What a tantalizing match up - Can't wait to watch two non-contenders battle it out for mediocrity on national television. I hope it's on the UPN, especially because they don't have high-def, and watching a game is like watching someone play RBI baseball.

It's on ESPN? Fuck ESPN. Sorry AK, but those bastards canceled my Insider account. Cheap cocksuckers, I hope Bristol is hit my a fucking meteor shower and most of the space rocks hit Stuart Scott in his good eye.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Monday Morning Rant

Here are some thoughts for this Monday Morning. I don't know about you, but I'm fucking psyched for tomorrow's game. Seriously, it could be Kansas City vs. Tampa Bay, I wouldn't care. Anything that takes two minutes away from March Madness and the NBA makes me happy. If the last month is what hell will be like - well - I'm not looking forward to it anymore.

- Kerry Wood is the new Cubs closer. How long until he blows out his elbow? I say the over/under should be May. By May, he'll be back on the DL, and all those overweight people from Chicago will blame their misfortune on a "curse" instead of conceding that maybe management should have not pitched Wood 733 innings his rookie year. Maybe that might have helped, but I'm not too sure.

- Hey, Scott Rolen is hurt again - didn't see that one coming.

- Curtis Granderson is hurt too. So this is the perfect time for me to give you my take on Detroit's chances this year. They're going to be like the 2004 Yankees - an offense that makes opposing pitchers shit their fucking pants, but a pitching staff that couldn't lead a corporate softball team to a league title. Besides Verlander, there are way too many question marks - Bonderman's perennial second half collapse, Nate Robertson's perennial one month of great pitching, five months of mediocre to bad pitching, Kenny Rogers inevitable hick meltdown/cheating scandal, and Dontrelle Willis sucking cock in the AL. What makes matters worse is their bullpen is shit too. Half of it is on the DL, and the other half is a fat white loser who is not making it through May as the closer. Have fun losing in the first round of the playoffs.

- Jets signed Bubba Franks last week. I didn't post about it, because I was too busy burning all of my Jets paraphernalia, and I was too busy tracking down Mike Tannebaum's home address so I could sucker punch him while he's walking to his car in the morning.

- Erik Bedard's spring ERA is above 9.00. Great. So glad I picked him to anchor my fantasy staff.

- I get giddy when I think about this but, who else is fucking ecstatic that Kyle Lohse had to settle for a 1 year deal with the Cardinals? I only feel this way because he is repped by the fucking Josef Stalin of MLB agents, Scott Boras. I'm sick of these mediocre piles of shit getting multi-year deals from brain dead GM's looking for a quick fix - ie: Carlos Silva. Lohse blows. He was looking for a 5 year deal at the beginning of free agency, and now he's stuck in Philly with ravenous fans and a closer that's still shell shocked from the ass rape he received three years ago. See Kyle? That's what you get by listening to that immortal douchebag of an agent.

- Floyd Mayweather's participating in the WWE...boxing has officially made the incision in it's femoral artery.

- Miguel Cabrera signed an eight year, $153 million extension. He's 24 years old. Man do I wish I had taken steroids in high school to play baseball...

- Sean Casey hurt his neck riding the plane to Japan last week. Wonder if that had anything to do with his nickname being, "The Mayor", or his penchant for giving hummers to David Ortiz in the plane's bathroom.

- Opening Day for Major League Baseball is tomorrow. Can't wait to watch a game with no cheering and a bunch of fans that have less animation than the crowd in MVP Baseball 2005 on Playstation 2. Seriously, why are Japanese people so reserved? Does it only seem that way because Americans are loud, obnoxious drunken maniacs? How many times will a Japanese woman be offended by a smashed Sox fan running around the Tokoyo Dome with his shirt off, pissing his pants and screaming "Fuck the Yankees!"

Friday, March 21, 2008

Friday Foto

The Nickname That Wasn't...

Ty Law and Lawyer Milloy are (were).......


Damn, what a great nickname. Can someone tell the Pats to get them both back? I'd be famous!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Countdown to '08: The San Francisco Giants

"DAMN! I'm sure glad I didn't sign with those other Giants!"

Team: San Francisco Giants
Claim to Fame: Originally based in NYC, one of the most storied franchises in MLB history. From Bobby Thompson's "shot heard round the world" to Barry Lamar Bonds' 756th home run, this organization has seen it all.
Cause of Fall From Grace: Two Words. Barry Zito.
Was That a Bit of an Exageration?: Yes
G.M. on Suicide Watch/On His Last Hurrah With the G-Men: Yes
Manager Has Biggest Head in the Biz/Very Unusual Eyelashes On Right Eye: Yes

Ok, let's not sugar coat this. Things are not good in the Bay Area right now. The Raiders suck. The Niners suck. Although I only have minor experience in this area based on a friend of mine (what up Lucas!!!) I imagine even though the A's suck right now, the fact that they are so unpredictable and could be good at any time must just make dealing with those uppity fans intolerable. And to make matters worse, ever since Bonds' prime pt. II* (see below) when the team could have essentially marched a middle school JV baseball team out on the field behind the slugger, they just haven't been able to put it all together.

