Monday, June 30, 2008

Leading Off:

Why so glum, Justin? Ohh, it's because no one can pronounce your last name correctly.

  • Pronounced DUKE-sher, he's been maybe the most consistent starter in the majors this year. A reliver-turned-starter, he was one of the better set up men in the bigs from '04 - '06 and was lost to injury last year. He's reborn in the A's starting rotation this year and has given up more than 2 ER only once (3 ER) in 13 starts this season. He's gone at least 7.2 innings in 4 of his last 7 over which he's 5-2. If it wasn't for a stint on the DL earlier in the season he'd be in the conversation for starting the All-Star game for the AL, and that's a FACT. The rest of his stat line is:

8-5/85.0 IP/59 H/19 BB/4 HR/55 Ks/1.91 ERA/0.92 WHIP/.197 BAA


  • Jones Zone: Currently batting .394 through 74 games. He hasn't started a game since 6/20 and has been relegated to pinch hitting duties due to a right quad injury. He hasn't even been able to DH in AL parks during interleague play. Whatever, I hate this guy anyway.


  • Howard Watch: 114 K's through 83 games. On pace for 223 K's. Number of games this season in which he has NOT struck out: 12. Due to an unfortunate slump last week where he hit .167, his season .AVG is back down to .215. Keep on pressin' big guy!

The Ignorance Around Us


I was at a family party over the weekend, and I overheard an ignorant dick explaining to another ignorant dick - neither of which share this guy's Royal bloodline - that the Yankees, in order to salvage their season and make the playoffs, will "go out and buy the players they need" to contend, and that the Mets will "never take that route".

Not only does this statement reek of ignorance, considering it's mid-season and you can't actually "buy" a player, but it also makes me mad because it's a cold reminder that there are tons of fans out there, wearing all different logos on their hats, that are just like dickhead-from-the-party. I'm convinced that certain people refuse to educate themselves before vehemently defending these special ed bullet-points they created in their own tiny little minds.

When I explained to him that the Mets are actually made up of hardly any homegrown talent, he said, "They have more than the Yankees do."

I seriously wanted to break the Miller Lite I was holding over his head. Instead I took the moral high-road, told him to have fun on the bus ride back to the home, and walked away. His ignorance drove me to the brink of madness because it just proves that people actually believe the Yankees are the only team out there shopping for championships. It's like saying the Irish are the worst drunks while you finish off your twelve beer and then slam your car into a telephone pole, or saying the Polish are dumb right before you dive head-first into a kiddie pool.

But seriously - how can people continue to let themselves be manipulated by the fat-fucks in the media? Look, the Yankees may overpay for outside talent and may overpay for their own guys, but they have had a history - with a lapse from 1998 - 2004 - of grooming successful players through their farm system. let's take a look at the two teams starting lineups and rotations:

NEW YORK METS

C - Brian Schneider - Montreal Expos
1B - Carlos Delgado - Toronto Blue Jays
2B - Luis Castillo - Florida Marlins
SS - Jose Reyes - New York Mets
3B - David Wright - New York Mets
OF - Carlos Beltran - Kansas City Royals
OF - Ryan Church - Cleveland Indians
OF - Endy Chavez - New York Mets
SP - Johan Santana - Houston Astros
SP - Oliver Perez - Pittsburgh Pirates
SP - John Maine - Baltimore Orioles
SP - Pedro Martinez - Los Angeles Dodgers
SP - Mike Pelfrey - New York Mets
CL - Billy Wagner - Houston Astros


NEW YORK YANKEES

C - Jorge Posada - New York Yankees
1B - Jason Giambi - Oakland Athletics
2B - Robinson Cano - New York Yankees
SS - Derek Jeter - New York Yankees
3B - Alex Rodriguez - Seattle Mariners
OF - Johnny Damon - Kansas City Royals
OF - Bobby Abreu - Houston Astros
OF - Melky Cabrera - New York Yankees
SP - Chien-Ming Wang - New York Yankees
SP - Andy Pettite - New York Yankees
SP - Mike Mussina - Baltimore Orioles
SP - Darrell Rasner - Montreal Expos
SP - Joba Chamberlain - New York Yankees
CL - Mariano Rivera - New York Yankees

Gee, this couldn't be more obvious, could it? But even if I presented this info to certain fans using a fucking PowerPoint presentation, I doubt they would concede. Some people are just ignorant sports fans for life, with no shot of changing or educating themselves before they stumble around a graduation party wearing high-socks and holding an MGD, shitting on the Yankees with zero weight to their argument. And it works both ways. There are a ton of Yankee fans out there quoting invisible stats and demanding front office moves that make no sense, and they get to me just as much.

Sports ignorance is not bliss, it's fucking aggravating.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Does Shawn Chacon Hav'ta Choke a Bitch?


A recent press release is reporting that Shawn Chacon has been suspended by the Houston Astros, indefinitely, for slamming and choking General Manager/invalid, Ed Wade.

This is amazing.

Before he Ike Turner'ed the old man, I never thought Chacon would take the long road off the reservation, but apparently, he didn't like the way this old whitey:


...was talking to him, so he proceeded to body slam him onto the floor, most likely causing the old man to shit his pants. I'm sure there's some structural damage to Wade's hip as well, because when you're 98 years old, even a slight bump can shatter the entire joint like it's made out of saltine crackers.


MLB QUICK THOUGHTS

- Joba is the tits. Yeah, we all knew he was for real, but now I know it. This fucking kid can throw.

- If Jason Varitek gets the nod for the All-Star game over Joe Mauer, someone should blow out his tires on the Deegan. Fuck that over-the-hill antique who's going to be pushed out of Boston at the end of the year and shunned by the fan base when he returns to Fenway batting clean up for the Royals next year.

- The Cardinals rotation is like the Denver Broncos backfield: Plug in a 134 lb. valet parking attendant and he'll get you 90 yards rushing or a 12-8 record.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Please...


...Die.

Worst free agent signing of 2008, hands down. I don't care who you bring up, LaTroy is the worse(completely biased). Case in point:

1 Year $3.75 Million
1-1, 32.3 IP, 6.12 ERA

Cut him now, Cashman. I don't care if you have to fire your personal hooker that fluffs you every time you go take a piss, fire this piece-of-shit. Oh, you want Paul O'Neill's number because you want to pay homage to fucking Roberto Clemente?? You're a fucking MIDDLE-RELIEVER! You're not on pace to break 3,000 hits this season. You're a washed up loser who sucks and hasn't been relevant...well, ever.

