Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Jumping to Conclusions

So the first few days of the 2008 baseball season are out of the way, and as usual, a number of significant events/feats/injuries have happened already. And, because they are fucking morons, a lot of sportscasters and writers alike are assuming the worst for everyone. So here are a few examples of the opinions I've heard over the last few days(don't quote me, but I did hear each one of these stated, in so many words).

- Pedro Martinez hurt his hamstring? Oh...shit...Without his 85 mph fastball and iron-man attitude, the Mets are finished. Might as well pencil them in for last place in the NL East. What? You're trying to tell me that even though they lost Pedro they'll be okay beacuse they have three of the best hitters in baseball in Reyes, Beltran and Wright? And they have Johan Santana? So what? Didn't you fucking hear what I fucking said? They lost Pedro! THEY LOST PEDRO! We're all going to fucking die! Who will I willingly fellate now that Pedro is hurt??

- Rich Harden is going to start 33 games and win 23. I'm sure of it. No really, he is. Injuries? Nope, he's past them. Harden's due for a Cy Young season. Did you see his one start against Boston last week? No? You say you were sleeping because the game was on at 6 in the fucking morning? Oh, like most of America, right (me = obviously still bitter about this opening day a week early bullshit)...Well he struck out nine Sox - yeah, nine. And he ravaged four Japanese Anime characters during the 7th inning stretch. And he ended jihad. So anyway, I'm going to go out back and inhale some more dust-off.

- If you're into fantasy baseball, make sure you pick up Xavier Nady, Nate McLouth, Frankie Gutierrez and Emil Brown. You should definitely overreact 2+ games into the season. Hopefully you'll drop someone that I can grab and then continually shove into your face until my team's untimely collapse just in time for the playoffs and I then blame the commisioner for cheating and bitch and moan until people stop returning my text messages and tell me to 'grow up'...fuckin cheating bastard.

- Don't get caught up in the hype - this is the year that Mariano Rivera finally collapses. Trust me, I'm a fat fuck who lives above his mom's garage and plays Halo 3...I know for a fact that he's cooked. What's my proof? Well, he's old. And he's on the Yankees, and I hate the Yankees. Yes I know he was still good last year, but this is it for him. Same with Jeter, A-Rod, Pettite, Posada, Cano, Cabrera, Matsui, Hughes, Joba, Giambi, Duncan, Morgan Ensberg, Jeff Nelson, Jose Molina, Steve Balboni, Jesse Barfield, Roberto Kelly, Don Mattingly, Mickey Mantle...

- The White Sox are good! No really, they are. Jim Thome hit 2 HR's in 2 games! Isn't that the most awe-inspiring stat you've ever heard of? Ozzie Guillen got his mojo back. Isn't he so funny? Doesn't it make you sick that us writers are too pussy to say anything to him because we are scared white faggots and we are afraid we might insult him because he's a minority? Sighhhh...Yeah, we deserve to give advice instead of walking into oncoming freeway traffic and dying.

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