Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Reversal - MLB in Hollywood

In light of Billy Crystal's recent stint with the Yankees, I think this type of deal (rich actor pays tons of money to pretend he is not over the hill and/or a pansy) should be reciprocated by Hollywood big wigs. Let's put MLB managers into movies.

Joe Girardi - Patton

"Men, this stuff that some sources (The AP, you fat hateful cocks) sling around about The Yankees wanting out of this war, not wanting to fight, is a crock of bullshit. Yankees love to fight, traditionally. All real Yankees - yes, even you Alex - love the sting and clash of battle...Yankees play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Yankees have never lost nor will ever lose a war - not counting for '04 and '07; for the very idea of losing is hateful to a Yankee.
...My men don't grow facial hair. I don't want them to. Beards, Goats, Mustaches, they only cloud up our handsomeness. Keep shaving. And don't give the enemy time to copy us, either. We'll win this war, but we'll win it only by shaving and by showing the Red Sox that we've gotten more goddamn hot-box than they have; or ever will have. We're not going to just fuck more groupies than those sons-of-bitches, we're going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the spikes of our cleats.
...I believe in the old and sound rule that an ounce of sweat will save a gallon of blood. The harder WE push, the more Red Sox we will kill. The more Red Sox we kill, the more sluts their are for us to nail."

Willie Randolph, Omar Minaya, Mr. Met - Boyz n’ the Hood

Willie Dolphboy: Yeah, I heard you been gettin' that dope-head pussy. See, me, I probably get more pussy than you get air with yo' wannabe macdaddy ass.

Da Met: You don't know what I be getting. I don't be fucking no dopeheads. I let them suck my dick. Shit, they got AIDS and shit.

Minayaster: Stupid motherfucker, don't you know you can catch that shit from letting them suck on your dick?

Willie Dolphboy: Thank you.

Da Met: See. I ain't sick. I ain't all skinny and shit.

Minayster: Nigga, what you mean you ain't skinny. Motherfucker so skinny he can hula hoop through a Cheerio. Nigga, you ain't got to be skinny. You can die from that shit years from now.

Da Met: Y'all just trying to scare me. For real, you can die from letting them suck on your dick?

Willie Dolphboy: Mark.

Ozzie Guillen - Scarface

"Is this it? That's what it's all about, Thome? Eating, drinking, fucking, sucking? Snorting? Then what? You're 50. You got a bag for a belly. You got tits, you need a bra. They got hair on them. You got a liver, they got spots on it, and you're eating this fuckin' shit, looking like these rich fucking mummies (Kenny Williams) in here... Look at this right here, look at Paul Konerko. He’s a junkie. I got a fuckin' junkie for a first baseman. He don't eat nothing. Sleeps all day with them black shades on. Wakes up with a Quaalude, and who won't fuck me 'cause he's in a coma. I can't even have a kid with him, Thome. His womb is so polluted, I can't even have a fuckin' little baby with him!"

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