Do everyone a favor and retire tomorrow, fuckface.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Creepy Comparison #26: Never Was'es


I know "was'es" isn't a word, but it's the best way to describe 75% of this bunch. First up is the great Jeff Kent (look at that sexy and at the same time disgusting porn mustache), and his counterpart, the always mediocre Tommy Hinkley. Hinkley's claim to fame is being George Clooney's yes-man/bitch, and starring in the overly weird, awkward and mildly retarded Back to the Beach, with Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello. If you haven't seen this movie drunk at 4am on HBO North Central West, don't go out of your way, because it's a pile of shit. But if you do lose the controller and end up vaguely looking at it while you wait for your Stouffer's French Bread Pizza to burn in the oven, you'll notice Lori Loughlin is in it, and she was hot back then. It was filmed right before John Stamos banged her and left her in a motel room sobbing during a week off from "Full House".


These are two ethnically handsome gentleman right here, if I do say so myself. On the left is fan-favorite and never-better-than-a-4th-outfielder Benny Agbayani. His claim to fame is doing the same thing Manny Ramirez once did - throwing the ball into the crowd when there was only two outs in the inning. Unfortunately for Benny, he couldn't carry Manny's diapers, so he was ridiculed by the legion of fat-fuck media personalities who can't let anything die, otherwise known as the NY Press. On the right is David Tua, a hard punching Samoan who once blasted people so hard in the face that experts (me) started referring to him as the next Mike Tyson. But he never made the leap into the elite class, and was humiliated by Lennox Lewis for the Heavyweight Belt. I hated Lennox Lewis at the time, and watching Tua jump around like a bulldog on coke, swinging wildly and getting battered by jabs, was like watching your best friend get beat up by the guy who fucked his girlfriend. He's clearly the enemy, but he's winning. So that's when you jump in and hit the guy from behind, then your other friends jump in and start kicking him. Pretty soon he's battered and beaten into a heap and we start high-fiving because you know what? fuck him. Anyway, what was I talking about?

Friday, June 20, 2008

Leading Off:


  • Heading into round 2 of Interleague this season, the D-Backs will play 2 series in AL parks. This could lead to SP Micah Owings occupying the DH spot in some or all of those games. How sweet would that be? An NL pitcher getting into the game in an AL park in the very role that was created to keep them out of the batter's box. I hope it happens, God I hate the AL. Here's Micah's career stat line:

(1 and a half seasons) 107 AB/32 Hits/9 2B/1 3B/5 HR/.299 BA/.339 OBP/.542 SLUG

  • Jones Zone: Currently batting .394 through 67 games. Saw his average plummet after a putrid last 7 games in which he batted .320 in 25 ABs. Good luck ass hole.

  • Howard Watch: 102 K's through 74 games. On pace for 223 K's. Hats off to the Rino for his first Golden Sombrero of the season this past Tuesday. 0 for 4 with 4 K's. Number of games this season in which he has NOT struck out: 10

Thursday, June 19, 2008

All-Star Bonanza - The NL

Ok, loyal WMHG? readers, here comes part II of the MLB All-Star roster preview, NL edition. In case you didn't notice, I used the All-Star logo with the white out background, as opposed to Doc's solid blue background. I thought this would be a fitting way to foreshadow the stark differences between the fledgeling AL and God's true favorite, the senior circuit, the NL. And awaaaaaaaay we go...

1st Base

Will Start: Lance Berkman
Should Start: Lance Berkman
This is about as much of a no brainer as there can be. I hate for the first position to be a short write up, but what do you want me to say. He's an animal.

2nd Base

Will Start: Chase Utley
Should Start: Chase Utley
He's 0 for his last 20 and he's still the best 2B in the NL by far. The kid can hit. I hate the Phillies. On a related note, if you ever have the unfortunate opportunity to see a Phillies game on TV, watch carefully if they show Chase in the dugout. When he takes his hat off, he exposes his soaking wet, slicked-back hair that he somehow never allows to dry. He looks like a vampire. It's creepier than Giambi's moustache.

3rd Base

Will Start: Chipper Jones
Should Start: Chipper Jones
If you read the 'Leading Off:' weekly post, you know why he's starting. Good work NL fans, so far so good.

Shortstop

Will Start: Miguel Tejada
Should Start: Hanley Ramirez
I spoke too soon. Listen, hat's off to Miggy for triumphing to this point of the season under the adversity he heaped on himself (Steriods, lying about age, etc.) and he is having a great year, but Hanley should not be overlooked. It's close, but Hanley's got a better OBP and SLUG, with 6 more HR and 11 more SB. Like I said, it's close but this kid's got it all.

Outfield

Will Start: Alfonso Soriano (Inj.), Kosuke Fukudome, Ken Griffey, Jr., Carlos Lee
Should Start: Nate McClouth, Ryan Braun, Ryan Ludwick
Here's the biggest problem so far. Chicago fans all got drunk one Friday day game and stuffed the ballots till there were no ballots left to stuff. It's insanity if Soriano and Fukudome are voted as starters. Soriano is out with a broken hand and won't even be back by the All-Star game. He was having a good season but still shouldn't start over any of my 3 picks. McClouth, Braun and Ludwick are head and shoulders better than any other OFs in the NL. They're all raking and have been consistant for the entire season. The lowest stat for each player combined into 1 line would be .291 BA/18 2B/15 HR/48 RBI/42 R/4 SB. That's the worst of each category and that fake stat line would be good enough to start.

Honorable Mention - Injured Ryan Church. He was making a run at it before that 2nd concussion. Who gets 2 concussions in the same season? Really? This is baseball.

Catcher

Will Start: Geovany Soto
Should Start: Bengie Molina
Glaring Chicago problem #2. Soto started off red hot, but his pace has slowed down considerably. He's hitting .256 over the last month and he's not even one of the top 3 offensive catchers in the league. I'd put Brian McCann or Russell Martin in over Soto. But my pick is Bengie, partly because he's hitting .315 with 44 RBI (tops among NL backstops) and partly because he's putting up with playing for the Giants. He must want to peg Zito in the forehead every time he has to throw a pitch back to him on the mound. Luckily, most of the pitches Zito throws never make it to Molina.

