Monday, April 7, 2008

ESPN = Die


I've officially turned on the world wide leader in sports, and this time it's permanent.

Yeah, I'll still check out the site every once in a while, but I plan on holding a grudge like a step-child meeting the new guy nailing his momma, and I will never advocate one of their breaking news reports again (winter meetings reports = hurtful lies). You're fucking dead to me, ESPN.

I know this might be a touchy subject, because someone on this site receives his paychecks from that Nazi Walt Disney and his bloodsucking Himmler counterpart, ESPN, but I don't give a fuck. I'm pissed.

The hatred started with the way I was bent me over by this whole 'Insider' nonsense. To start off, 'Insider' is a fucking crock. It's the complete rape and pillage of their own fan base. Want to read something written by a respectable columnist such as Buster Olney? Nope, suck a dick none-paying-visitor, you need to pony up some cash. Here, why don't you read something detailing the World Championship of Pillow Fighting and count the number of brain cells you hear disintegrating, retard. Would you like to see a mock draft by Mel Kiper, and get a glance at his beautiful black mane of man-hair? I'm sorry, dickhead, not happening. Go read a suddenly dated and unfunny Bill Simmons' article about how good he thinks he is at poker or how good he is at not picking the correct team to bet on during football season.

And here are a few other things that annoy me...

Stuart Scott

Your eye? The fucking creepy one? That's what you get for being a self-absorbed prick who won't give up his past glories. You're like a high school hero who can't live down the six interceptions he had his JV year(me). Start acting like a middle-aged man and not an unfunny comedian who references shit that wasn't really funny twelve years ago. And by the way, your page in the Magazine - the one where you constantly defend black athletes who commit inexcusable crimes - it makes you look like a fucking asshole.

ESPN 2

Who the fuck wants to watch amateur karate and drag racing? Who in their right mind would sit down and watch more than 1 minute of a pool game they are not participating in. If you're not drunk, or betting on a game of billiards, and you find yourself watching a full half-hour of a game, than I think you should off yourself immediately, because you're not doing society any favors by existing. And if you really insist on watching amateur karate, than drag your fat ass off the couch and go down to the closest mini-mall. There's a spot next to the local child molester on the school's plate-glass window, feel free to peer in and watch with him.

The ESPY's

Why don't you just call it, "The Mainstream Athletes Un-Hip Corporate Sponsors Will Recognize When We Hand Them a Stupid Trophy". You ignore anyone who isn't relevant to pop-sports. You should just replace this with a three hour video of Tom Brady and LeBron James giving each other reach-arounds.

ESPN Classic

You would think by now ESPN would get the hint and start showing old games that people care about. Nope, not even close. They will continue to show crap because it doesn't cost them anything. The channel is a cash cow. There is zero production cost to hire a widower to sit in an empty room and pop Beta tapes into a shitty old VCR and hit 'play'. Fuck you ESPN for understanding capitalism.

Poker

You single-handedly ruined poker. RUINED IT. Whoever didn't jump on the Hold 'Em wagon after seeing Rounders(me) definitely jumped on it after you televised the World Series of Poker like it was the brainwashing video in A Clockwork Orange.

NFL Films on ESPN

First off, I have a bone to pick with Steve Sabol. How is it possible that this tan prick can decide who gets to see old broadcasts of NFL games? Isn't America anti-monopoly? This is fucking bullshit. And it's not like Sabol even sells his old footage to ESPN and lets them air the original game. No, we get an edited version with some bullshit voiceover that fucks up the whole game. What's the point of condensing a great game into two minutes of footage? What are you doing with the rest of that video, Steve? Are you using it to apply moisturizer to your sunburned balls? Die. Yes, I understand there are probably legal terms that prevent you from showing the original game with the original announcers, but so what, live a little, because you're going to die soon anyway.

So that's it for me. No more of this bullshit. If I want sports news, I'm going directly to the source, ie: MLB.com, NFL.com, etc,(lie). Unless of course, I'm given a free Insider account, and then we can be friends again.

Does anyone have a username/password I can use?

Me = Unappreciative asshole.

1 comment:

Ice said...

During last night's Cubs game, which Boomer was calling, Chris Berman proceded to call a fairly difficult half-diving/half sliding catch by an outfielder "Circuitous"... That's right, as in acrobat-like. I'll admit, I get a rise when Walt Frazier rips out "fortuitous" during a Knicks game (if nothing else than for the irony of this comment uttered at any point during a Knicks game), but Boomer's just gotta stop....