Why is this? I don't know. Why are teams bad? Are they poor? Nope, team's got plenty of cash and play in one of the grand stadium-jewels in all of baseball. I guess it's because of bad players. Why are there bad players on the team? I guess because the people who's job it is to get them aren't doing it very well. Brian Sabean's time has run out. There was a time when he could do no wrong and was revered as one of the top GM's in baseball. Those days have faded to black. His magic potion of 2 parts Rich Aurillia, 1 tbsp Kirk Reuter, a pinch of Shawn Estes/Russ Ortiz and a big 'ol heaping tsp of BONDS has run dry. I suppose he just doesn't get it anymore. Broom him fast and get one of those fresh faced 25 year old stat-head boy geniuses or gun slinging take-on-the-world minorities in the front office A.S.A.P. to right the ship!

They play in a tough division, the toughest in baseball from top to bottom for that matter. They're still riddled with old and decrepit players that have large contracts that just won't seem to go away. You'd think some of the typical things that tend to befall the elderly would just naturally happen to them, i.e. fall and can't get up/get lost in the neighborhood going out to get the mail at night after forgetting they already got the mail 6 hours earlier/take the wrong prescription meds and wind up in the 24 hour discount pharmacy at 1am complaining that "everything smells like tuna fish again!" But no, somehow they keep finding their way to the ball park each night.

And in case you were wondering, no, I'm not going to rant on the Zito deal. We all know what went down. He's not a bad pitcher, he's just not the 2nd best pitcher in baseball, which he's being paid as if he is.

Listen, it's obviously not all bad. PLENTY of young pitching all over that roster from the pen to the starting rotation. Lincecum is apparently the second coming of Orel Hersheiser, from the troublingly ghoulish and hard to look at face, to the little bulldog mentality, to the intimidatingly hard to pronounce last name. Rowand is a real nice player (getting paid too much) and will be around for a while. Good heart and soul kind of guy with a great glove. If they can get the rest of the old codgers in the lineup out of there sooner than later they just might be able to turn this around. And another thing, why don't people talk about defense as much as hitting and pitching? It's just as important. Ok, there's my next post.

Giants Playoff Chances in '08: MMmmmmm, no.

(* "prime pt. II (tm)" refers to ages 35-39. It is a new classification of that age period for superior athletes that through gene therapy and scientifically advanced supplements are able to will themselves into having a second physical prime that begins immediately after the initial biological prime)

I'll Bracket Bust on Your Face

I fucking loathe this time of year.

Stop sending me requests to fill out brackets. Just. Stop. I don't want any part of it. I don't find it fun whatsoever. Watching a dead body decompose on a river bed is more fun for me. College Basketball is as appealing as Ellen DeGeneres wearing a strap on. So stop sending me these fucking things, because you're wasting your time.

If you're one of the 9 people who read this blog that doesn't have the same last name as me, here are some things to remember when pondering the thought of ANYONE not wanting to participate in a March Madness pool.

- I hate people who talk about how well they're doing in their respective pool. Oh, you picked George Mason to upset Kentucky and it actually happened? Holy shit! You must be the only person in the whole country that went against who a handful of fat fuck columnists told you to pick. Go die.

- I hate when girls brag about "winning it all, and knowing nothing about sports!" Well here's a tip sweetheart - the guy running the office pool, the one with the receding hairline and foggy glasses? He's been tipping the points in your favor because he goes home at night and masturbates in the bathroom to a picture of you while his wife is knocked out on Ambien because she's sexually frustrated with his lack of passion. So you're ruining a marriage by entering the pool. Great job, you slut.

- People that refer to this as "their favorite time of the year for sports". Really? Are you fucking serious? Is the Kentucky Derby a close second?

- I hate when non-caring people suddenly act like every fucking game is going to make or break their financial status for the year. Hey pussy-who-has-never-stepped-foot-on-a-basketball/baseball/football-surface-in-your-life - Shut the fuck up! You put $20 into a pool that's run by the bosses secretary. You didn't just lose all your money to a mobster playing Canasta. Get over yourself and go home and take some more bowl hits with your other loser friends.

- And that's another thing - when people say, "C'mon, it's only $20, what are you cheap?(insert bigot remark here)"
No fucker, I'm not. But here's the point: I don't even want to fill the thing out for kicks. I don't even want someone else to fill it out for me. I hate it that much. I don't care who upsets who, or who did what to win whatever game. A tight scoring match with a powerhouse pitted against an underdog evokes ZERO emotion in me. I'm the guy at the bar watching the one TV tuned into "Perfect Strangers".