Pitchers

Who Should Be Picked: Edinson Volquez, Brandon Webb, Tim Lincecum, Ryan Dempster, Johan Stanana, Brad Lidge, Kerry Wood, John Rauch, Matt Capps

Edinson Volquez - The piece that came to the Reds in the Josh Hamilton trade (best trade for both teams since Beckett and Lowell for Hanley Ramirez and Annibel Sanchez (who threw a no hitter)(can you put parenthesis inside parenthesis...I wonder)) is also the odd's on favorite to win the CY Young so far. His numbers are staggering, with his only shortcoming being his control. 105 K's/59 hits in 88 IP, but he's also walked 44. The only SP in the NL this year with a K/9 above 10 (10.9 to be exact), he's given up only 3 dingers so far, has a .190 BA against and he sports a 1.64 ERA. SCARY.

Brandon Webb - He's nasty. I still remember his MLB debut start against the Mets. I'm sitting in the common room of my dorm in my underwear on a Saturday watching the game on a shitty antenna TV, and through the snowy reception I watched this rookie strike out 10 in 7 innings, all the while after every K the people upstairs could hear me scream, "Who the F*CK IS BRANDON WEBB!?" Well, he sure showed me, and he's never looked back.

Tim Lincecum - Who would also make the "Ugliest All-Stars of All-Time" team. Really take a good look at Timmy...if you dare. Equally as dominant this season as he is hideous, here's the line: 8-1/97.2 IP/95 K's/82 Hits/38 BB/2.21 ERA. Here's the kicker: He's on the Giants. I wonder what would happen if he was on a real baseball team. Yikes.

Ryan Dempster - I know, I know, it's hard to believe. Trust me, it's hard to say it and mean it. But he's got to get his due. I'm sorry, but an 8-2 record, 2.76 ERA and 1.09 WHIP with 81 K's through 94.2 IP and a .192 BAA for a first place team after being a heart-attack closer for the past 3 years? That gets you on the All-Star team.

Johan Santana - Am I a homer? I've been accused of worse. Fact is this slot could go to Johan, Sheets, Haren or Hudson and it's too close to call. What does that all add up to? The Met gets the nod in my book. For God's sake, we deserve 1 ray of light this season.

Relievers - They're all nasty, the whole lot of 'em. Lidge is re-born in the cesspool known as Philadelphia. I pray he faces the Cards in the first round of the Playoffs and Pujols knocks one off the roof of Pat's and Gino's again. Wood is in the role he was born to play and has so far been sick. 7-footer Rauch stepped in for Chad Cordero and has been lights out. Capps is the guy no one is talking about but go take a gander at his numbers. He doesn't walk anyone. He's the real deal on a Pittiful (pun) team.

When Good Italian GM's Go Bad


After hearing about J.P. Riccardi's most recent comments concerning Adam Dunn, I uncovered an extended transcript from the radio interview Riccardi gave. It contains a slew of other major leaguers J.P. does not have much respect for. These are all 100% real comments made by Riccardi (no).

C.C. Sabathia

"Now why would I want to go out and get fuckin' CC Sabathia? Give me one reason. His name sounds like it belongs to a fuckin' queer."

(Caller reminds Riccardi that Sabathia won the Cy Young last year)

"No he didn't. Gustavo Chacin won the fuckin' thing.. Call back when you get your fuckin' facts straight, cocksucka."

Manny Ramirez

"Why would I want this fuckin' guy? Oh! He's a fuckin' fanook. And he's a fuckin reetad! Look at him, he does all those mooley hand slaps with that other fat fuckin' dark-chink Ortiz - and he doesn't even like baseball. I bet he takes it up the ass, fuckin' cocksucka..."

(Caller asks is this is a fact)

"What? You fuckin kiddin' me? Yeah it's a fuckin' fact. Go ask Billy Beane."

Mike Piazza

"Mike Piazza? Who the fuck is he? I bet he's not even a real fuckin' Pizan. Best offensive catcher ever? Go fuck yourself...What's his lifetime average, .290, .300? Have yous ever seen how thick my fuckin' hair is?"

(Caller asks how his hair is relevant to Mike Piazza)

"Cause I fucked your mother, that's why!" (Riccardi laughs, and then punches his wife in the face for not stirring the gravy).

Ken Griffey Jr.

"This fuckin' Moolinya is overrated, ok? Next."

Alex Rodriguez


"Oh Marone, now this cocksucka is one piece of shit I can't stand. Remember when he yelled like a fuckin' (brings forearm into palm of other hand) behind John McDonald last year? If I wasn't preoccupied with the sweet sausages I had cooking on the fuckin' grill - the good ones from Arthur Avenue, Oh! - I would have strangled him my fuckin' self. A Vanculo! (flips back of hand under chin, then has red meat induced heart attack)"

Options Exercised


Really, Brian? I mean, really? This is the best you could do?

I don't give a shit that he pitched well for the Rangers earlier this season, he was cut for being an asshole...by THE RANGERS. Their #5 starter is a broom handle. Give me a fucking break, guys. Was Darren Dreifort too busy counting his money? How about Bud Smith? Was Eric Milton preoccupied with his plan to suck harder?

This blows.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Wednesday Quick Thoughts


- Travis Hafner is seeking a second opinion on his sore right shoulder. Hey Cleveland, want me to spell it out for you? Tell "Pronk" to start sticking that needle in his ass again. I know to you charmingly obese Mid-Westerners, it's inconceivable that this lovable, video game playing weirdo from North Dakota would ever juice, but look at how drastically his power numbers have decreased since the drug-testing crackdown a couple of years ago. Stats don't lie.

- Hank Steinbrenner, after his recent comments about the DH rule in the NL, is quickly becoming that boss you've had in the past (or still have) who knows shit about a sport, but continually butts in to a conversation hoping to be a part of it, but instead he drops lines that enhance his ignorance and make everyone else feel awkward. Stop talking, Hank. Just stop. Take a deep breath, go back into your office, slap Brain Cashman's yarmulke off, smoke some more cigarettes, and then whack off to another Jennifer Love Hewitt picture, Porky.

