Friday, April 11, 2008

On the Mound with Training Wheels


I've never been a fan of citing my sources. Professors in college found this quite annoying, and often times penalized me for it. I still refused to do it. What's the fucking point? We all know I didn't write the words, that's why they are in quotation marks, asshole-with-a-beard-who's-breath-smells-like-he-just-polished-off-a-dog-shit-sandwich. What difference does it make who originally wrote what I'm quoting anyway? Is my stupid Lit paper going into the Journal of Modern English? Are you going to go look each one of them up, nod your head in approval, and check it off in your douchey leather binder? No, it's going to get stuffed into said binder, dropped on the floor of your car, and then later on that night, you're going to puke on it after you drunk-drive your nerdy ass home from a jazz club.

The reason for the above rant is, the other morning I had ESPN on while I ate my burnt toast. Yes, I know, I said I want ESPN to die, but what am I going to watch in the morning - Regis? Good Morning America? Am I a 40 fat mom wearing sweatpants? No, I'm a man, goddamit! Anyway...I heard someone say something along the lines of, "Almost every starting pitcher in Major League Baseball today is a faggot". Maybe they didn't say, "faggot", per say, but deep down, that's what they wanted to say.

Well you know what guy-I-can't-source-because-I-had-my-back-turned-towards-the-TV-but-wouldn't-source-anyway-because-I-fucking-hate-sourcing? You are Fucking-A right about this. Every pitcher is in fact, a fag.

Durability? Gone. Toughness? Long gone. Want a guy to pitch through injuries? No shot, homeboy, he's gotta nurse that booboo on his elbow because his contract states that if he makes it all the way to October, he gets to plow the owner's Russian wife on top of the trainers table.

This is a problem. What happened to the old days when guys like Bob Gibson would pitch 37 complete games a year and kill anyone who tried to stop him? What happened to the old days for me (the 1980's) when pitchers would go more than 6 innings in a start? Didn't Dave Stewart once pitch with a bullet lodged in the back of his head? I'm sure he did. That shit doesn't happen anymore, and it really pisses me off. When are scouts and managers going to start rewarding the small handful of guys that can work through 8 innings without crying softly in the trainers room while he applies a cold-pack to their vagina?

Take Rich Harden for example. He's hurt again. And this is after he told his critics he would "show them all something" this year. Well, you did show them something, Rich, you showed them you're a little baby who can't push himself. You showed them that you're better off quitting now, retiring, and going back to Cali so you can smoke up your loser friennds and talk shit about how you were forced out of the game.

Let's all be honest here - it's not like pitchers are putting their lives on the line to go out there and take the mound. It's not like they're quarterbacks getting behind the center with a torn ACL and risking their head being smashed in by a 300 lb linebacker who hates white boys. They're just pitching. You have a blister? Man the fuck up. You're getting paid millions of dollars, will the blister really inhibit your pitching that much(I have no idea what it's like but it sounds too gay to be that hard to fight through)? If you say 'yes' then fall off a fire escape. You split a nail AJ Burnett and you can't pitch? What a cocksucking surprise. Get out there and throw underhand if you have to, or figure out a way to pitch around your 13 year-old girl injury. If I get a blister at work, my boss will tell me get over it or start sitting down when I go piss, plain and simple.

But this isn't going to end. There's no hope avoiding the imminent extinction of the tough starting pitcher in baseball. As long as they're being paid like movie-stars then there's no reason they're going to risk their neck to go out there and act like a man, instead of a preschooler with a skinned knee. People laugh at Livian Hernandez. I laugh at Livian Hernandez. But you know what? At least he goes out there and pounds the fuck away at the catchers glove. And he's 78 years old. The rest of them? Fucking crybabies.

1 comment:

AK-47 said...

I wish I was at work yesterday so I could have read this. It's everything I've wanted to say.