Thursday, May 15, 2008

Welcome to Loserdom

When it comes to the New York Jets, negativity is in my bloodstream. Why? Well, there's never been a reason to think otherwise, that's why. Yes, The Jets have had their brushes with glory and sniffed the beautiful scent of victory, but ultimately, they've always let me me down. It's a cyclical testicle-kicking relationship, and I've never been the one delivering the blows.

Some people tell me football(and baseball for that matter)"is just a game". I whole-heartedly disagree with this statement, and then I usually smash these naysayers in the face with a stainless steel napkin dispenser. But seriously, for the most part, the people making these dumb statements are usually hippies who spend their biweekly paycheck on a new bong and still hang tapestries on their bedroom wall even though they graduated from college six years ago. Football is more than a game. It's a sport, which translates into a hobby, which translates into something that occupies a significant amount of my free time. And if that isn't a good enough rebuttal(not very good at all, actually), then go fuck yourselves. Cursing = win.

So why am I venting about this now? Well, it started with a recent article tagged on the Jets homepage and then spiraled into an out-of-control angry frenzy that sent me sifting though seventeen years of Jets draft debauchery. Yes, this is a much publicized event - the Jets fucking up during the draft - but it's never really been recounted by a real fan, or at least by me. And nobody knows the true perils of what it's really like to be fed up with almost two decades of retardedness unless they've bled green and white, and for almost a decade, highlights of black. So here's a rundown, with pictures, if only to highlight the shittiness a little more than it already is...highlighted.


Blair Thomas - Running Back of the future right? Oh wait, he went to Penn State, he sucks. Who's that guy that went later in the 1st round at #18? Emmit Smith? Eh, he'll probably be a bust anyway...


With no 1st round pick (it was used in the supplemental draft a year earlier in order to acquire Wide Receiver Rob Moore, who decided he didn't want to be good until he left the Jets...nice), the Jets take Browning Nagle to take the reigns from a now blind and deaf Ken O'Brien. He fails.


Ever hear of Johnny Mitchell? No, I'm sure you haven't. In short, he was a head-case Tight End who barely played five professional seasons - 4 for NY, 1 for Dallas, then quit altogether so he could presumably spend his days sucking at life.

1993 - 1994

LB Marvin Jones followed by Aaron Glenn - could their be an upswing in intelligent picking? We'll see...


...No, not a shot...The Jets have two 1st round picks, and they use them on Kyle Brady and Hugh Douglas. First off, the Jets just drafted a TE in the first round three years earlier, only enhancing the fucking idiocy of the Brady pick. Second, Brady was as useful as a paper bag in the rain during his tenure with the team. Third, Douglas didn't hit stardom until after he left the Jets. I want to bad mouth him here, but he sucker punched Queen T.O. in the locker room while with the Eagles a few years back, so that is a lifetime pass in my book.


The infamous Keyshawn Era. Did he live up to the hype? Eh, he was good, but not earth-shattering. He had two Pro Bowl years, helped lead the team to the AFC Championship (die Keith Byars) in 1998, but ultimately will be remembered for shitting on the "flashlight" Wayne Chrebet. There's no better way to gain fanfare than to verbally attack a beloved teammate for no reason, other than to satisfy that gaping wound where your low self-esteem resides and to hide your tendency to sit on long neck Coors Light bottles during the wee hours of training camp.


This '97 1st round pick ended his time with the Jets in similar fashion as Hugh Douglas - Farrior got really good when he left. Actually, in all honesty, he was very good his last season on the Jets, but I guess the front office couldn't see the game from the same angle as every single fucking Jet fan watching it on TV.


No pick again - traded this one to New England for Curtis Martin. I obviously do not have a beef with this.


No pick again, this one was part of the Bill Parcells deal. Now, you may be asking yourself, "Why did they trade a 1st round pick for a coach with bitch-tits who will never play a down for the team?"
My answer? They're fucking stupid, that's why.