- The Cubs are in 1st place, they have the best record in baseball and they are adored by millions of dip-shits and housewives across the country who vaguely follow baseball and are starting to load up on the stupid wagon that's been empty since the Sox vacated it in 2004. Ryan Dempster is their #2 starter. Enough said. They are not going to win the World Series. But I hope HBO makes 54 more documentaries on them and ESPN runs 185 specials on the Cubbies. I hope newspapers from LA to NY get behind them and root them on. I hope they get to the World Series and end up in a Game 7 at home and with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th, down by 1 with the bases loaded, whoever is at bat undramatically pops out to the catcher to end the game. That would make me laugh so hard, I might shit my pants.

- Jose Reyes is a fucking baby. The guy has all the tools to be a real superstar - he can run, he can hit, he can field, he can have sex with Lindsay Lohan and not get gonorrhea - but instead of harboring it all, he throws tantrums and makes his new manager look like a dick. Great move, Omar, I hope the Wilpons fire you and toss your shit onto the curb while you're in the middle of blowing Pedro behind the paper-mache apple in the outfield.

- If Mark Shapiro holds on to C.C. Sabathia instead of trading him, I should be appointed General Manager of the team. That should be in the guidelines, because not only is it proving that GM's over-think and overvalue trading chips - they are also retarded. And that's where I come in...


I Hate NY Update

1. The guys Who Wear These Justin Timberlake-esque Fedoras

I don't when this trend started, but it needs to stop. You do not, in any way, shape, or form, look or resemble Justin Timberlake. You look like an asshole wearing a hat made for a gay man.

2. Off Track Betting Venues

I know this might strike a nerve with some of the people who visit this site - because they are degenerate gamblers - but hear me out before jumping to conclusions. I like to gamble every so often, I think it's fine for a normal person who goes to work every day to throw away their savings on a bullshit trifecta, but what I don't want is to have to see the mutants that frequent these places when I want to get a sandwich for lunch. It makes me want to vomit. They might as well set up a outpost where lowlifes can give away their childcare payments and stand around smelling like gin and B.O.

3. Tourists Who Ask Me to Take Pictures of Them

Let me give you a great piece of advice, Mr. Foreigner with your trendy black sunglasses and a stupid tanktop that lets your nipple hang out the armpit hole, if I'm holding this black thing up to my ear, it means I'm talking to someone on the phone, not waiting for you to come over, stammer through some broken English, and become your personal photographer. Drag along one of your family members for that, dickhead.

4. The AM New York People

Anyone who works in the city knows who they are - they stand inconveniently in front of a major foot traffic staircase/walkway and try and stuff a shitty paper in your hands. I should not be obligated to say no to you. I should not be obligated to take a paper and then throw it out five seconds later. Stop putting shit in my hands unless it's money or a firebomb to torch your stash of papers.

Sandwich Board Sodomizers

5. While on the subject of people causing sidewalk traffic jams, let me put this quandry out there - If I'm ever faced with either becoming that guy who has to wear a sandwich board and hand out flyers for Men's suits, or take a header off the Brooklyn Bridge - Guess who's doing a belly flop into the East River? This guy, motherfuckers!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Convenient Way Out


Do You Suffer From Any Of The Following Issues:

- Underachieving players?
- Bullpen with big mouths that lack consistency?
- Shaky rotation?

How do we solve this, you ask? Fire the fucking manager, that's how! He's the one to blame for it all, not the guy who put the team together...

Oh my God, what a surprise, Willie's replace is HISPANIC! This is getting really old, now. Is there ever going to be an investigation by the league on why the Mets front office is flushing out the black and white players/personnel? Of course not, they don't want to make any waves here, God forbid someone gets insulted.

Anyway, good luck, Willie, I hope you eventually head back to the Bronx where you're welcome and escape those cretins over in Queens.

Worst move of the season, Omar, you fucking overrated gray-haired patsy.

Monday, June 16, 2008

All-Star Bonanza - The AL


It's almost that time of year again. You know, when the insistent voting of New England white-trash and fat taxi-drivers from Queens finally pays off...When the hookers in the Bronx start buying family packs of Trojan Ultra-Lubricated condoms...When Bud Selig gets fitted for a new dog-hair toupee...When I go on vacation to the Jersey Shore and pass out drunk every day at 4pm...

That's right, nerds, the 2008 MLB All-Star game is upon us.

So, AK and I decided to do a little breakdown. My post will obviously leave me in such an aggravated state that I will be forced to go outside my building and inhale some secondhand smoke from the cleaning lady's Winston Ultra Light. Hmm, it already sounds super-enticing to me, so let me get my breakdown on paper so I can go be weird and make deep sniffing noises around a group of Guatemalans.

1st Base

Will Start:
Kevin Youkilis

Should Start: Kevin Youkilis

Look, nobody would rather see the Staten Island Fireman/doppleganging Jason Giambi out there with his handsome, sweaty mustache, but I'm playing Mr. Fair-Game today, so I have to give the nod to the Hanukkah loving Kevin Youkilis. Youk is more than the fat guy on the Sox who walks and drives up his OBP - he's added some pop to his bat as well. He also plays 54 positions, so he is a better defensive player than the Giambino.


2nd Base

Will Start: Dustin Pedroia

Should Start: Ian Kinsler

Like I said in the opening paragraph, people in New England have nothing better to do than try and represent their stupid region through ESPN online polls (fact). I guess having pride in your players is more important than putting food on the table for your fat wife and stupid kids, but as long as Pedroia starts, it's all worth it!


3rd Base

Will Start: Alex Rodriguez

Should Start: Alex Rodriguez

Before all of you Yankee haters out there jump all over this pick, let me state my case: Yes, Joe Crede has been playing well and keeping the White Sox offense relative, but even after missing a month due to injury, A-Rod's numbers are still more impressive. And seriously, how many people in Chicago are going to remove their obese asses from their recliner that's covered in dog hair to sign on to their America Online dial-up account and then vote for Crede? I say not enough, fatso's!


Shortstop

Will Start: Derek Jeter
Should Start: Michael Young

This one is close, because AL shortstop depth is atrocious, but Young gets the nod, but only because I want Jeter to take a few days off, go rake some sluttish groupies, and then get ready to raise his second half average to where it belongs.


