Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Softball Team

It's always funny when you look at an MLB player on TV, and after a few ponderous moments you ask yourself, "How the fuck is this guy considered an athlete? And if he's considered one, than why aren't I?"

Here are answers to both of the above questions:

Answer #1 - These fat disasters are athletes because of their intangibles, not their muscle tone. They might have a heart attack trying to run a couple wind sprints, but they can hit to the opposite field and/or drive a slider into the bleachers.

Answer #2 - You are not an athlete because you cannot hit a major league fastball. No, you can't. Seriously, you can't...get over it. And you work in an office. And you smoke Winston's occasionally at TGI Friday's after-work happy hours.

But it's still entertaining to make fun of the guys who definitely look more at home slamming down some Buds in their softball getup, rather than being interviewed by 74 reporters while they apply Gold Bond's (thank you, Dan) medicated powder to their chafed balls. So I decided to put together a team - and here it is.

Team Name: The Springfieldvillewood Spiders
Team Sponsor: Harris Fencing and Supply
Team Game Time and Location: 6:30pm Tuesdays and Thursdays on Field B.


Nick Johnson - IF
Johnson's the guy who is always more preoccupied with some stupid gadget he bought at Radio Shack than the game. His main goal is to hook up the best surround sound possible in the basement apartment he shares with his unemployed brother. He also seems to lose interest whenever a sweet muscle car cruises by the designated softball field.

Jim Thome - IF
Everyone loves Big T-Bone, and I mean everyone. The opposing players swoon when Thome shows up for a game. A beer seems to land in his hand the minute he finishes lacing up his cleats. Thome's all smiles, all day, 24/7. The wives of his teammates all dream about getting plowed by Big T-Bone on the hood of his '85 Camaro, with Guns 'N Roses providing the soundtrack. He's easily the most popular guy on the field at all times.

Rich Aurilia - IF
Aurilia is the hot head of the bunch. He's that douche-bag that argues with the volunteer umpires. Aurilia will fly off the handle if a batter decides to take a walk instead of swing away. He's been kicked out of more league games than anyone in the town's history. One time he broke a well-respected local deli owner's jaw with a telegraphed right hook because, according to the police report, the guy called him a "faggot". He's currently experiencing problems at home with his wife - who's cheating on him behind his back with T-Bone - and his 5 kids.

Jason Varitek - IF
V-Tek is the self-proclaimed captain of the team. He wears eye black, wristbands, an elbow guard (even though it's a slow pitch league), refuses to drink alcohol during game play, claps it up when a drunk player from the other team dusts himself off after a collision, and generally annoys everyone around him. He just got promoted to Manager at the local Home Depot and is currently engaged to his girlfriend of 7 years. They plan on having a small intimate ceremony next Spring.

Dennys Reyes - P
Reyes has been on the team as long as anyone can remember, mainly because he's worked at the Harris Fencing and Supply for close to ten years. He sweats more than anyone else on the team too. He generally keeps to himself, but is known for the deceptive spin he puts on his pitches, his cheerful ethnic laugh, and his nickname, "El Cantante Gordo ".

Matt Stairs - C
Stairs was once the best fielder on the team. People often compared his speed to Rickey Henderson's. But that all changed one day back in '02 at the construction yard, when a copper pipe broke loose and dropped directly onto his cock. Since then, Stairs has been unable to leg out a double, and he can barely make it to first base without limping on a single. So instead he swings for the fences every time, and often gets into shoving matches with V-Tek in the dugout or at the bar later on.

Troy Glaus - OF (Not Pictured)
Glaus is the "ladies man" on the team. He has a tribal band tattoo on his right arm and a knife with a snake wrapped around it on his calf. All he talks about is "getting pussy" and "hitting skins" and "crushing box", even though nobody has ever seen him with a member of the opposite sex. Most players on the team are convinced that Glaus is a repressed homosexual. He owns a boutique by the highway.

Tony Clark - OF (Not Pictured)
Clark's a cop one town over and he likes to show up with his gun still holstered. He also hands out PBA cards to all the fine ladies sitting in the stands. Clark drives a tinted out 1998 Infiniti with a subwoofer, and on game days he drives into the park blasting The Ruff Ryders "Bottom Down".

