Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Theo's Voicemail


"Shaughnessy? It's Epstein, Theo Epstein. You're my main dick-fluffer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people...

Some Worchester girls in the apartment uptown...uh...some homeless people from Dorchester...maybe 5 or 10...um...an NYU girl I met at Yankee Stadium. I left her and her Tino Martinez t-shirt jersey in a parking lot behind Stan's...
I killed Doug Mientkiewicz my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, for refusing to give up the World Series ball and I replaced him with a hobo I found sleeping under a bridge...

And some man...uh...I killed some old faggot with a dog last week. I think it might've been Jason Varitek's biker buddy, but I'm not too sure...

I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she was making fun of my glasses, and...uh...someone else there I can't remember maybe the bullpen catcher, but he's dead too...

And Doug Mirabelli. I killed Doug Mirabelli with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Medford. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it...uh...some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even...um...I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I...uh...I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll...uh...I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty...uh...I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, I may show up on Yawkey Way, so you know, keep your eyes open. Oh, and I might go kill Paps for making me look like an asshole, but I haven't decided on that one yet..."

1 comment:

AK-47 said...

I loved that movie. That was awesome.