Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Equivilant of Comedic Manure

I was at Yankee Stadium on Saturday, quietly nursing a hangover by chugging a beer an inning, but mostly enjoying the serenity of the left field line. There's nothing like watching a game in relatively cool weather when it's not so cold that you get a nipple infection from the constant friction of your jersey (or in some people's cases, out-dated t-shirt jerseys with players who sucked to begin with), and it's not so hot that due to sweating, it feels like you pissed your pants. That's where I was at. And it was a good time.

Until the man pictured above struck.

No, it wasn't that exact guy, but someone similar. The unfunny heckler. I'm always astonished while in the presence of one of these dickheads, only because they are genuinely uncreative and annoying. It's a different story if the guy is hammered, because there's always the chance that he slips and smashes his head on the cement stairs while everyone laughs at him and he takes the subway back to his mom's house and bleeds steadily from his ears. But if the guy is sober, and he's yelling out corny shit, than it gets fucking aggravating.

Trust me on one thing here, I am all for heckling. The more the better. If you spend the whole game ripping on some rookie outfielder because you've never heard of him - amazing. Tell him you're going to go hunt down his girlfriend in the stands and punch her in the head, that'll throw him off. If you like to attack the super stars because their personal life is now a public issue - I want to hear more. But be funny, don't be hokey. I can't fucking stand hokey comments.

The guy sitting behind us sounded like he ripped off 2 packs of Marlboro Red's a day, and judging by his douchey goatee and short stature, he was overwhelmed with a Napoleon Complex. I was hoping for a cop to come over and brain him with a Blackjack, but it never happened. And the worse part was, he never changed his approach - it was the same shit over and over. Here's an example, word-for-word, of what he was yelling:

"Hey Ichiro, there's no Starbucks in the Bronx!"
"Hey Ichiro, go get a Latte!"

*Here's my other problem with these statements - by telling Ichiro to go get a Latte, but also telling him that there's no Starbucks in the Bronx, how is he going to accomplish the request? This added to the shittiness of this guy's awful attempt to bring attention to himself.

So you get the idea. Unfunny screaming followed by silence, followed unfunny screaming...it's the equivalent of watching two old men trade haymakers in front of a TV you're watching - nobody wins. Also, we were about 25 rows up the leftfield line, Ichiro plays centerfield, and Ichiro speaks Japanese, so I'm assuming all Ichiro thought he heard was an impaired individual choking on some Cracker Jacks.

This sporadically went on for a few innings, until some other Yankee fan the size of Thor told him to shut up, and told him that yes, there is actually a Starbucks down the block. Eventually (even though I don't know for what) they tossed the guy out, and hopefully pushed him in front of a garbage truck, not for heckling of course, but for being an unoriginal pile of shit.

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