Even though basketball has no place in this blog, I just felt that this needed to be said. So you can keep your photocopied piece of paper, and leave me the fuck alone.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Duel Creepy Comparison #14: Fake Dead/Real Dead

Maybe this this one is a bit of a stretch, but I don't care. I'm a huge fan of the distorted contorsions of Andre the Giant's massive head, as well as the fat disaster that is Bartolo Colon. Now if Colon makes a comeback, he will be on this site a lot more, only because he's on the Red Sox now, and they will have stepped in ship if Colon gets his fat ass back into shape and starts pitching well.

I love the Sopranos, but certain characters on the show irked the ever loving shit out of me. Case in point - Jason Cerbone, aka Jackie Aprile Jr. He was the most worthless piece of shit character/actor to ever grace the show, and Cerbone's acting skills were reminiscent of a pile of shit playing the lead in, "West Side Story". And when I'm putting together a list of people that I have absolute contempt for, Paul Lo Duca is very, very high up on it. I don't care that he took HGH or steroids - who the fuck does? I only care that he cheated on his smoking hot Playboy Playmate wife with some dumb L.I. chick who looked like she had the same standards as a Hofstra sorority girl with self esteem issues.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Scott Spiezio would like to wish everyone a happy, safe St. Patrick's Day. Please remember to drink excessively and then drive your car into your neighbors house, and if they protest, proceed to puke on them and them punch them in the eye...Bonus is they're female!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Reversal - MLB in Hollywood

In light of Billy Crystal's recent stint with the Yankees, I think this type of deal (rich actor pays tons of money to pretend he is not over the hill and/or a pansy) should be reciprocated by Hollywood big wigs. Let's put MLB managers into movies.

Joe Girardi - Patton

"Men, this stuff that some sources (The AP, you fat hateful cocks) sling around about The Yankees wanting out of this war, not wanting to fight, is a crock of bullshit. Yankees love to fight, traditionally. All real Yankees - yes, even you Alex - love the sting and clash of battle...Yankees play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Yankees have never lost nor will ever lose a war - not counting for '04 and '07; for the very idea of losing is hateful to a Yankee.
...My men don't grow facial hair. I don't want them to. Beards, Goats, Mustaches, they only cloud up our handsomeness. Keep shaving. And don't give the enemy time to copy us, either. We'll win this war, but we'll win it only by shaving and by showing the Red Sox that we've gotten more goddamn hot-box than they have; or ever will have. We're not going to just fuck more groupies than those sons-of-bitches, we're going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the spikes of our cleats.
...I believe in the old and sound rule that an ounce of sweat will save a gallon of blood. The harder WE push, the more Red Sox we will kill. The more Red Sox we kill, the more sluts their are for us to nail."

Willie Randolph, Omar Minaya, Mr. Met - Boyz n’ the Hood

Willie Dolphboy: Yeah, I heard you been gettin' that dope-head pussy. See, me, I probably get more pussy than you get air with yo' wannabe macdaddy ass.

Da Met: You don't know what I be getting. I don't be fucking no dopeheads. I let them suck my dick. Shit, they got AIDS and shit.

Minayaster: Stupid motherfucker, don't you know you can catch that shit from letting them suck on your dick?

Willie Dolphboy: Thank you.

Da Met: See. I ain't sick. I ain't all skinny and shit.

Minayster: Nigga, what you mean you ain't skinny. Motherfucker so skinny he can hula hoop through a Cheerio. Nigga, you ain't got to be skinny. You can die from that shit years from now.

Da Met: Y'all just trying to scare me. For real, you can die from letting them suck on your dick?

Willie Dolphboy: Mark.

Ozzie Guillen - Scarface

"Is this it? That's what it's all about, Thome? Eating, drinking, fucking, sucking? Snorting? Then what? You're 50. You got a bag for a belly. You got tits, you need a bra. They got hair on them. You got a liver, they got spots on it, and you're eating this fuckin' shit, looking like these rich fucking mummies (Kenny Williams) in here... Look at this right here, look at Paul Konerko. He’s a junkie. I got a fuckin' junkie for a first baseman. He don't eat nothing. Sleeps all day with them black shades on. Wakes up with a Quaalude, and who won't fuck me 'cause he's in a coma. I can't even have a kid with him, Thome. His womb is so polluted, I can't even have a fuckin' little baby with him!"

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Creepy Comparison #13: Big Hitters

"Meat Loaf, meet, John Kruk. John Kruk, meet, Meat Loaf. You're both fat, and one of you is much more talented at your respective fields than the other, but you look so goddamn much alike, I just had to get you two fat piles of shit in the same room together...Now try not to salivate all over this brand new Persian rug. It's from Persia."

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Breaking News: Let's Go Racism!

How is this stuff still alright?

Ok. So I'm no angel and (as long as this is not the first post you've ever read here) this blog is certainly not the right soapbox for me to stand on to make a point like this.'s 2008. I know we have a lot of big problems out there. The war, gas prices out of control, Carrot Top has apparently taken over Las Vegas, but c'mon! Look at these damn team logos! We already took over their land and forced them to run our casinos, do we have to rub it in too?!

