Friday, March 28, 2008

The Cowboy Way

Pacman Jones might be headed to Dallas. The Cowboys upped their pursuit of the troubled (over-the-top P.C. adjective) player over the course of this past week.

Does this surprise anyone? Anyone at all?

Of course not. And this is why I HATE DALLAS.

I hate their fat fucking fans who know dick about football, and only concentrate their attention on barbecue sauce, high school football, oil, 50 gallon hats, six shooters, troy Aikman's brain damage, the lines shaved into Michael Irvin's head 15 years after it was cool, and hick accents.

You think that was a stereotypical rant? Well I don't give a shit. I can do the same thing about New York fans. But we're talking about Dallas here, so let me continue...

I would also like Jerry Jones to die in his sleep over the weekend. Not because he's the owner/GM/President/ball-boy/bathroom fluffer/punter of his own team - I think monopolies and dictatorships are fucking balls - but because he loves to sign "bad-boys" and shake things up. I don't know where this comes from, maybe Jones got fucking plowed by some cool stud in college who smoked cigarettes and drove a 'Vet, but his obsession with said types is borderline creepy.

For Example...

Deion Sanders - Those two words make me want to stick my dick in an apple slicer. I hate this man more than that four-eyed fuck running North Korea. But Jones wanted him, and Jones got him, and Deion helped The 'Boys win a Super Bowl. Case in point - Jones loves douchebags.

Erik Williams - Drafted him and his checkered past in 1991. Williams proceeded to come to Dallas, play at a Pro Bowl level, and rape every thing that had a pocket within restraining distance. Then he set up a whore house next to the Cowboys training facility (not a joke) so him and his bros could go there between scrape-blocking drills and twist out some slutty Dallas tail. This is the kind of guy you want repping your Charity Fund.

Michael Irvin - Might hate him more than Deion, it's a close race. Where do I start with Irvin? His multiple drug arrests? His penchant for shaving gay lines into his head? His ridiculous defense of players who get into trouble (like himself) with zero weight to any of his arguments? The day ESPN canned him was like the first time I got laid.

Terrell Owens - This closet queen is probably the most hateable of the bunch. He's a crybaby bitch who, at first, makes every team he goes to better - for about fourteen weeks of the season, give or take - and then completely rips them apart with his ego-centric fuckface media rants. I hope he's hit by a fat Texan who's drunk driving his Cadillac that's equipped with Steer Horns drilled into the hood.

Zach Thomas - My token white guy. I don't think he's such a "bad boy", but he's a squatty fuck who's punked the Jets for years, so I hope he tears his ACL early in camp and saves the rest of the viewing public from having to hear every commentator across the country trying to be first in line to suck him off after he starts dominating again.

Pac Man should be left right where he is: Sitting late-night at McDonald's, drunk, trying to score a BJ off a coked up stripper who's housing a McChicken and fries.


Douglas said...

Dont forget Tank Johnson...note to those innocent samaritans living in Dallas, STAY AWAY FROM THE STRIP CLUBS, or you will be shot by an overpaid, underachieving Dallas Cowboy. Any word on how contract talks are going with Mike Vick?

Doc Holliday said...

GREAT CALL! Totally let that one slip by.

Nothing like a guy on your team being monitored by the ATF, like he's a fucking terrorist...