Monday, March 3, 2008

Monday Morning Blasphemy


I can't say I'm happy to be up this morning. I still have that fizzy feeling on my brain after drinking 63 beers on Saturday and blacking out as some random Irish guy sang "Wonderwall" in some random backyard. Nothing makes you feel better than forgetting 36 hours from your weekend(actually I feel the exact opposite).

But there has been a lot of movement in sports. Especially since free agency started last week in the NFL. I'd like to discuss The Patriots right now, and how they've been thouroughly fucked by teams unwilling to adhere to the reigning AFC Champions cheap and (specific ethnicity)-esque ways, but I thought I'd start off with my top three most retarded moves thus far instead, because the Patriots deserve their own post.

1. Jerry Porter - WR
Jacksonville Jaguars - 5 Years, $30 Million

What should a team do that doesn't have one ounce of talent at WR? They go and sign Jerry Porter, a team cancer who is one of the top five most selfish assholes in the game today. If you're singled out as a prick while playing for the Raiders, then God only knows how much you really suck at life. And here's another fun fact, Jacksonville traded a 6th round pick for Minnesota's Troy Williamson...That's funny, I wouldn't trade my 6th round pick in my fantasy baseball draft to have Troy Williamson play for my intramural team (not on one). My Aunt - who's 65 - has better hands and a better upside than him.

2. Madieu Williams - FS
Minnesota Vikings - 6 Years, $33 Million


You never heard of Williams? That's extremely plausible, especially if you are not a Bengals fan, or you didn't go to "Date Rape" University of Maryland. But $33 mil for a safety? I'm sorry, all this is doing inflating the market. I'll bet that Williams - fuck that, any safety - will never do anything to make this contract seem like a good value. Unless he drills every soul on the cheerleading squad and cures cancer, Williams will be a bust in my mind.

3. Bernard Berrian - WR
Minnesota Vikings - 6 Years, $42 Million


A deep threat who has bad hands an injury riddled track record? Is his name Troy Wiliamson? Oh, not Troy? Then you must mean Bernard Berrian. He's a brittle douche who will crumble the hearts of Viking fans for years to come.


And this is only after three full days of wheeling and dealing, who knows what else we're in store for...

Some other thoughts I had this morning...

- Good to see nobody cares about who was named on the Mitchell Report, as long as their last name doesn't end in 'emens' or 'onds'. Hey Juan Gonzalez is back - weird - I though he retired 4 years ago after his hip exploded. Oh, and he's hitting home runs off of Johan Santana. Oh, and he hasn't taken a swing since 2005. Just your typical comeback story.

- I hope Zach Thomas shreds his knee during the Cowboys first mini-camp this year. I don't care if he's undersized, or that he's such a feel good story because nobody believed in him. He signed with Dallas, he should be sent straight to fucking hell when he dies.

- How can the Patriots spit in Randy Moss's face? He took their offense from great to legendary. True, he dissapeared in the playoffs, but without Moss, they do not go undefeated in the 2007 regular season. If I was that idiot Robert Kraft, I would hand Randy a blank check and give him a fat, white bread fucking smile and say, "go nuts, pal."

- Does anyone else think about strangling panhandlers who sing on the subway? No? Cool, me either.

- I wish Hank Streinbrenner would be a man and send Kei Igawa back on the same fucking boat he sailed in on. And while he's at it, shove those geeky fucking glasses right up Igawa's ass.

- Men who sit in the middle seat of a train/bus/rollercoaster when the other two seats are occupied by people they do not know should be punched right in the cock. Be a fucking man and stand up. Don't slink your faggity body into the seat and try and act smooth. I am judging you, and I am calling you a "bitch" in my head, so your paranoia is not far-fetched.

- Clay Bucholz got shelled in his first start of Spring Training. If this was my fantasy world, Clay would be getting cut today and tomorrow he would be selling flowers on the side of 1-95.

- If I see another person wearing a "I'm not Irish, but Kiss me Anyway" or a "Irish Drinking Team" shirt on St. Patrick's Day, I'm going to snap. You are not on the fucking Irish drinking team. You put wax in your hair and you wear sneakers that look like fucking bowling shoes. And you have orange skin, and it's fucking creepy.

- Wait for Semi-Pro to come out on DVD. Not worth the $57 to go see it in the movies...

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