I don't feel very strongly about too many issues. I'm a middle-class white male age 18-39. I don't have too many real problems. I dropped a bundle taking some broad out on a date and she didn't call me back. That's about my biggest problem. But hey, I like sports. And in this quiet little refuge from society in which I spend most of my time I must take a stand.

Let's look at each logo, shall we?

Atlanta Braves - What would you say that expression is on his face? Taking a round of musket fire in the back or a big 'ol ahhh-chhooooo from the small pox he got last week?

Washington Redskins - So I guess this is the one where you could claim it's not that bad, right? Please. Aside from the fact that the team name is the REDSKINS, the profile of that proud stoic warrior looks like it's an etching on a tombstone.

Cleveland Indians - And we come to Chief WaHoo. Do I really have to say anything? A big, grinning, red-faced Native American cartoon. Wow...Really?

I don't know. I guess as far as minorities go, there aren't enough Native Americans around to make a big stink, and they probably have bigger fish to fry than fixing this. But what I do know is, if there was a baseball hat with a Spanish guy wearing a sombrero holding a taco, or two nondescript Black guys with black skull caps on, or heck even a White guy with black framed glasses, suspenders and a calculator all hell would break loose.

Why is this still ok?

A Beckoning From Above

"My back! Cops, Ahhh, my back."

Beckett could miss the season opener in Japan against the A's in two weeks. Dice-K got shelled again. Schilling is reattaching with electrical tape. Boston's Savior? See below...

Monday, March 10, 2008

Worst of the Worst Part II - The Position Players

We've seen my top 5 awful contracts for pitchers over the past decade, so now it's time to look at the position players. I think it's easier to eat a bad contract for a position player, only because some team will find some type of value in him. If a pitcher goes sour, or completely off the fucking reservation, they're avoided at lengthier distances than a naked Tom Cruise skipping through a men's locker room.

So here are my top five - feel free to disagree in the comments section.

1. Joey "Albert" Belle
1999, Baltimore Orioles - 5 Years, $65 Million

I'm actually happy the O's made it on the list with Belle's deal, only because Belle was painfully close to signing with the Yankees. But let's not dwell on that, because I can't imagine this absolute lunatic ravaging New York City. To start, Belle did have two solid season with the O's, driving in over 100 runs both years and hitting .291 in '99, and .281 in '00. But, things changed drastically after the his second season. Following a September '00 injury, he was told by doctors that he could not play baseball anymore. A guy who hits 23 HR's one season, and then is told he can't play anymore must have a serious problem, right? Well, yes. His hip degenerated into scar tissue and pure terror. Isn't that supposed to happen to geriatrics when they hit their "I can't drive anymore, but fuck it, I'm old and I'm gonna' die soon," days? And to drive it home (no pun intended - wucka wucka), this condition also happens to people with prolonged use of steroids. Dun, Dun, Daaaahhh!

2. Jason Kendall
2002, Pittsburgh Pirates - 6 Years, $60 Million

The Pirates - at the time Kendall was given this retarded contract - had not finished above .500 in 10 seasons. 10 SEASONS! Even the Royals had managed to hit that lofty 82 win plateau during that span. Am I the only one who thinks this contract should've raised some serious red flags? Maybe management should've signed some pitching to compete with perennial All-Star's like Kip "I Like to Lose in the Double-digits" Wells, and Kris "My Wife Makes Me Watch Her Blow the Gardener" Benson. Fuck it, why not sign a new tailor to make uniforms that have sleeves attached to the fucking arms. Sign a hit man to murder that geek Brian Giles. Bottom line, there are a lot better ways the Bucs could've spent that money. Maybe take the team to Hershey Park or something - maybe that would motivate them to stop being worthless.

3. J.D. Drew
2007, Boston Red Sox - 5 Years, $70 Million

I don't care if Drew goes on to launch a homemade space shuttle into orbit - he's still an underachiever, and this deal still sucks cock. Drew, known for his lack of hustle, should never have gotten this contract to begin with. I'm surprised that Theo even fell for the notion that Drew still has some untapped potential buried beneath his lack of commitment and hatred for anything besides hunting knives. C'mon, Theo, get your fucking head out of David Ortiz's fat Dominican ass and think. And don't give me that shit that Drew's grand slam in the postseason makes up for the awful contract. Because if that's the case, then doesn't Fernando Tatis deserve $140 Million and a fucking kilo of uncut Colombian heroin now?

4. Gary Mathews Jr.
2007, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - 5 Years, $50 Million

Again, the career-year/contract-year shit comes into play once again. Mathews, a lifetime .258 hitter up until '06, with statistical highs across the board that year, cashes in on another moron GM looking to make a splash. Well, here's how good Gary is - the Angels signed Torri Hunter to play center this year. Wow - if that's not fucking moronic, then I don't know what is. Not to mention the fact that the Angles currently have Vlad Guerrero, Old Man Garrett Anderson, Reggie "I'm Not Black - I'm White" Willits, and Juan Rivera, vying for playing time in the outfield...This situation should make everyone happy.

