Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I'll Bracket Bust on Your Face
I fucking loathe this time of year.
Stop sending me requests to fill out brackets. Just. Stop. I don't want any part of it. I don't find it fun whatsoever. Watching a dead body decompose on a river bed is more fun for me. College Basketball is as appealing as Ellen DeGeneres wearing a strap on. So stop sending me these fucking things, because you're wasting your time.
If you're one of the 9 people who read this blog that doesn't have the same last name as me, here are some things to remember when pondering the thought of ANYONE not wanting to participate in a March Madness pool.
- I hate people who talk about how well they're doing in their respective pool. Oh, you picked George Mason to upset Kentucky and it actually happened? Holy shit! You must be the only person in the whole country that went against who a handful of fat fuck columnists told you to pick. Go die.
- I hate when girls brag about "winning it all, and knowing nothing about sports!" Well here's a tip sweetheart - the guy running the office pool, the one with the receding hairline and foggy glasses? He's been tipping the points in your favor because he goes home at night and masturbates in the bathroom to a picture of you while his wife is knocked out on Ambien because she's sexually frustrated with his lack of passion. So you're ruining a marriage by entering the pool. Great job, you slut.
- People that refer to this as "their favorite time of the year for sports". Really? Are you fucking serious? Is the Kentucky Derby a close second?
- I hate when non-caring people suddenly act like every fucking game is going to make or break their financial status for the year. Hey pussy-who-has-never-stepped-foot-on-a-basketball/baseball/football-surface-in-your-life - Shut the fuck up! You put $20 into a pool that's run by the bosses secretary. You didn't just lose all your money to a mobster playing Canasta. Get over yourself and go home and take some more bowl hits with your other loser friends.
- And that's another thing - when people say, "C'mon, it's only $20, what are you cheap?(insert bigot remark here)"
No fucker, I'm not. But here's the point: I don't even want to fill the thing out for kicks. I don't even want someone else to fill it out for me. I hate it that much. I don't care who upsets who, or who did what to win whatever game. A tight scoring match with a powerhouse pitted against an underdog evokes ZERO emotion in me. I'm the guy at the bar watching the one TV tuned into "Perfect Strangers".
Even though basketball has no place in this blog, I just felt that this needed to be said. So you can keep your photocopied piece of paper, and leave me the fuck alone.