Thursday, May 29, 2008

Creepy Comparison #23: Burnouts!


We all loved Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli in, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, he played a great burnout character. Plus, it was before Penn went out and became an insufferable douchebag!

To Penn's right is Khalil Greene, incumbent shortstop for the San Diego Padres. And what's up with that name anyway? Is he black? Is he Jewish? Nope, he's white! He also wins the all-time social profiling award for newspaper box scores.

A Few Rants About New York City

Look, I need to get a few things off my chest, so either continue to read, or keep reloading the page until AK posts another article about how much smarter he is than everyone else in the world.

1. Who the fuck told women that those big stupid sunglasses look good? People that wear these look so fucking stupid, I almost pity them - almost. I saw a woman today in the Rockefeller Center Concourse that was wearing a long gold trench coat, those huge retarded sunglasses (inside of an area that is underground) and a fake tan that looked like it came out of the deck-staining section of Home Depot. And she was buying a bacon-egg-and-cheese from Dunkin Donuts! Hey ugly, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE! Just because you vacuum some rich guy's cock on occasion, it does not make you special. Die.

2. Just a tip for everyone out there in case they run into me on the subway - if you try and get in the car before I'm out of it - man, woman, child, invalid - you will catch a hard shoulder or a lugey on the back of your shirt/blouse/skin. I don't care if you have a knife and want to kill me, the obedience of my own personal rules is more important.

3. People who walk around and play with their fucking treos at 7AM should be suffocated with a grocery bag. It's 7AM! You'll be at work in a couple of hours, so shove that fucking thing up your ace and try and walk faster than a crippled 5 year old. I can't tell you how many times my path of direction has been cut off by one of these fuckfaces, tapping away, super excited to read a stupid email from his fatso boss. Oh yeah, which reminds me, if you work with me, just for reference, I delete any email in my inbox that comes in after normal working hours out of principal. I don't care if it gets me canned, because if you're thinking about work at fucking midnight while you watch reruns of CSI with your fat stupid wife, crash your car into a telephone pole.

4. To all people who walk in the wrong direction on a subway platform, staircases, and sidewalks - MOVE TO LONDON IF YOU'RE HAVING ISSUES! Seriously, is it that fucking hard to know your right from your left? Sometimes I envision myself pushing all of these people down the dirty platform steps and watching them bounce around like a tennis ball...but I don't, I usually turn up whatever crappy Indie-Rock song I'm listening to and sigh heavily.

5. Tourists: I do not speak whatever language it is that you're babbling in. Stop asking me where shit is on some cheap map you bought off of a bum. And I don't know what you mean when you point at a fucking wall, okay?

That's all for now...but I'm sure there will be more to come.

3 comments:

The Primanti's Kid said...

Genius

Douglas said...

It's almost like you took all of that out of my very own head...well said.

Doc Holliday said...

I aim to please. I also am on the verge of a Travis Bickle type summer, so stay tuned!