Wednesday, May 21, 2008


There aren't many things in this gorgeous sweet world that rub me the wrong way more than a sportscaster/television personality/weatherman/hobo who thinks he (or she) is an ex-professional athlete, and for whatever moronic reason, abide by the same code that ex-athletes do. It aggravates me more than celebrities who think their political views and voice matter, even though they couldn’t name the fifty states with a map sitting on their lap, and in reality, they would rather be blowing lines of coke off of Susan Sarandons's cock...But I’m getting off topic here, so let me reiterate my above statement: I cannot stand when nobodies pretend to be ex-athletes, and then through the power of their respective media, protect someone who they think is one of their own.

And who's the biggest culprit on the face of the earth?

Stuart Scott.

Now, before you assume I’m attacking Stuart Scott simply because he’s a hokey over-the-hill loser, I’ll fill you in on why I hate this douchebag oh so much. It’s not the blatant cry for attention he executes flawlessly on-air every night, like a 1st grader shitting his pants because his parents ignore him at home...and it’s not the God awful, murder inducing, unfunny jokes he rips off in succession like running farts show after show after show...No, neither of these characteristics are why I’d love to see Stuart Scott get pegged in his good eye by a knife-shaped cock.

The real reason I hate Stu is because of his deliberate blindness (no pun intended, wucka-wucka!) and ignorance when it comes to athletes who do bad things, because he feels the need to protect them. It’s that simple.

In the most recent ESPN the Magazine (reading this was my first mistake) Scott made such an idiotic remark that I wanted to drive up to Bristol and lob a cinder block at his car windshield. More importantly, this isn’t the first time he’s defended an athlete who has done something ridiculous, or retarded, or just plain insane. He does it ALL THE TIME. Mike Vick? Old Stu wanted to give him a fucking high five even after Vick admitted to killing dozens of dogs for sport. Tank Johnson? Stu thought Tank was just quirky, albeit misunderstood. I bet he even wanted to go hiking with Chris Henry, too. But the statement that drove me over the edge was one he made pertaining to Pac Man Jones.

I’ll get into the particulars in a moment, but let me fill in those who are unfamiliar with Scott’s section of “The Mag”. It’s a small sidebar layout where readers submit questions for Stu to answer.
Here’s my personal take on some of these hard-hitting write-ins:

Q - Yo Stu,
How is UNC going to do this year in the NCAA Tournament?
- Joe

A- What up, Playa?
Call me butter cause I’m on a roll. Tar Heels all the way, playa! Drop it likes it’s hot. I’m representin' and I got more flavor than cocoa. Cool as the other side of my pillow. Baby blue and heels and what-what, Booya!!!

You get the picture. For the most part, Scott’s responses are about as funny as a stroke, or as invigorating as a bum puking in a mailbox. But his most recent “article” really chapped my ass. Some fat hick eating ribs in Dallas (assuming) asked Scott that if he (Scott) were in charge of an NFL franchise, would he sign or trade for Pacman Jones?

And what was this insufferable dip-shit’s response?


He created a stupid scenario where he would trade for Pacman, and then force him into a sit-down with four or five cagey vets so they could have a “talking to” with him.

Here’s the first thing I want to know - if this sort of tactic doesn’t work for five year-olds with ADHD, then how the fuck is it going to work for a grown man who thinks it’s a great idea to bring garbage bags full of money to strip clubs, throw the money around, and then shoot people for trying to pick it up? Are you fucking serious, Stu? I mean, really, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

*Me = shaking with anger as I type this.

Another issue I have with his words is what was implied between the lines. Scott - in so many words - is saying the Titan’s veterans weren’t influential enough to control Pacman after his wave of rapes/beatings/shootings began, but he (Scott) knows how to convince other veterans to do so. This alone is fucking moronic. Here's an idea, Stu, why don't you go down to Nashville and tell Albert Hayensworth you think his leadership skills suck so he can dent you head with his cleats?

I’m generally a forgiving person, and deep down, I could find forgiveness in my cold, black heart for the two above infractions, but what really gets me, what really makes my stomach churn is this: Why the fuck would you even want Pacman Jones on your team? What’s the benefit? He’s a fucking criminal! He’s a cancer to the team! That’s as black and white as it gets, nerds. Every single NFL team (including the Bengals) should grow a fucking sack and shun Pacman’s services. And it's not that I really care what particular crimes he committed, it’s more because I have to hear people like Scott and Berman and Jaworski beat the topic into the fucking ground every time I turn on the TV.

Lawrence Phillips was a talented guy, so was Cecil “The Diesel” Collins, but look what they’re doing now, they’re making grown men piss sitting down and calling them “Sally”. Sometimes it just makes more sense to push your chair back and say, "Thanks, but I'll pass." Some guys aren't going to change, no matter how much money you give them or how many ex-cops you hire to walk them around like their fucking King Kong.

This whole “bad seed” persona is not a new concept, whatsoever. Athletes have been fucking up for a long time. But for some reason, some people (rich, fat, white guys with zero ability to judge character) think they can change one of these “bad boys”. Who knows, maybe the repressed sense of homosexuality these jolly white men developed while in prep school deep down really likes the bad boy. But let me ask you a simple question – Out of all of the “guy trying to turn it around” stories you’ve heard in your lifetime, how many of them turned out for the better?

Exactly, but what do I know?

Apparently Scott thinks he’ll be able to do the impossible and change Pacman for the better, and this isn’t a surprise, because Scott’s an egocentric fuckface. Unfortunately, the worst part about all this is Scott will never know how much of an idiot he is because front-running dummies and fringe fans will continue to read his dribbling rambles.

Maybe one day the ESPN execs will wake up and finally can this fucking kiss-ass. Maybe one day someone will walk up to Scott and break his glasses, if only to remind him that he has never played professional sports. Or, in a perfect world, maybe one day Pacman Jones will steal Scott’s wallet and then call him “Sally”.

We all have dreams...


AK-47 said...

Josh Hamilton on the Rangers is the only guy I can think of that has 'turned it around.' Out of baseball for 3 years because of drugs, he's back and raking. He got some pretty sweet tats while he was away.

Doc Holliday said...

Here's the difference - Josh Hamilton was abusing himself, he wasn't injecting heroin into other people or punching women in the face. And if he was, then sue me, but drug addicts do not fall in the same category as guys like Chris Henry, Pacman Jones and Elijah Dukes.

The Primanti's Kid said...

Hey guys -- Mike Tyson really turned things around, didn't he? I mean besides the whole ear-biting, face-tattooing, publicly proclaiming his desire to eat children, then quitting in the middle of a fight, bursting into tears and admitting that he had no heart and only agreed to the fight because he was broke...

Maybe that was a bad example?

Doc Holliday said...

Yes, Mike Tyson is a real pillar of the community nowadays. My favorite moment came during a press conference where he told a female reporter that he didn't speak to females unless she wanted to "fornicate" with him.

Super classy.

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