Friday, April 4, 2008

Kyle's Friday Night


5:45pm - Warms up for Tampa Bay game by choking out bullpen catcher with Neck Crank move he learned on

5:49pm - Answers NYPD's questions. Calls them "gays".

6:23pm - Listens to Megadeath's "Run to the Hills". Tuck boner into belt.

6:26pm - Listens to Pantera's "Mouth For War". Attacks Billy Traber with pitching machine. Bill Traber dies. Yankees replace him with Jose Mesa's southpaw twin brother, who's outside the stadium selling t-shirts. Jose Mesa is there too, but Yankees ignore his Spanglish pleas for a job.

6:49pm - Scales the wall of the bullpen to attack fan wearing Blues Traveler Concert Series 1998 t-shirt. Fan dies.

7:14pm- Listens to "Hells Bells" on loop. Ignores game.

9:35pm - Gets up to relieve Ian Kennedy. Throws four warm up pitches at 101 mph over recovered bullpen catcher's head. They slam through the padded wall. Tells coaches he's ready.

9:37pm - Walks Carl Crawford.

9:38pm - Hits Carlos Pena.

9:39pm - Walks BJ Upton.

9:40pm - Walks Cliff Floyd

9:41pm - Walks Willy Aybar

9:42pm - Leaves game, goes into clubhouse to watch "Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence". Revels at the grotesque size of Robert Z'Dar's chin.

10:34pm - Drinks 16 Keystone Light cans. Throws cans into Jose Molina's locker. Throws other cans at Morgan Ensberg's head.

10:54pm - Pisses in A-Rod's locker. Calls him a "queen". Pisses in shower.

11:18pm - Calls cab. Goes to bar on Lower East Side.

11:56pm - Starts bar fight. Smashs nerd with glasses in the face with beer bottle.

12:12am - Answers NYPD's questions. Calls them "faggots".

12:34am - Stumbles to another bar. Throws up in trash can on street corner.

12:45am - Bar owner invites Kyle to bartend. Kyle jumps over bar, begins drinking directly from tap. Bar owner intervenes, Kyle smashes bar owner over the head with a bottle of Tanqueray.

12:46am - Smashes college nerd in the face with wood plank ripped up from booth.

12:57am - Goes to jail.

1 comment:

AK-47 said...

That was fantastic. But I'm SURE there should be something involving his guns in there. Before the game, after the game, I know this guy has hunting rifles and I know he cant go more than 12 hours with out touching them.