*Interesting note - the Pats used these two picks - the one for Martin and the one for Parcells - on RB Robert Edwards and LB Andy Katzenmeyer. Edwards blew his knee out playing touch football at the Pro Bowl after his rookie season (seriously), and I can only assume Katzenmeyer has a rape charge pending on him by now. Reminds me of what life was like in New England before they sold their soul to the devil and started cheating like everyone else.


This was supposed to be the franchise changing year. The Jets had four 1st round picks...FOUR-FIRST-ROUND-PICKS! And who did we get? Chad Pennington - boring...Shaun Ellis - boring...John Abraham - on the Injured Reserve every year by November...Anthony Becht - I would love to push him over the railing adjacent to a waterfall. God do I hate this worthless piece of shit. Becht encompassed everything that sucks about 1st round busts. Can't catch, can't run, can barely block - love the scouting here.


The Jets go out on a limb and snag Santana Moss, a true game breaker. Only he doesn't start until his third season, then has a breakout year, then gets injured the following year, and then is traded to Washington for Laveranues Coles, a guy the Jets already had on the team, but were too cheap to pony up money to keep. And what does the front office do after they re-acquire Coles? They give him a HUGE contract. You CANNOT make this shit up.


The Jets pick University of Alabama-Birmingham's prodigy, DE Bryan Thomas. I guess taking two DE's two years earlier wasn't enough. Thomas does what every Jet fan with a functioning brain predicts he will do: shits the bed. Repeatedly. Then he has one big season - in 2006 - and the Jets give him a gazillion trillion dollars. Good work again, cocksuckers.


My coauthor on this blog, Roger's Mustache, likes to refer to Dwayne Robertson as, "The Fathead". He's right, Robertson's noggin is fucking enormous. But that didn't stop him from being unproductive over 5 seasons at D-Tackle.


This is a sore subject here, because for once, the Jets stood their ground and took the best player available, Jonathan Vilma. And Vilma awarded the Jets for their graciousness by running down and devouring children whole in the street, terrorizing sleepy Jersey Shore communities with his unprovoked night attacks, and winning the Defensive Rookie of the Year. So what do the Jets do? Wait until his value is at an all-time low and trade him for some Creole Cakes and Crawfish Salads so that fat-fuck Mangini can appease his infinite appetite. Fuck you Mike Tannenbaum, I hope you trip on your porch steps and break the fall with your neck.


This was the year I became convinced that ex-GM Terry Bradway had a drinking/coke/gay prostitute addiction, and was in serious debt to some hoodlum who hated the Gang Green. Not only did he deal away the Jets first round pick, he accepted Doug Jolley in return for it. Another Tight End! Another motherfucking Tight End! And an unproven backup, no less. We all know the rest of the story, Bradway takes a Kicker with the Jets 2nd round pick and I feel my soul trying to drop a toaster in the tub.


The year of the O-Line. It's hard to tell how this one will look, but at least the front office didn't try and swing a 5 team trade where the Jets ended up with a 195 lb. Long Snapper from Poland and a Wide Receiver who's about to go to trial for murder. At least they have that going for them.


This pick is too close to the present, so I can't really pass judgment on this yet. But I like what I see from Darrelle Revis, and I'm hoping he turns out to be another Aaron Glenn. But there's a part of me that thinks he might end up more like Erik McMillan.

There you have it. Almost two decades of debauchery. Take it in, everyone, take it all in, because honestly, what else can you do but laugh? I don't think there's another franchise out there that's failed as many times as the Jets. And if there is, and you're a fan of that team, than promise me you'll give that noose an extra tug for me, okay Champ?


AK-47 said...

Wow, I guess that's pretty depressing when you take a step back and look at it.

Hey, you forgot David Harris from last year...heir apparent to Vilma. So I guess that means he'll have 2 more great years and wind up on the Panthers or something like that.

Douglas said...

Im assuming you guys are happy with the Nugent selection since he's not on the list?

Doc Holliday said...

I was only going after the 1st rounders, really. I don't even want to start on the 2nd round picks, ie Alex Van Dyke...

Dan said...

David Harris = Guranteed Stud. Mark it down.