Monday, May 12, 2008

Jheri-Curled Canadiens Can't Close

Breaking news! Breaking news! Eric Gagne was removed from the closer's position for the Brewers this weekend. Holy shit! Where have I been? You mean to tell me a guy who hasn't been really good in 5 years has been relegated to cleaning up dog shit in the parking lot? Why are people surprised? Why are sports writers making such a big deal about this? Is it really Associated Press deserving news?

No. It's idiocy at it's lowest.

Milwaukee's front office is about as smart as a non-hobo who eats out of the trash. Did they really expect this fat four-eyed fuck to turn it around after he basically walked out onto the rubber in Fenway last year, dropped his Maple Leaf boxer-shorts, and took a dump on the mound? You reap what you sow, friends, remember that. And since these sausage eating fatso's signed a washed up scrub who used to be good to a huge contract, they deserve to be kicked in the balls by every season ticket holder in Wisconsin.

Here's another thing that bugs me: Why do managers insist on sticking with closers who can't even close a loan on a Kia Sofia, let alone close out the ninth inning for a major league club? And don't give me the old, "they need to keep his confidence high" bullshit, because it never works. Would you continue to watch your buddy get the shit kicked out of him in a bar fight, solely because he was landing 1 punch to every 7 of his opponents? If you say yes to this then I hope the next to you come home from work you walk in on your girlfriend having consensual sex with a homeless man on the couch where you were about to watch reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond".

Sticking to the topic at hand, over the weekend, another historically proven closer was removed from his position. Only Jason Isringhausen did it himself. At least this is a respectable move on his part. He knew he didn't have shit, so he benched himsel. Good idea, Jason, seriously. Instead of letting your brain-damaged meathead mentality rule, you make a smart decision with the greater good of the team in mind and take some time to recalculate things. I commend this, because I find players who keep themselves in the lineup even when they swing the bat like an elderly man trying to shoo away a hyper dog repulsive (same thing goes for pitchers who throw like my juice head neighbors in college who could bench press a car, but threw a baseball like the frontman for the Village People). Get over your huge ego and sit a few plays out, fuckface, you're still going to get paid either way. Stop acting like it's the end of your life and go nail some groupies, or go do some blow, or if that's not what you dig, then go pray to your Lord and Savoir, but please, stop embarrassing yourself, it's making me uncomfortable.

Other Notes:

- I love how the same critics who ripped Billy Beane are now all hopping inline to be his personal bathroom attendant. And of course, this is exactly why I fucking hate professional journalists.

Right now, here's what most of them are printing between the lines with their fat buffalo sauce stained sausage-link fingers:

"Well I knew, deep down the A's would be editor wanted me to stress how against our paper is with cheap MLB teams, even in baseball."

I would love to take a bowling pin and smash it right into their chubby fucking mouth.

- If I have to hear about the Marlins being a "feel good" team, I'm going to lay down on the FDR and stop traffic for eight hours. Since when is a cheap, dictator-esque owner who's holding his city hostage for a new stadium and refusing to pay for marquee names "feel good" (excluding Hanley Ramirez's new contract, because if Loria let him walk, every Ese in Miami would be two-oneing on his cozy doorstep)? Fuck off, there's nothing "feel good" here. They're playing well with young talent, that's it. Remember how "feel good" it was the last time Loria gutted his team and Joe Girardi almost made them a threat with nothing more than scraps and green rookies? Yeah, it was heart warming, Girardi got told to get the fuck out of town. That's what a great manager/owner relationship is all about.

So let's hear it - when is it too early to pull a closer? And just for reference, this guy below is the next one to be shamed into mop-up duty. But cool jorts, Trev, really, really, heterosexual.

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