5A. Mo Vaughn
1999, Anaheim Angels - 6 Years, $88 Million

The Mo Vaughn story is run into the dirt already, but here's a rehash. Vaughn signs a monster contract with the Angels, plays well in his first two years, and then misses the entire 2001 season due to injury. The Mets deal for him, then proceed to watch him eat children in the parking lot and burn stacks of money in the clubhouse to cook his Jimmy Dean frozen egg and sausage sandwiches. Hilarity ensues, the Mets cash in on their insurance policy, and everyone in Queens pretends this little incident never happened. Vaughn is now building tenements in Brooklyn with the money the Mets gave him...seriously.

5B. Jason Giambi
2002, New York Yankees - 7 Years $120 Million

Writing that number hurts, it really does. If only Giambi did what he did in 2002 every year for the Yankees, then all of this bullshit he's pulled since then would be forgettable. Steroids? Here have some more, just as long as you drive in 110 runs and cut your greasy fucking hair. And stop losing weight - you're starting to look like a freshly released POW returning home from Cambodia.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Worst of The Worst - Free Agents

After good old AK's post about the worst trades in the history of baseball, I decided we should discuss another hot topic in baseball: The worst free agent signing over the past 10 years. It's obviously a highly disputable topic, but it's one where I think everyone has one instance that's burned into their brain, one signing that made them throw up their hands and ssay to their respective holyier than thou, "I can do a better job than this asshole."

I know I've said it a million times.

So here are my choices. The only guidelines are - the transaction had to have happened within the last ten years - 1998 - 2008. I've separated mine into worst 5 pitching contract, worst five position contracts. They are also not ranked, because they are all shitty, so take note that the numbers next to the name are only there to help keep my swaying mind focused.

First up: The Pitchers

1. Mike Hampton
2001, Colorado Rockies -
8 Years, $121 Million

There are a few things that make me wince when I think about this one. First, Hampton had one phenominal year. Just one - In 1999 on Houston. After that, he was a great #2, nothing more. After Hampton helped the overachieving Mets get to the World Series in 2000, Colorado decided to throw their financial future at him. It's funny, because his deal is almost identical to the one Barry Zito got last off season. Only time will tell if Zito joins Hampton in the garbage dumpster house, but what separates the two is Hampton's deal was done almost seven years prior! Hampton went on to go 21-23 with a 5.78 ERA over two years for The Rockies. Then Colorado dealt him, absorbing some of the money. He's since made 72 starts for Atlanta over 5 years. Awful.

2. Chan Ho Park
2002, Texas Rangers - 5 Years, $65 Million

Where to start with Chan Ho? Well, first off, he decided to go from one of the best pitching parks, LA, to one of the worst pitching parks, in Arlington. I could hit 25 HR's in Arlington (no), so it's hard to imagine why Park wanted to play here. I know the Rangers hardly ever get carried away with large, ridiculous contracts (false), but this made less sense than A-Rod's. At least A-Rod went on to crush everything in sight. Park? He did NOTHING. He was God awful, going 16-21 with a 6.21 ERA over his first 3 seasons with The Rangers. Then he was dealt to the Padres for uber-douche Phil Nevin is one of the best shitty-for-shitty player deals ever. Park is still slumming around baseball, hopefully not for long.

3. Darren Dreifort
2001, Los Angeles Dodgers - 5 Years, $55 Million

Okay, so I understand when a desparate team makes a desparate deal to sign a player with a substantional chance to become a very good player. What I don't get is why the Dodgers would give Dreifort such a ridiculous contract after he brought nothing but medicority to the rotation for three seasons. He was 33-34 in the three years prior to this deal. Great decision, assholes. Dreifort went on to make a grand total of 26 starts over the next 4 years. He is now giving $12 handies behind the the L.A. Coliseum.

4. Carl Pavano
2005, New York Yankees - 4 Years, $39 Million.

The great Yankee purge of 2005. This was obviously the crown jewel of their shitty free agent signings during the '04 offseason. We all know Steinbrenner was in shell shock after The Choke, so why not dump $40 million into a guy that - again - HAD ONE GOOD SEASON! Has this ever worked out? I don't think any player - in any sport for that matter - who had roughly 3 average, to below-average seasons, followed by 1 great season, has ever gone on to greatness. Case in point - Neil O'Donnell, Larry Brown, JD Drew, Adam Eaton...I could go on for ever. And we all know the Pavano story already. He makes me want to punch a hole through my fucking desk. And his girlfriend is S-M-O-K-I-N-G. Fucking dickhead.