Outfield

Will Start: Josh Hamilton, Manny Ramirez, Ichiro
Should Start: Josh Hamilton, Manny Ramirez, Milton Bradley

It's almost a given that Ichiro will start in the All-Star game. He probably has some super-sonic Japanese electronic machine that scientists rig up to get him 4,000,000 votes a day (racist assumption), but it works. I think Bradley should be in, not only for his staggering statistics, but also because he's crazy and crazy people need to be put on stage in front of a live American audience. Could you imagine if Bradley attacked someone during the All-Star game? Bud Selig would drop dead and his hair-piece would fall into the dirty stands of Yankee Stadium. It's a win win situation.

*Note: Josh Hamilton is a demi-god.


Catcher

Will Start: Joe Mauer
Should Start: Joe Mauer

What's sad about the state of catching talent in the AL is you could make a case for Posada to start, based solely on offensive stats, and taking into consideration he's missed about 30 games already. But Mauer deserves is, so God bless. But if Varitek makes it, I'm going to hopefully catch him on the 4 train and hit him in his stupid goatee with a pipe.


Pitchers

Who Should be Picked (Starter First) - Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Rich Harden, Scott Kazmir, Francisco Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera, George Sherrill, Jonathan Papelbon.

This is tough, so I'm just going to give my opinion on each one of the guys I picked instead of trying to predict who might be selected by Terry Francona.

Cliff Lee
- Not as dominant as of late, but his first two months were fucking sick. Good comeback story, too.

Roy Halladay - Has more complete games than any pitching rotation in baseball. Plus, if he played for any other team that had more offense than a geriatric softball team, he would probably be 13-2.

Dice-K - Before his injury, he was ripping it, and even though he was shaky at times, his numbers don't lie: 8-0, 2.53 ERA. Oh, and the Red Sox are 10-1 when he's on the hill. Hey Beckett, go fuck yourself.

Rich Harden - I know he's missed time with injuries - as always - but he's by far the most dominate pitcher in the AL when he's on. Seriously, he scares the shit out of opposing players. He's the type of guy who - barring injury - would be a perennial 18-20 game winner every single year. Unfortunately, he has the pain tolerance of a 9-year-old girl.

Scott Kazmir - Another guy who missed significant time with an injury, but c'mon, look at his numbers: 6-2, 1.74 ERA, 54 K in 51.7 IP, 0.96 WHIP. Plus, it's always fun to see tears well up in Mets fans eyes when they see a Kazmir stat line, or watch him mow down one of their Latin Lovers. God Bless Victor Zambrano and Rick Peterson's curly 'fro.

Relievers - Their numbers collectively speak for themselves, so I don't really feel the need to list their stats, because I'm lazy and I'm hungry. If you wanted to be annoying, you could probably make a case for Joe Nathan, but you're not going to convince me he deserves to make the roster and one of these guys deserves to be ousted, so go trip in front of a girl/guy you desperately want to have relations with, loser.


**Stay tuned for AK's ultra-intellectual, stat-overloaded, grammatically incorrect post on the NL All-Star roster - Coming Soon!**

Broken Wang


If lore is correct and God truly is a Yankee fan, then why does he do shit like this? Huh? God is a front runner. He's probably got a sweat-stained Sox hat on right now, telling all his friends that he was always a Sox fan at heart. Then he's going to commit another hate crime against his new black neighbors and tell them to go back to wherever the fuck they came from.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Let The Search Begin...

"Hey Bri...wanna start up a slow-pitch, latin-dominated softball team when we're both out of work?!"

Well New York baseball fans, here we sit.  2 teams, 2 disapointments to this point of the season.  What could this lead to?  How about 2 new GMs.  The Mets are already rumored to be a heartbeat away from a major management shake up which could see the departure of Manager Willy Randolph, Pitching Guru Rick Peterson and our beloved Hitting Coach HOJO.   Things obviously aren't good, but (Mets fan that I am) I have to say that they are 3 blown saves away from things being not quite that bad.  All of this adds up to the possibility of another disappointment in Queens which could push the Wilpons hand into firing Omar "The Latin King" Minaya. 
For the boys from the Bronx, they're a few games better in the standings than those Metsies but still, it seems like there has never been more doubt surrounding the Bombers over the past decade then there is right now.  The fact is, Brian Cashman's contract is up at the end of the season.  Add to that the little proclamation in which Steinbrenner said (I don't even know/care anymore which one actually said it) at the beginning of the year "this is Cash's team". This no doubt implied that since it was his decision to keep all the kids and not get Santana, if the team doesn't perform let alone miss the playoffs it's his ass on the line.
This got me thinking that if this albeit unlikely event happens they're gonna need someone to take the reins in both front offices.  Here's who I think could fit the bill:

YANKEES

1) Brian Sabean - Current San Francisco Giants Senior VP and General Manager.  The Giants have fallen on hard times lately and even though he signed a recent contract extension many believe he could be on his way out sooner than later.  Has taken plenty of heat for the Zito contract disaster.
Why A Good Fit?  He's used to handling and older team, and recently has some experience with youth.  He also dealt with the most high maintenance superstar that ever lived, Barry Bonds.  If he can deal with him, he can handle NY.


2) Bernie Williams - Former Yankee OF great that was an integral part of the infamous "Yankee Dynasty" of the mid-90's to early-00's.
Why A Good Fit? He's so beloved by the Yankee faithful that there's no way they'd turn on him if things didn't turn around right away, right?


3) Leslie Nielsen - Former bungling spy that has worked with high profile athletes such as O.J. "The Murder'n Running Back" Simpson.  
Why A Good Fit? Has strong MLB ties exhibited by his brief work as an Umpire when he went under the name Enrico Pallatzo.  Additionally, his hilarious hi-jinx around the office would be a welcome breath of fresh air in the Bronx.  The first header he takes down 2 flights of stairs will be sure to bring the Steinbrenners to their knees in laughter.  Plus, has that classic "old guy" look that's nice to see in a G.M.

METS

1)Peter Finch - Seen here as Howard Beale in the 1976 film Network.  Beale was a derranged former TV news anchor that finally had enough and busted out the famous line, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"
Why A Good Fit? Well, I can't imagine he knows shit about baseball but how entertaining would it be if every time the going got tough in Queens the G.M. got up and went over to a window in Shea Stadium and started ranting like Doc after an Asian person walked into him coming out of a subway car!!!


2) Brian Cashman - Why not, right?

