Monday, April 14, 2008

They Call Me...

I'm infatuated by nicknames, both bad and good ones alike. Whenever I hear someone call someone else something other than their birth name, I immediately need to know why they are called said name. I can't fucking wait to hear the story, I piss my pants with anticipation. And nothing satisfies me more than hearing a good back story to a unique nickname.

But there's a flip side to it - isn't there always?

I hate the nicknames that have the first letter followed by the first three or four letters of a last name. A-Rod, K-Rod, fuck both of them. You've heard a million of them. I'm sure your stupid boss calls someone by one of these monikers, and if you're like me, you contemplate shitting on his desk and wiping your ass with his tie. And same goes for the reversal - like Dice-K. Learn to spell his fucking name and pronounce it you fat, lazy, ignorant writers/fans/fuckfaces.

Below are some of the ones I came across that forced to spend an hour googling them, trying to figure out where the fuck they came from.

Lance Berkman - "Big Puma"
I'm a huge fan of any nickname starting with "Big" - "Big Cheese", "Big Hurt", "Big Unit", they all work for me(Except Big Papi, because it sounds like a male hooker from the Dominican Republic). But Big Puma? Didn't they used to call Berkman "Fat Elvis"(seriously) and shower him with packets of Twinkie's when he played left field? I like that name better for him, because nothing makes me laugh harder than people who point out a stranger's weight problem and make fun of them until they either lose some weight or jump off a cliff (me = going to hell soon).

Doug Mientkiewicz – "Eye Chart"
This was pretty easy to figure out, albeit dumb. And I bet whoever thought of it was so proud and so happy and couldn't wait to starting calling D.M.(me = refuse to write name again). by this idiotic name. Probably that little bitch Doug Mirabelli. I'm so glad he got fired last week. I hope his wife cheats on him soon.

Mike Lieberthal - "Super Jew"
This one made me so excited when I saw it, I'm just hoping he didn't nickname himself. I wonder who thought of this one - maybe Pete Incaviglia? He looks like the kind of closet bigot who probably criticized Lieberthal every time he left a waitress a short tip. Amazing.

Nomar Garciaparra - "Spiderman"
Na-ah, not going to work for me. Don't care about the background either. I think it should be "Mean-Spirited Prick Who Gets Strap-On Fucked by his Transvestite Wife". Any questions? No? Good.

Vladimir Guerrero - "Vlad the Impaler"
I only like this one because Guerrero doesn't speak a word of English, and I can almost guarentee he has zero idea who Vlad the Impaler really was, because if he did, he would change it. I know if I were named after a bisexual psycho who routinely inserted sharp objects into young boys and girls, raping them, sodomizing them and then killing them, I would probably be against keeping the nickname. But, hey, fuck Vlad, that's what he gets for refusing to learn to speak English. Maybe everyone should start calling him "Super Gay Man". Maybe that would change his mind about learning to speak the langauge of the man who signs his paycheck.

Placido Polanco - "Polly"
This is one of those Hoffman, Hoff things, but seriously, would you want to have the same name as a waitress at a truck stop who smells like cigarettes with a faint hint of death?

Bobby Abreu - "El Comedulce"
This roughly translates to the uber-gay sounding, "The Candy Eater". CREEPY.

Larry Walker - "Booger"
Everyone knows a Booger. Seriously, if you don't, you're a shut-in. Booger's the guy who gets smashed at a party, has stains all over his shirt, is a little over-weight, and is trying to fight some girl's boyfriend from out of town by the end of the night. Booggggerrrrrr!

Dmitri Young - "Da Meat Hook"
Okay, so using "Da" is corny and aggravating to me. It's promoting this wigger MTV bullshit that everyone should be shunning instead of embracing. But when you get down to the real nitty-gritty details of this nickname, it's great, because Young has a habit of beating the shit out of his women, so maybe this is what he calls his right hand right before he punches them in the face...another role model for the kids.

Joel Zumaya - "Zoom Zoom"
This ones sounds like a nickname for a handicapped kid. And that's why it fits perfectly, because Zumaya is a fucking retard.


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