Wednesday, March 26, 2008

American Invasion

Hey, and American being an asshole in a different country? No way...

Baseball season started? Why the fuck haven't I seen any games yet?

Oh, they're in Japan. That's right. And Japan is in the future. So shouldn't we be able to watch games on ESPN Classic? No? Fuck...

To think, this almost didn't happen because of a near strike by players who despised the fact that their coaches weren't getting the same $40 K appearance fee as they were. Only $40 K to go to Japan, hit on hot Anime girls dressed in school girl outfits, drink Saki and puke in the overcrowded streets, ride rickshaws like a Roman Emperor, and nurse a hangover while sitting on your ass in a dugout? That still seems like an overreaction on the players part. I wish I was paid that kind of money to be an American tourist asshole.

Other highlights - Comments about Billy Beane's mastery of the payroll/mastery of being a complete fucking lunatic, David Ortiz's Magglio Ordonez-esque Gerri-curl, Manny Ramirez showing everyone why YOU SHOULD NEVER WALK FAT PAPI TO GET TO HIM. Under no circumstances is this a good idea. Even if Manny is 0 for 345, he will drive in a run if you disrespect his manhood. And last but not least, Joe Blanton getting ready to shower rape his whole bullpen after another epic collapse, continuing the tradition on from last year. Good job guys, piss off the ace during the first game of the season...

On the positive news front, Rich Harden pitched a beaut in game 2. I'm glad, because I didn't pick him to to play for my fantastic fantasy team. Why would I be glad that I don't have him? Because we all know Harden does this every single year. He'll throw three unbelievably nasty gems, and then go on the DL with a torn vagina or a strained scalp in the next three weeks, only to sporadically come back during the season to show how good he could be if he managed to stay healthy.

Dice-K looked pretty shitty. But this was expected, at least by me. I'm pretty sure the 2007 free agent signings by the Red Sox will go down as one of the worst in history.

Speaking of bad investments - how about J.D. Drew pulling himself out of the lineup on Tuesday? Again, didn't see that one coming. Drew is destined to be cut down by an unshaven Masshole's bullet by time his contract expires in 34 years.

My favorite part of game 1 was Emil Brown ruining a possible comeback because he's spent the last 3 years on the heaping pile of shit Royals, caring more about which sluts sitting near the waterfall in Kaufmann Stadium look the easiest, than the actual game itself...Moneyball at it's finest.

The American season starts on Sunday. The Nat's vs. The Braves. What a tantalizing match up - Can't wait to watch two non-contenders battle it out for mediocrity on national television. I hope it's on the UPN, especially because they don't have high-def, and watching a game is like watching someone play RBI baseball.

It's on ESPN? Fuck ESPN. Sorry AK, but those bastards canceled my Insider account. Cheap cocksuckers, I hope Bristol is hit my a fucking meteor shower and most of the space rocks hit Stuart Scott in his good eye.

1 comment:

Dan said...

I'm not sure you can actually call it a "good eye." It's starting to go the other way now. Maybe, "less crooked eye"?