Monday, March 10, 2008

Worst of the Worst Part II - The Position Players

We've seen my top 5 awful contracts for pitchers over the past decade, so now it's time to look at the position players. I think it's easier to eat a bad contract for a position player, only because some team will find some type of value in him. If a pitcher goes sour, or completely off the fucking reservation, they're avoided at lengthier distances than a naked Tom Cruise skipping through a men's locker room.

So here are my top five - feel free to disagree in the comments section.

1. Joey "Albert" Belle
1999, Baltimore Orioles - 5 Years, $65 Million

I'm actually happy the O's made it on the list with Belle's deal, only because Belle was painfully close to signing with the Yankees. But let's not dwell on that, because I can't imagine this absolute lunatic ravaging New York City. To start, Belle did have two solid season with the O's, driving in over 100 runs both years and hitting .291 in '99, and .281 in '00. But, things changed drastically after the his second season. Following a September '00 injury, he was told by doctors that he could not play baseball anymore. A guy who hits 23 HR's one season, and then is told he can't play anymore must have a serious problem, right? Well, yes. His hip degenerated into scar tissue and pure terror. Isn't that supposed to happen to geriatrics when they hit their "I can't drive anymore, but fuck it, I'm old and I'm gonna' die soon," days? And to drive it home (no pun intended - wucka wucka), this condition also happens to people with prolonged use of steroids. Dun, Dun, Daaaahhh!

2. Jason Kendall
2002, Pittsburgh Pirates - 6 Years, $60 Million

The Pirates - at the time Kendall was given this retarded contract - had not finished above .500 in 10 seasons. 10 SEASONS! Even the Royals had managed to hit that lofty 82 win plateau during that span. Am I the only one who thinks this contract should've raised some serious red flags? Maybe management should've signed some pitching to compete with perennial All-Star's like Kip "I Like to Lose in the Double-digits" Wells, and Kris "My Wife Makes Me Watch Her Blow the Gardener" Benson. Fuck it, why not sign a new tailor to make uniforms that have sleeves attached to the fucking arms. Sign a hit man to murder that geek Brian Giles. Bottom line, there are a lot better ways the Bucs could've spent that money. Maybe take the team to Hershey Park or something - maybe that would motivate them to stop being worthless.

3. J.D. Drew
2007, Boston Red Sox - 5 Years, $70 Million

I don't care if Drew goes on to launch a homemade space shuttle into orbit - he's still an underachiever, and this deal still sucks cock. Drew, known for his lack of hustle, should never have gotten this contract to begin with. I'm surprised that Theo even fell for the notion that Drew still has some untapped potential buried beneath his lack of commitment and hatred for anything besides hunting knives. C'mon, Theo, get your fucking head out of David Ortiz's fat Dominican ass and think. And don't give me that shit that Drew's grand slam in the postseason makes up for the awful contract. Because if that's the case, then doesn't Fernando Tatis deserve $140 Million and a fucking kilo of uncut Colombian heroin now?

4. Gary Mathews Jr.
2007, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - 5 Years, $50 Million

Again, the career-year/contract-year shit comes into play once again. Mathews, a lifetime .258 hitter up until '06, with statistical highs across the board that year, cashes in on another moron GM looking to make a splash. Well, here's how good Gary is - the Angels signed Torri Hunter to play center this year. Wow - if that's not fucking moronic, then I don't know what is. Not to mention the fact that the Angles currently have Vlad Guerrero, Old Man Garrett Anderson, Reggie "I'm Not Black - I'm White" Willits, and Juan Rivera, vying for playing time in the outfield...This situation should make everyone happy.

5A. Mo Vaughn
1999, Anaheim Angels - 6 Years, $88 Million

The Mo Vaughn story is run into the dirt already, but here's a rehash. Vaughn signs a monster contract with the Angels, plays well in his first two years, and then misses the entire 2001 season due to injury. The Mets deal for him, then proceed to watch him eat children in the parking lot and burn stacks of money in the clubhouse to cook his Jimmy Dean frozen egg and sausage sandwiches. Hilarity ensues, the Mets cash in on their insurance policy, and everyone in Queens pretends this little incident never happened. Vaughn is now building tenements in Brooklyn with the money the Mets gave him...seriously.

5B. Jason Giambi
2002, New York Yankees - 7 Years $120 Million

Writing that number hurts, it really does. If only Giambi did what he did in 2002 every year for the Yankees, then all of this bullshit he's pulled since then would be forgettable. Steroids? Here have some more, just as long as you drive in 110 runs and cut your greasy fucking hair. And stop losing weight - you're starting to look like a freshly released POW returning home from Cambodia.

1 comment:

Dan said...

best post yet.

it's amazing.

well done.