5. Kevin Millwood
2006, Texas Rangers - 5 Years, $60 Million

When the fuck are you going to learn, Jon Daniels? Do I have to fucking berate you some more? This guy is a terrible GM - just awful. After trading away potential ace Chris Young, and clean up hitter Adrian Gonzalez for a drunk homeless man and $487, they go out and get Millwood to make up for it. Great job. He's old, angry and he sucks. I can't stand dumb GM's, and I think Daniels should be beaten at home plate by season ticket holders to make up for his shitheadedness

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Creepy Comparison #12: The Fatso's

I honestly can't even look at the picture of Don Vito for more than 4 seconds without getting sick to my stomach. It really makes my gut churn. Then again, Len Pasquarelli isn't exactly a peach to look at, either. He's another miserable bastard who would be much happier locked in a room, surrounded by cakes and hams, eating himself to death rather than reporting about the NFL.

*Note - Pasquarelli had a heart attack in early February. I didn't know this when I posted it. Chalk up another bad karma report for this guy...

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Countdown to '08: The Philadelphia Phillies

Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Fans Known For: Cheering dying players from opposing team, throwing snowballs at God, strangling drifters who don't like Mike Schmidt, arguing the greatness of Mike Lieberthal, chasing Italian guys running down the street to theme music, running up famous steps like Rocky Balboa and then dropping dead of cheese steak induced heart attacks
Sports Teams Known For: Shitting the bed
Brett Myers Likes to Practice His Right Hook on Woman in Public: True
Brass Thinks it's a Good Idea to Move Ace into Closer Role: True

A few months ago, Philly's resurgence was the talk of baseball. They cut down the Met's division lead over the last two weeks of the season, creating a story that sportswriters around the globe proceeded to run into the ground worse than Michael Irvin's line-shaven hairdo at The Vet. We all were sick of it. Even us Yankee fans, who were reading 75 articles a day about a bunch of fucking gnats in Cleveland, thought the Mets collapse was a bit over-publicized.

Then the Phillies went on to get swept by the even-more-feel-good-story in the Colorado Rockies - Thus creating another story for beat writers to masturbate quietly to in their mom's basements. It was a never ending cycle.

But let's look at the team in '08.

Staff Ace? Check.
Power hitting monster? Check.
Handsome gentleman manning 2B who is the unheralded hero? Check.
Cornrowed shortstop with a knack for controversy? Check.
Bullpen? ...

That's the problem. No pen, whatsoever. Anyone with half a non-damaged brain knew this team was in trouble last year when they converted their staff ace into a closer. If Todd Jones gets too fat and drops dead of a heart attack at a drag race rally, do you think the Tigers will move Justin Verlander into his role? No shot. And trading for Brad Lidge isn't going to help the situation, either. Putting him in front of the vicious Philadelphia faithful is like putting a Vietnam Vet in charge of the Macy's 4th of July fireworks display. Not a good idea. The minute Carlos Beltran takes him deep in the 9th(and doesn't watch the 3rd strike go by to lose the game) it's all over for Lidge. He'll lose all his composure and dignity like a drunk sorority girl getting caught by her boyfriend blowing some random dude in an alleyway during Fat Tuesday. He's Mitch Williams Part II. But at least Mitch Williams had a mullet, letting the hilarity ensue long after his life was in shambles and a whole section of the country wanted to see him bludgeoned to death with a rusty crowbar.

The Phillies do have a powerful offense. And I'm not sure there's a better 1-2-3 than Rollins, Utley and Howard in all of baseball. They also have the Met killer, Pat Burrell. Unbeknownst to me, up until a couple of years ago, I had no idea how badly he owned the Mets. I thought David Ortiz owned the Yankees worse than anyone, but I think Burrell has him beat. He hits like .173 against every other team in the NL, but against the Mets, he's batting .853 lifetime. They also have the resident nerd, Shane Victorino, with his fucking two-sided Little League helmet and his go-get-em hustle.

The bottom line is, The Phillies will live and die in tight games this year. And now that the Mets have added The Messiah to their pitching staff, I can't really see this team taking the division again. They could win the wildcard though, because the National League is less competitive than the Chelsea Pier's Intramural Gay Kissing League.

Odds of the Phillies Making the Playoffs: Same odds that a bisexual, coke-induced Lindsay Lohan porn tape surfaces this year - pretty solid

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

ESPN - For the Birds

I've officially turned on the world wide leader in sports, and this time it's permanent.

Yeah, I'll still check out the site every once in a while, but I plan on holding a grudge like a step-child meeting the new guy nailing his Momma, and I will never advocate one of their breaking reports. You're fucking dead to me, ESPN.

I know this might be a touchy subject, because someone on this site receives his paychecks from that Nazi Walt Disney and his bloodsucking Himmler counterpart, ESPN, but I don't give a fuck. I'm pissed.

The hatred started with the way I was bent me over by this whole 'Insider' nonsense. To start off, 'Insider' is a fucking crock. It's the complete rape and pillage of their own fan base. Want to read something written by a respectable columnist such as Buster Olney? Nope, suck a dick none-paying-visitor, you need to pony up some cash. Here, why don't you read something detailing the World Championship of Pillow Fighting and count the number of brain cells you hear disintegrating, retard. Would you like to see a mock draft by Mel Kiper, and get a glance at his beautiful black mane of man-hair? I'm sorry, dickhead, not happening. Go read a suddenly dated and unfunny Bill Simmons' article about how good he thinks he is at poker or how good he is at not picking the correct team to bet on during football season.

