Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Creepy Comparison #21: Assortment

This creepy comparison contains a greasy mixture of former NY sports figures. These athletes, or lack there of, have caused great stirring emotions in my twisted head since childhood. It is an assortment of weirdos and creeps. Where shall we begin?!

Keith Hernandez is one of my favorite athletes of all time. Although I was merely 5 years old in 1986 when the Mets won the World Series, I distinctively remember Keith and his mustache. Mustaches are often a sign of concern, as it is commonly believed that one should never trust a man with a mustache. But Keith was the exception. He was a stellar baseball player, and despite his coincidental facial features with Joseph Stalin, I would trust him more than any other communist leader at bat with a full count, 2 outs, and the bases juiced.

"With the 4th overall pick in the 2003 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select Dewayne 'Fathead' Robertson"
Fewer moments in my life caught me by such surprise as the first time I layed eyes on the size of Fathead's noggin. The man's head can barely fit inside a football helmet and resembles that of a meatball. His giant meatball-like head was a giant dissapointment on the field for the NY Jets and their fans. Fortunately, the NY Jets have traded Fathead to Denver for a conditional 2009 draft pick. Rumor has it that the condition is 'if the man's head doesn't explode and beef tomato sauce does not pour out, then the Jets obtain a 4th round pick'.

Throughout the years, Carlos Baerga was actually a decent professional baseball player. He had a number of good years with the Cleveland Indians before getting traded to the New York Mets. So why the post? Why the hate? Few remember that Carlos 'the Prancer' Baerga was traded to the Mets with 76 year old Alvaro Espinoza for Jeff Kent and Jose Viscaino. Jeff Kent went on the win MVP awards with the San Francisco Giants while Jose Viscaino had an integral part in beating the Mets when he was on the Yankees during the 2000 World Series. The next season Alvaro quit baseball and opened a CarpetWorld. The skills that the Mets thought would be worthy of a traded MVP in Kent now sells carpet to middle class suburbanites. Good call on that one. And why do I call him, 'The Prancer'? Because Carlos, who has a healthy grin similar to that of Cheech Marin, ran like a little fat weirdo. Once he made contact with the ball, the fattest, weirdest, creepiest run to first base would ensue. I call it 'prancing' because it does not quite resemble running. I did once hear it called a fat sideways jiggle, but prancing gets the nod.

1 comment:

King Dong said...

Baerga looks like a Mexican gay porn star.