Leading Off:


  • Unless you've been living under a rock, you know Josh Hamilton (apparently off the wagon, above) is establishing himself as a legitimate MVP candidate. Actually, if you live under a rock you can still get XM or Sirius, whichever one has the MLB package, so you should still know this anyway. In his first year with the Rangers, after being traded for the equally surprising Edinson Volquez, Hamilton's current stat line is: 275 AB/87 Hits/46 Runs/71 RBI/17 HR/18 2B/.316 BA/.361 OBP. He's on pace for 158 Games/110 Runs/170 RBI/41 HR. That's an MVP in my book. He's looking like the first guy to have 100 RBI by the All-Star break (which he'll obviously be starting in) since Juan Gonzalez in 1998. It's not that big a deal though, the guy that did it before rootin' tootin' 'roid shootin' Juan-zo was Hank Greenberg in 1935, so it's fairly common. Like Haley's Comet common.

  • Jones Zone: Currently batting .414 through 61 games. He now has a strained right quad that kept him out of the lineup for 2 days. He's 2 for 8 in the 2 games since his return where he saw is average drop 6 points from .420. He's obviously washed up.

  • Howard Watch: 91 K's through 68 games. On pace for 217 K's. Slow but steady, big fella.

The Reversal


Hey Billy, good work on that whole 'call out your teammates while they're in a slump' a few weeks back, looks like Karma has been kind to you.

Oh wait it hasn't?

Well that sucks.

Who else is elated to see this smug, uppity cockface blow save, after save, after save? I can't get enough of it. Nothing makes me happier than seeing someone like Wagner collapse and then having his own medicine rammed into his barbecue sauce covered mouth. Bet you wish you could crawl into your hick car and get away from the media now, huh dummy? Maybe you should have thought this through before you called out your teammates?

Wagner's Stats Before Media Tirade on May 14:

15.2 IP, 8 SV, 1 BSV, 0.00 ERA, Opponent BA: .125

Wagner's Stats After Media Tirade on May 14:

11.1 IP, 5 SV, 3 BSV, 5.56 ERA, Opponent BA: .298

I hope a crazy Mets fan attacks you with a weed-whacker in the players parking lot one night and you tear your favorite pair of Wranglers running to your Ford F-150, hillbilly.

Karma truly is, a fucking bitch.



Update: I Hate New York

- Why do people carry sun umbrellas? Has anyone who lives in Manhattan besides me noticed this lately ? What is this, fucking 18th Century Paris? You're pale, ugly, and not of aristocratic roots, so put the umbrella down and go to work, stupid.

- Have you ever gone to the Regal Theater on West 42nd Street? Don't even ask me how the fuck I got talked into going there, but I did, and let me tell you, I'd rather eat a salad prepared by a bum than ever go there again. Not only was I forced to watch the new Indiana Jones debacle - which by the way, contrary to critics 'rave' reviews, was like watching your dad lose a fight in your teen years after you build him up as a hero through childhood. Also, while I'm on the topic, Shia LeBeuf should be blacklised from Hollywood for accepting a part where he is instructed to act like a tough guy. Hey Shia, you're 124 lbs, shut the fuck up before I give you a swirly, nerd. Anyway, avoid the theater.

- If you see a man with disheveled hair wearing one of his seven wrinkled dress shirts, cursing to himself on a stopped downtown 2 train surrounded by fat fucks eating McDonald's French-fries on their way back to Brooklyn, that's me. Say hi.

- Speaking of subway cars - Can someone please explain to me why, after a long day of aggravating work, heat, and general retardation, I have to step into one of these overcrowded coffins and stare at advertisements for fucking feet and clef pallets? Why? tell me why, please! It makes me want to fucking barf. Look, I understand we need to help third-world countries and clef pallet babies and all that jazz, but do you REALLY think advertising in a subway filled with pissed off commuters is the route to go? Why not take out some ad space in the Hampton's Douchebag Journal or whatever it's called, maybe one of those rich cocksuckers can donate a few of the bills he or she is using to light their cigar with. And as for the feet stuff, I get so fucking disgusted that I literally dry heave. Why not plaster pictures of canker sores, shit-in-toilet, and ass-pimples? I want to go to these doctor's offices and smash them in the head with a fucking Fungo bat, then take my bare feet and punt them right in the mouth.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Alternate Reality Series - Jason Giambi


Jason "The Golden Boy" Giambi is one of the most respected hoods in all of the United States. He is known for his newly acquired disgusting physique and his tendency to cook and eat pounds of sweet sausage on the beach, wearing only a gold thong. He is also renowned throughout the semi-gay California mob underworld for his porn-esque mustache and long, juicy locks of gross, unwashed hair.

Giambi's life of crime began in 1995 when he became the designated driver for crime boss and perennial lush Tony "Helmet Head" LaRussa. At the time, LaRussa was constantly berated by other crime figures for being hammered 24/7. He would often piss his pants at sit-downs, and sometimes, to the disgust of everyone, shit in them. It was not a pretty sight. When LaRussa was removed from power, Giambi spent a few more years in the beautiful California sun before heading East to make his mark.

It was the move to New York that put Giambi on the map. He was recruited specifically by the Boss of all Bosses, the Capo di tutti capi, Joe "Clay Face" Torre. Under Torre, Giambi went from small time hood to hot shot enforcer. He also began growing his weird mustaches, which made all of the big-haired Jersey woman scream with delight. In the early part of the decade, The Giambi "Super Erotic Mustache Ride" was considered a Jersey Shore staple for any woman with dark skin, bleach blond hair, and a heartbeat.

But it was at the peak of it all that Giambi fell onto hard times. His juicing habits got out of hand, and during the fall of 2003, in a fit of rage, he tore Irish mobster Aaron Boone's foot off at the ankle. He was shunned by everyone, including fellow juice provider and Jewish liaison David Eckstein. Between his disappearance in 2004 and near offing in 2005, things seemed to be on a final downward spiral for Giambi.

What saved him from an untimely death was a a warm hearted gesture by a cold-bastard-of-a-man. He came clean with the boss, and begged for forgiveness. Torre knew that if he had Giambi killed he would never again get to see Giambi's dirty mustache, so he gave him a pass. This made Torre smile, and his old creepy wrinkles crinkled up into small rolls, forcing one tear to trickle down his old clay-like face.