And here are a few other things that annoy me...

Stuart Scott

Your eye? The fucking creepy one? That's what you get for being a self-absorbed prick who won't give up his past glories. You're like a high school hero who can't live down the six interceptions he had his JV year(me). Start acting like a middle-aged man and not an unfunny comedian who references shit that wasn't really funny twelve years ago. And by the way, your page in the Magazine - the one where you constantly defend black athletes who commit inexcusable crimes - it makes you look like a fucking asshole.


Who the fuck wants to watch amateur karate and drag racing? Who in their right mind would sit down and watch more than 1 minute of a pool game they are not participating in. If you're not drunk, or betting on a game of billiards, and you find yourself watching a full half-hour of a game, than I think you should off yourself immediately, because you're not doing society any favors by existing. And if you really insist on watching amateur karate, than drag your fat ass off the couch and go down to the closest mini-mall. There's a spot next to the local child molester on the school's plate-glass window, feel free to peer in and watch with him.

The ESPY's

Why don't you just call it, "The Mainstream Athletes Un-Hip Corporate Sponsors Will Recognize When We Hand Them a Stupid Trophy". You ignore anyone who isn't relevant to pop-sports. You should just replace this with a three hour video of Tom Brady and LeBron James giving each other reach-arounds.

ESPN Classic

You would think by now ESPN would get the hint and start showing old games that people care about. Nope, not even close. They will continue to show crap because it doesn't cost them anything. The channel is a cash cow. There is zero production cost to hire a widower to sit in an empty room and pop Beta tapes into a shitty old VCR and hit 'play'. Fuck you ESPN for understanding capitalism.


You single-handedly ruined poker. RUINED IT. Whoever didn't jump on the Hold 'Em wagon after seeing Rounders(me) definitely jumped on it after you televised the World Series of Poker like it was the brainwashing video in A Clockwork Orange.

NFL Films on ESPN

First off, I have a bone to pick with Steve Sabol. How is it possible that this tan prick can decide who gets to see old broadcasts of NFL games? Isn't America anti-monopoly? This is fucking bullshit. And it's not like Sabol even sells his old footage to ESPN and lets them air the original game. No, we get an edited version with some bullshit voice over that fucks up the whole game. What's the point of condensing a great game into two minutes of footage? What are you doing with the rest of that video, Steve? Are you using it to apply moisturizer to your sunburned balls? Die.

So that's it for me. No more of this bullshit. If I want sports news, I'm going directly to the source, ie:,, etc,(lie). Unless of course, I'm given a free Insider account, and then we can be friends again.

Does anyone have a username/password I can use?

Me = Unappreciative asshole.

Worst Baseball Trade Ever?

We'll it's your turn, America, to have your voice heard! I was talking about this with a co-worker when we ran across #3 (below) and I, as a Met fan, had to throw out the 2 disasters we've been a part of.

I've been loving all the new comments on the posts recently, and let's keep it going. Which was the worst?

December 10, 1971: Nolan Ryan traded by the New York Mets with Frank Estrada, Don Rose, and Leroy Stanton to the California Angels for Jim Fregosi (Yup, thats it. Just Jim Fregosi).

July 30, 2004: Scott Kazmir traded by the New York Mets with Jose Diaz to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays for Bartolome Fortunato (who?) and Victor Zambrano (ohh dear God. Did anyone else see him throw that 1 pitch like 2 years ago and immediately sprint off the mound, never being seen again? I guess his elbow just evaporated, along with his dignity).

November 14, 2003: Joe Nathan traded by the San Francisco Giants with Boof Bonser and Francisco Liriano to the Minnesota Twins for A.J. Pierzynski and cash (in all honesty, how could they know? Bonser and Liriano were nothing but prospects and Nathan was an injury plagued failed starter turned set up man that had 1 solid year in his career, and Pierzynski was one of the better hitting catchers in the bigs at the time. Still though, A.J. Pierzynski? Ouch!).

Got another option? Comments section. Do it.

Creepy Comparison #11: The Knight Edition

One guy holds awful white rappers over balcony railings during shakedowns, beats up gangsters in casino lobbies, and hangs out with doomed rappers on the night they get murdered. The other ditched my beloved Jets to win a Super Bowl with the Giants. Not sure which one I dislike more. If you don't know who's who - the left is Suge Knight, the right is Kareem McKenzie. Now stop playing Xbox for seven minutes and catch up on the last 15 years or so, you fucking geek.

This was sent to me from one of my friends. I couldn't get a great shot of Cuba, but that's probably because he's been busy making blockbuster movies like Boat Trip, Snow Dogs and Daddy Day Camp. Someone should send him a memo saying, "What you're doing is NOT okay. Stop. It's fucking embarrasing." The other guy is Strong Safety for hire, Sammy Knight, signed by the Giants yesterday.

