Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Draft Coma


I haven't thrown up a post about the NFL draft yet because I've been busy lying in the fetal position near the Two Boots Pizza stand in Grand Central Station since Saturday. But I'm feeling morbidly negative about the Yankees playoff chances this year after Purple Lips and Jorgie landed on the DL, so I think I'll spend some time with my other half, the Jets. But it's going to be tough, because every time I mentally relive Saturday, I want to walk outside and attack an overweight tourist from Arkansas taking 87 pictures of where the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree would be if it wasn't fucking April (Me = hates touring retards).

Before I start, does anyone else find it super-ironic that the draft is held in Radio City Music Hall? I mean, the place is usually crammed wall-to-wall with fancy gentlemen who meticulously groom themselves and spend Sunday afternoons in the winter thumbing through lifestyle magazines, but on this day it's filled with borderline retarded guys who fart while they eat and wear sweat pants to family functions. I don't know, maybe I'm over thinking this a bit, or maybe it's because I just ripped one while I was finishing off my sandwich...

Anyway, here's what really pissed me off about the draft. Al Davis. Al Fucking Davis. I hate this old brittle vampire more than Hitler. At least Hitler did everyone a favor and blew his brains out when he realized he was fighting a losing war. But no, not Al. He's the only reason Darren McFadden isn't wearing green and white right now. I'm not kidding when I say it makes me want to shove a stapler down my throat and puke.

Everyone knows Davis has been losing it over the past few years, but what drives me crazy is Davis probably woke up from a doctor induced coma on Saturday, changed his shit filled diaper, throw on his faggy white jump suit and old librarian glasses, and head down to Oakland's War Room to push the brass around and force them to take another running back. Meanwhile, they already have 4 on the roster. But I'm just bitter, and I can't really blame him for taking a game breaker like McFadden, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to pick his frail body up over my head and toss him down a flight of cement stairs. Man, that would be fucking fun...

So the Jets are stuck with Vernon Gholsten, a guy known for taking plays off. Gee, who does that sound like? John Abraham? Good scouting, cocksuckers. The only satisfaction I will get out of watching Gholsten have an unsuccessful career in the Meadowlands is knowing that I predicted it, because I'm a self-absorbed asshole.

To make matters worse, the Jets traded up to get Dustin Keller, a smallish Tight End from Purdue (Home of Drew Brees and Mike Alstott!) who has good hands but can't block. Hmm, a tight end with hands who can't block? Don't the Jets already have Chris Baker, probably the most underrated TE in the AFC? Drafting Keller probably won't piss Baker off at all. Maybe Mike Tannenbaum should've driven to Baker's house and burned a cross on his front lawn to show his support instead. Good job guys, again, great ideas, input and drafting.

Next up the Jets addressed what they should have addressed with some of their off season money - the secondary. I don't know a lot about CB Dwight Lowery, but from what I've read, he's an average sized CB who is slow, but is also a ball hawk. Slowness usually translates as well into NFL defensive backfields as "I want to drill you behind the Laundromat" does from English to Russian.

Erik Ainge is a fucking wigger. Another wasted pick.

Marcus Henry is the WR the Jets took in the 6th round. I don't know much about this guy, but I do know that most receivers taken after the 4th round don't do dick, so I'm not putting much stock into this guy turning into the next Marcus Colsten, or even the next Wayner Chrebet.

And the last pick was some fat fucking tackle that nobody cares about and probably won't make it through training camp. I'm being negative because I'm being realistic, so shut the fuck up.

There you go, the Gang Green class of '08. I don't think I can sum it up better than it was a real blue balls session. Every scout and their mom had McFadden going to the Jets. Even the New York Post and all their journalistic integrity (none) profiled him in anticipation that they would have a chance to suck him off soon. Didn't happen. And now Jet fans are stuck with another underachieving defensive lineman who will probably end up being benched behind some New England castoff Mangini starts for no other reason than he once played in Foxboro.

Come to think of it, the Yankees chances are looking mighty good to me right now.

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