Giambi proceeded to gain 150 lbs, fall back into habit, and then have Torre shipped out of town. Now he runs under young gun Joe "Salt and Pepper" Girardi and his mustache is as strong as ever. How long will he stay as a stalwart in the New York mob? Only time will tell...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A Simple Quandry


In a recent article on ESPN.com, Buster "Jesus with a Pen" Olney details the plea of a player (amongst others) on the Mitchell Report roster who's still searching for a job - the one and only Jay Gibbons. I'm not going to rip into Gibbons - even though his letter reeks of awful desperation - because at least he tucked his tail between his legs and fessed up to his mistakes. He sent a letter to all 30 teams in an attempt to land a minor league deal and play some more baseball before he's found dead on the floor of a motel room with cocaine and pills stuck to his lifeless body and spread out all over the floor...so at the very least I have to give him some credit for that.

What I'm posting about today are my thoughts on the moronic quotes made by uber-dickhead Jeff Boris, Barry Bond's ego-masterbator/agent.

The agent (Borris) for Barry Bonds says that no team is interested in his client -- not even for a minimum salary -- and the circumstances for the lack of offers make him "suspicious."

"We were able to get him a $19.2 million contract [with the Giants] based on those 2006 numbers," Borris said. "And the numbers went up in 2007 -- and yet we can't even get him a $390,000 deal with any team. Not a single team has any interest. It makes me suspicious."


Seeing these quotes drove me to the brink of homicide. I was seething. So instead of tracking him down at his compound in Beverly Hills, I decided to write him a letter. Please see below.


Hey Jeff,

What's going on? How's everything been going? Quiet off-season, I presume. Anyway, I wanted to know if you were the guy who's been spending all of your free time under a highway overpass paying homeless guys $20 so you can blow them? That's what I was assuming, since your recent statements concerning your #1 client, Mr. Barry Bonds seem to reflect a serious lack of knowledge.

So you're suspicious about why there aren't a slew of GM's lining up at Barry's door with a contract in hand? Are you some sort of a fucking detective now? Are you going to pull out your magnifying glass and start an investigation, hoping you might sort out this huge mystery? Well let me save you some time and explain the situation before you go around looking like more of a bloodsucking agent who genuinely deserves to be shot in a field like a dying dog - In case you didn't hear, you know, because of all that overpass traffic, Barry's on trial. Yes, a real trial, not like one of those fake trials that NFL players go on after they rape a woman and/or kill her. Now, I'm sure you're in shock, so have a seat on whatever douchey piece of furniture is closest to you and take a minute to breath.

Okay, I hope you're composed now. It's a hard truth to swallow, but it's a fact. Barry is being shunned by teams not only because of his ongoing trial, but also because of the rampant steroid accusations, the fact that his head and feet have grown quicker than Curt Schilling's dick at a GOP convention, and the fact that he comes with more baggage than a coked up Hollywood elitist trying to conceive a baby with the Pope. Does that simplify it for you, retard?

Do you still think this is one big conspiracy against your client? Or are you pulling what most loyal agents pull when one of their clients get into hot water - the old "I don't know what the big deal is" schtick? I'm assuming this is the case, and if so, then I hope you get sideswiped on the sidewalk by a tourist who's headed to the Chinese Theater to stand around and take pictures and clog up foot traffic.

Die slowly,

Doc

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Creepy Comparison #25: Let Me Explain

This one is more of a personal anecdote. Now, it's very unlikely you know who either of these guys are. Any WMHG? reader who's also an avid baseball fan might know the dude on the left is Adrian Gonzalez. He's having a big season, currently leading the NL in RBI. I was watching the Padres sweep the Mets in a 4 game set this past weekend and on Sunday, I noticed the guy on the right up at bat (he's on the Padres now, too). I naturally assumed he was Adrian Gonzalez, but then 2 batters later, Adrian Gonzalez came up to bat and I almost spit up my Gatorade (it was 105 degrees in NYC on Sunday) all over the living room. Turns out, it's his brother Edgar Gonzalez. So in actuality, it's not really that weird or creepy at all. They're brothers and they resemble each other. But from afar on TV while I was an hour deep into my heat stroke it was creepy squared. You had to be there, I guess.

The Kid


Remember when it cost less money to buy a bag of weed than to buy a gallon of gas and cigarettes cost less than a cheap hooker and you could smoke butts in bars because whiny people didn't think they had the power to complain? I do. It was around the same time Ken Griffey Jr. was the king of baseball.

"The Kid", at least in my book, will go down as the iconic player of my generation. There weren't many guys out there who could jack a home run, stare at it, and still mange to draw "ohhh's" and "ahhh's" from opposing pitchers. If Griffey hit a home run off of you it was an honor - similar to a handsome gay man hitting on you - it sucks that the guy thought you liked to prance around with your shirt tied up and wear daisy-duke jean shorts (I assume this is the practice), still, at least you know you're a good looking young man.

I digress.

The memories of Griffey are fond ones, interestingly enough, they're the complete opposite of the other player who was a perennial All-Star from 1990-1999, and also a Superstar/Cocksucker/ Guy-who-wore-a-cross-earring-long-after-it-was-cool - Barry "Satan" Bonds. Besides the fact that steroid allegations are linked to Bonds like a dingleberry in a Greek guy's ass, he is also a liar and a cheater and a douchebag, so let's celebrate Griffey and keep Bonds locked in whatever room Selig locked him in at the end of last season, okay?

Congrats on 600, I'm glad you're joining the elite ranks.

*Note: I do not count Sosa as one of the members of the 600 club. I hope he gets hit by a fucking train. No, I hope he gets hit by truck carrying corked bats and steroids...fucking piece-of-shit, hop around like an asshole, big-eared, dickhead. Die.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Fight! Fight! Fight!


After last night's Red Sox/Rays brawl, and Tuesday night's Rockies-Dodgers fiasco, I started to reminisce about all the great showdowns we've seen over the past few years. Actually, they're not really great showdowns, they're closer to drunken bar fights that just happen to take place on a baseball diamond. Girlish punches are thrown, awkward tackles are executed, pitchers throw gloves like very angry autistic 9 year-olds, batters throw helmets like the really good kid on your Little League team after he struck out because he knows his lunatic father who sits in the stands and keeps stats is going to yell at him and make him run wind sprints after the game is over...

But anyway...

Below is a list of some of the more memorable brawls in recent history. I decided against documenting the classics, because they've been covered again and again and again...Yes, we all remember Juan Marichal trying to brain Johnny Roseboro, and we all remember Carlton Fisk and Thurman Munson fighting at home plate and we all remember Pete Rose attacking everyone and then garnering sympathy from fans and purists alike. So here they are, in no particular order.