Monday, March 3, 2008

This Renders My Previous Post...

...Completely Insignificant...


1A. Calvin Pace DE/LB
New York Jets, $42 Million 6 Years

I want to jump off a balcony right now. Words cannot describe how awful this will turn out. I'm not predicting it, I'm guaranteeing it. Pace is a bust, and fuck what he did last year - which wasn't a "breakout year" in any way. This is sickening. Why not use that money for someone who will have a real impact, you know, like A FUCKING QUARTERBACK.

I'm officially convinced that I can do a better job as a GM than most of the idiots controlling teams right now.

Monday Morning Blasphemy

I can't say I'm happy to be up this morning. I still have that fizzy feeling on my brain after drinking 63 beers on Saturday and blacking out as some random Irish guy sang "Wonderwall" in some random backyard. Nothing makes you feel better than forgetting 36 hours from your weekend(actually I feel the exact opposite).

But there has been a lot of movement in sports. Especially since free agency started last week in the NFL. I'd like to discuss The Patriots right now, and how they've been thouroughly fucked by teams unwilling to adhere to the reigning AFC Champions cheap and (specific ethnicity)-esque ways, but I thought I'd start off with my top three most retarded moves thus far instead, because the Patriots deserve their own post.

1. Jerry Porter - WR
Jacksonville Jaguars - 5 Years, $30 Million

What should a team do that doesn't have one ounce of talent at WR? They go and sign Jerry Porter, a team cancer who is one of the top five most selfish assholes in the game today. If you're singled out as a prick while playing for the Raiders, then God only knows how much you really suck at life. And here's another fun fact, Jacksonville traded a 6th round pick for Minnesota's Troy Williamson...That's funny, I wouldn't trade my 6th round pick in my fantasy baseball draft to have Troy Williamson play for my intramural team (not on one). My Aunt - who's 65 - has better hands and a better upside than him.

2. Madieu Williams - FS
Minnesota Vikings - 6 Years, $33 Million

You never heard of Williams? That's extremely plausible, especially if you are not a Bengals fan, or you didn't go to "Date Rape" University of Maryland. But $33 mil for a safety? I'm sorry, all this is doing inflating the market. I'll bet that Williams - fuck that, any safety - will never do anything to make this contract seem like a good value. Unless he drills every soul on the cheerleading squad and cures cancer, Williams will be a bust in my mind.

3. Bernard Berrian - WR
Minnesota Vikings - 6 Years, $42 Million

A deep threat who has bad hands an injury riddled track record? Is his name Troy Wiliamson? Oh, not Troy? Then you must mean Bernard Berrian. He's a brittle douche who will crumble the hearts of Viking fans for years to come.

And this is only after three full days of wheeling and dealing, who knows what else we're in store for...

Some other thoughts I had this morning...

- Good to see nobody cares about who was named on the Mitchell Report, as long as their last name doesn't end in 'emens' or 'onds'. Hey Juan Gonzalez is back - weird - I though he retired 4 years ago after his hip exploded. Oh, and he's hitting home runs off of Johan Santana. Oh, and he hasn't taken a swing since 2005. Just your typical comeback story.

- I hope Zach Thomas shreds his knee during the Cowboys first mini-camp this year. I don't care if he's undersized, or that he's such a feel good story because nobody believed in him. He signed with Dallas, he should be sent straight to fucking hell when he dies.

- How can the Patriots spit in Randy Moss's face? He took their offense from great to legendary. True, he dissapeared in the playoffs, but without Moss, they do not go undefeated in the 2007 regular season. If I was that idiot Robert Kraft, I would hand Randy a blank check and give him a fat, white bread fucking smile and say, "go nuts, pal."

- Does anyone else think about strangling panhandlers who sing on the subway? No? Cool, me either.

- I wish Hank Streinbrenner would be a man and send Kei Igawa back on the same fucking boat he sailed in on. And while he's at it, shove those geeky fucking glasses right up Igawa's ass.

- Men who sit in the middle seat of a train/bus/rollercoaster when the other two seats are occupied by people they do not know should be punched right in the cock. Be a fucking man and stand up. Don't slink your faggity body into the seat and try and act smooth. I am judging you, and I am calling you a "bitch" in my head, so your paranoia is not far-fetched.

- Clay Bucholz got shelled in his first start of Spring Training. If this was my fantasy world, Clay would be getting cut today and tomorrow he would be selling flowers on the side of 1-95.

- If I see another person wearing a "I'm not Irish, but Kiss me Anyway" or a "Irish Drinking Team" shirt on St. Patrick's Day, I'm going to snap. You are not on the fucking Irish drinking team. You put wax in your hair and you wear sneakers that look like fucking bowling shoes. And you have orange skin, and it's fucking creepy.

- Wait for Semi-Pro to come out on DVD. Not worth the $57 to go see it in the movies...