Monday, March 24, 2008

Monday Morning Rant


Here are some thoughts for this Monday Morning. I don't know about you, but I'm fucking psyched for tomorrow's game. Seriously, it could be Kansas City vs. Tampa Bay, I wouldn't care. Anything that takes two minutes away from March Madness and the NBA makes me happy. If the last month is what hell will be like - well - I'm not looking forward to it anymore.

- Kerry Wood is the new Cubs closer. How long until he blows out his elbow? I say the over/under should be May. By May, he'll be back on the DL, and all those overweight people from Chicago will blame their misfortune on a "curse" instead of conceding that maybe management should have not pitched Wood 733 innings his rookie year. Maybe that might have helped, but I'm not too sure.

- Hey, Scott Rolen is hurt again - didn't see that one coming.

- Curtis Granderson is hurt too. So this is the perfect time for me to give you my take on Detroit's chances this year. They're going to be like the 2004 Yankees - an offense that makes opposing pitchers shit their fucking pants, but a pitching staff that couldn't lead a corporate softball team to a league title. Besides Verlander, there are way too many question marks - Bonderman's perennial second half collapse, Nate Robertson's perennial one month of great pitching, five months of mediocre to bad pitching, Kenny Rogers inevitable hick meltdown/cheating scandal, and Dontrelle Willis sucking cock in the AL. What makes matters worse is their bullpen is shit too. Half of it is on the DL, and the other half is a fat white loser who is not making it through May as the closer. Have fun losing in the first round of the playoffs.

- Jets signed Bubba Franks last week. I didn't post about it, because I was too busy burning all of my Jets paraphernalia, and I was too busy tracking down Mike Tannebaum's home address so I could sucker punch him while he's walking to his car in the morning.

- Erik Bedard's spring ERA is above 9.00. Great. So glad I picked him to anchor my fantasy staff.

- I get giddy when I think about this but, who else is fucking ecstatic that Kyle Lohse had to settle for a 1 year deal with the Cardinals? I only feel this way because he is repped by the fucking Josef Stalin of MLB agents, Scott Boras. I'm sick of these mediocre piles of shit getting multi-year deals from brain dead GM's looking for a quick fix - ie: Carlos Silva. Lohse blows. He was looking for a 5 year deal at the beginning of free agency, and now he's stuck in Philly with ravenous fans and a closer that's still shell shocked from the ass rape he received three years ago. See Kyle? That's what you get by listening to that immortal douchebag of an agent.

- Floyd Mayweather's participating in the WWE...boxing has officially made the incision in it's femoral artery.

- Miguel Cabrera signed an eight year, $153 million extension. He's 24 years old. Man do I wish I had taken steroids in high school to play baseball...

- Sean Casey hurt his neck riding the plane to Japan last week. Wonder if that had anything to do with his nickname being, "The Mayor", or his penchant for giving hummers to David Ortiz in the plane's bathroom.

- Opening Day for Major League Baseball is tomorrow. Can't wait to watch a game with no cheering and a bunch of fans that have less animation than the crowd in MVP Baseball 2005 on Playstation 2. Seriously, why are Japanese people so reserved? Does it only seem that way because Americans are loud, obnoxious drunken maniacs? How many times will a Japanese woman be offended by a smashed Sox fan running around the Tokoyo Dome with his shirt off, pissing his pants and screaming "Fuck the Yankees!"

1 comment:

Joan Of said...

"Jets signed Bubba Franks last week. I didn't post about it, because I was too busy burning all of my Jets paraphernalia" = PURE GOLD