Monday, March 31, 2008

Welcome Back

It's opening day - Welcome back baseball! Welcome back with a big fucking hug and a jolly, fat-guy smile.

And you made it back just in time, because if I have to watch another Sportscenter filled with fuckface commentators arguing over College Basketball and whether or not Lebron is better than Michael Jordan, I'm going to jump off the Tappan Zee Bridge.

So last week was technically the opening series for MLB, but it took place in Japan, and the games aired at 6am, so I'm going to pretend it didn't happen. And I guess last night could also be considered "Opening Night", because the Nationals took on the Braves in a game that counted towards the regular season, but it was only one game, so I don't know...

Let's just pretend all those revenue boosting, corporate cock-sucking events never happened, and today is the first time we're going to see real baseball games, and not games where the centerfielder's jersey number is 78, and the opposing team plays it's regular season games with Fungo bats.

Some predictions for 2008:

Will the Cubs finally end their misery? Do you really want to root for them? Absolutely not. Didn't we learn our lesson when one other franchise broke a 90 year old "curse"? The American media unleashed a swarm of racist fucks from New Hampshire who speak like stroke victims and lack good hygiene. I say let sleeping dogs lie, and let's hope the Cubs stay perennial losers, or else we might be overrun by a bunch of fat Mid-Westerners who call sneakers "tennis shoes" and have a dialect that sounds like someone shoved a flute up their asses.

How many more commentators will jump on the Red Sox Will Repeat wagon? And how many of them will end up looking like assholes after the Sox stumble out of the gate and all these "experts" flee the scene like queens leaving a lesbian orgy?

Jose Reyes is not going to win the MVP...Yes, I said it. If anything, I'm going with David Wright. And hopefully during his acceptance speak he will come out of the closet and introduce his life partner, Mr. Mike Piazza (unwarranted low blow).

The Yankees will fall off the farm system wagon and start dealing prospects before the trading deadline. Let's face it, Mussina is touching 87 on his fastball, and when he's on the mound he has the attitude of a college girl getting back at her mother by blowing the whole Lacrosse team. It's not pretty. A few bad outings, and he's relegated to the bullpen. And since the brass has innings limits on all the young guys, they will need pitching.

The Pirates will continue their streak and will not flirt with a .500 winning percentage. Jason Bay will be hit in the face by a Molotov cocktail while picking daisies in feft field. Nobody cares.

The Mets will compliment Fernando Tatis by signing another aging vet to play 4 games and then go on the DL. I'm rooting for Greg Vaughn to announce his comeback so he can be that guy.

The Indians will finally realize that all those games their losing with Joe Borowski and his 7.84 ERA could be saved by one of their stud Hispanic/Japanese relievers, who's ERA's are all sub 3.00. But this is rocket science, right? Or am I simplifying something that has been over-analyzed and over-thought for the past few years? Fucking idiots.

The Red Sox will not repeat. Curt Schilling dies in a knife fight against a gay, black, pro-abortion liberal. His blog also dies in the same knife fight.

Carlos Silva disappears after losing his first 15 starts for Seattle. He is replaced in the rotation by an autistic fan who ends up winning 12 games. Silva is never heard from again.

My division breakdown - LAA wins the West, Indians win the Central (Gasp! Over the vaunted Tigers? Yes, you fucking dickrider, the Tigers have no bullpen) and the Yankees win the East. Red Sox win the wildcard (I know, they will probably win the division, but what kind of homer would I be if I picked them?). The Mets win the East, the Brewers win the Central, the Dodgers win the West and the Diamondbacks win the Wildcard.

CLE over BOS, NYY over LAA. CLE over NYY.

NYM over ARI, LAD over MIL. NYM over LAD (Torre cries anyway).

NYM over CLE.

Oh my God, did I just pick the Mets to win it all? Yes, douchebags, I did. Now go buttfuck your life-sized Carlos Delgado blow up.


Dan said...

Let's just pretend for two seconds that Wright is indeed, a gay.

And since we're pretending, let's also say Mike Piazza is also, a gay.

If this is the case and the two of them have formed some sort of magical Met love bond, I'm ok with this. I'm actually really happy about it. As long as it does not lead to any anal fissures being contracted and David Wright having to go on the DL (I'm not sure what to knock on in this case? latex? rubber?) then that is OK.

We love you Mikey - now go over to Texas and stab Clemens with the shard of a bat he threw at you. I think it's only expected at this point.

Doc Holliday said...

Yea, I think we'd all like to see Clemens impaled by something - bat, knife, dick - just as long as he suffers for not learning how to shut his mouth and not dye his hair blonde...

Joan Of said...

Piazza is much more likely to use that bat shard and stick it up David Wright's ass so he can have both holes occupied during the Eiffel Tower he and Mr. Met are going to perform on Mikey.