Lance Berkman - OF (Not Pictured)
"Killer B" is the best player on the team. He does everything - hit, field, throw - he even runs out choppers to the opposing shortstop. Berkman doesn't talk much - he lets his hitting do it for him. He keeps a secret stat book of his at-bats in his rear pocket and then goes home and plays MVP Baseball 2004 until he has to go to work as a high school gym coach in the morning.

David Wells - Bench (Not Pictured)
He works for the town sanitation department, coaches little league even though his kids are in their 20's, and usually has too much to drink during the games. He calls the cooler his "throne" and before the first pitch he's already sucked back around 5 beers. He chain smokes Marlboro Mediums and by the end of the game is so drunk he can barely stand. In most cases, V-Tek and Matt Stairs have to wrestle his car keys away from him, leaving Wells panting on the ground, covered in field dirt and old grass clippings.

Shelly Duncan - Bench (Not Pictured)
Duncan is Wells's right hand man on the bench. They rip into everyone, tell concerned family members to "fuck off", and sometimes even end up wrestling drunkenly in the middle of a game with each other - nobody tries to stop them. Duncan is more confrontational than Wells, and he drinks his face off early and usually waves off V-Tek if he's called into the game. Duncan is also known to throw empty beer cans at the Canadian Geese and sometimes even the immigrant day workers watching the games from behind the park fence. On more than one occasion he has scuffled with the Mexicans in the parking lot. He continues his drinking at the bar down the block and is usually escorted out by the bouncers. He owns and operates a contractual house painting company for a living.

David Eckstein - Bench (Not Pictured)
Eck's only on the team because he works with Varitek. He is always at the field first and he keeps the bases and bats in the back of his pick-up truck. Everyone else thinks he's a fucking nerd. He has a weird obsession with T-Bone. Eck's the guy who pays for the tab when the team goes out to toss a few cold ones back, regardless of the fact that he can barely afford to pay his rent or pay for his pet iguana's food. He is a virgin, not by choice.


Joan Of said...


Anonymous said...

You have Jason Varitek on that team? are you kidding me? Obviously you know nothing about the Sox Captain -

A few quotes from some spring training 2008 articles on the "fat disaster" as you call him:

"Varitek showed up in Fort Myers and outperformed everybody in the conditioning tests." (That's everybody including youngsters like Jacoby Ellsbury)

"He’s going to be 36 here pretty soon. He’s got the body of a 25-, 26-year-old. And I think he’s got the mind of a 56- or 66-year-old. That’s a pretty good combination," said bullpen coach and catching instructor Gary Tuck. "No. 1, he was blessed with a perfect catcher’s body to take a workload like that. No. 2, he’s got 9.7 percent body fat, which is unheard of for a catcher at any age."

He is also Nike's ad-campaign boy for their baseball gear this year....

Do your homework next time!

Anonymous said...

Here ya go...what anonymous said above:

Doc Holliday said...

Me = Hates the Red Sox, now what kind of Yankee fan would I be if I left out someone from the Sox?

And you have to admit, Varitek looks like a suburban slob, someone who gets leveled while painting his porch on the weekend.

Don't take it personally, I just want Varitek to fall down some stairs.

Dan said...

Wait, wait, wait....did you call it GOLDBAUMS?!?! First of all, AK - HOW DO YOU LET THIS GO BY WHEN YOU ARE A CONTRIBUTOR TO THIS BLOG?!!? Doc - have you had chafed balls? Have you ever finished up a nice hot shower and slapped some of the yellow bottle of goodness on your boys and just let them be free for a few minutes? Maybe once in a blue moon you break out the green bottle and give 'em a taste of the hard stuff. It's magnificent. You can't get the name wrong, it's Gold Bond. It should literally be a tatoo on every man's arm (excluding Ronnie Belliard - i hate that fat fuck). And you should say a quick little prayer each night to the gods at Chattem (the makers of such goodness) for their contribution to this world. Otherwise, fantastic.

Doc Holliday said...

Name of ball powder has been noted.

Dan said...

I can die a happy man.

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