Pedro Martinez vs. Gerald Williams - 2000


This one happened before Pedro went crazy and started attacking geriatric fatso's that look like an Asian version of Elmer Fudd. Here are a couple of key pointers about this fight:

1 - Pedro got the shit kicked out of him. Gerald Williams was not very good at much, but he was good at releasing black rage.
2 - Doing a back flip over the mound unintentionally is never a good sign that you are competitively participating in the fight.
3 - Pedro went on to almost throw a no-hitter, until John Flaherty hit a single in the bottom of the 9th.

MVP vs. MVP - 2002


Juiced-up Barry Bonds goes after Porn Star Jeff Kent in the battle of teammates/assholes/Anti-Christs. My take is they were fighting over who is more white. Bonds obviously won. Kent was steamed, so to calm himself, he went into the clubhouse and made a bukkake video with Jenna Jameson and Brianna Banks.


Crazy Kyle is on the Loose - 2004/2005

There is only one man out on that diamond that's legitimately crazier than the whack-job's locked up in Bellevue. That man is Kyle Farnsworth. In 2004, he kicked the shit out of Paul Wilson, after Wilson stupidly decided to charge the mound. It was one of those - "Whoa! Is he really bleeding? I thought this was a baseball fight!" type moments. See below...



Then Kyle was then tested again the following year while pitching for the hapless Detroit Tigers. This time, he was not directly involved in the origin of the fight, but seeing that he is crazy, he decided to spice up the uneventful shoving match by picking up Royals reliever Jeremy Affeldt over his head and slamming him into the ground. Hard. Again, do not mess with this fucking guy, he's certifiable.



Chris Young vs. Derek Lee - 2007


If the guy you want to fight is 6'10'' tall, either tackle him, or kick him in the balls, but don't try and stand toe-to-toe with him, it's not a very good battle plan. Derek Lee learned this the hard way when he rightfully took offense to getting beaned in the head by a Chris Young fastball. He exchanged words with Young and then took a wild swing that missed by seventeen feet. More wild punches ensued, people tackled other people, and the rest of the team pushed and shoved for a few minutes before they realized that they were in the NL and nobody cared about them anyway.


The Michael Barrett Chronicles - 2007


Everyone loved it when Michael Barrett slugged that smug prick A.J. Piersiniski in the face during the North Side/South Side series in Chicago. He became a Sportscenter poster boy and a cheap-shot connoisseur. But then he tried to throw hands with Carlos Zambrano, and things got ugly.


Not only did Zambrano attack him in the dugout with a flurry of dykish hand slaps, apparently they also squared off in the locker room and Barrett ended up getting fucked up again - most likely by an even more brutal onslaught of open-handed smacks. The most embarrassing part of it all is, Barrett started telling the media how much they loved each other and it was similar to how siblings fight. Barrett was then shipped off in a trade to San Diego less than three weeks after the incident. Hmm, shows you just how close they really were.


I Hate NY Update

I was emailing with a friend earlier and we started talking and complaining about the typical commuter. Since I'm headed to my parents house tonight, I started to reminisce about the days before I lived in Manhattan and overpaid for Lite Beer, celery, and the privilege of living amongst a bunch of arrogant cocksuckers and escaped mental patients.

So here are my top least favorite things about the commuter train:

1. The guy who insists on squeezing in the unoccupied seat between you and another man in a three-seater. I almost always immediately remove myself from the situation and contemplate whether or not I should smash my bag over the guy's head. Be a fucking man and stand up in the entryway. Don't ever, ever sit between two guys, that's fucking gross.

2. The foreign girl on the phone. Seriously? Listen up, all you fucking Euro-trash out there: I don't care what your stupid fucking customs are over there, but here, in the US, we ignore one another and do not talk on the phone as loud as we can for as long as we can in a different language. Everyone is hoping you fall in the gap between the train and the platform and die. At least I am.

(Same goes for you white people/black people/Hispanics - nobody wants to hear your shit)

3. The sleeping guy who blocks me in. C'mon, dickhead, don't make me shake you and have to deal with your stupid disorientation because I need to get off the train and you commute three fucking hours to Poughkeepsie.

4. The guy who turns his stupid Mac laptop on four or five times during the course of a 40 minute train ride. Wow, Mac's must suck cock if they crash that many times. And the volume is ALWAYS at full blast. Nobody is impressed, four-eyes, those cute girls sitting near you are on their way to go get plowed by a bunch of meatheads who can't do long-division, so give it up.

5. The guy or girl in the two-seater who parks his or her tiny fag-bag on the adjoining seat during rush hour, and then proceeds to make a silent scene as he or she removes said bag so a pregnant lady can sit down before she keels over. I usually contemplate sucker-punching the Mr. or Miss in the face - and I refuse to make gender-based exceptions. The satisfaction alone would be worth the public scorn and ridicule and possible prison time. Plus, the violator sure as hell would never do it again! Wucka Wucka!

6. Teenagers on their way to some fun party that will involve casual sex and drinking gin because it's the only thing they could get their hands on but it doesn't matter because they're young and their stomach can digest a shoe. Please stop reminding me that I'm getting fat and I graduated from high school last decade.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Circus Begins


Look, I need to vent, and this is my soapbox, so if you're not interested in what I have to say about the Yankees, then check back tomorrow for a statistical analysis by AK, or a mysteriously short two-paragraph assault by The Primanti Kid. So I’m gonna say a few things, I’m gonna a say same bad words and you're just gonna have to deal with it...

First off, don't let the Daily News, or The New York Post, or whatever rag you're reading fool you, Joba's first start was not as bad as they're making it out to be. The home plate umpire's strike zone was the size of a grapefruit - a small grapefruit - and the balk they called on Chamberlain would've slid if it was any other pitcher out there. That's the problem with the umps, they love sticking it to guys, especially young phenoms on the hill for the Yankees.

But all the blame can't be put on the shoulders of those fat fucks. Some of it has to land on Joba's too. He was a little wild, he was a little jittery, but what can you expect when you're twenty-two years old and the entire stadium is expecting you to throw a perfect game - especially the classy retards sitting by me who most likely took the Staten Island Ferry on their way to The Bronx? It was important that he work himself out of a jam, and he did that, so he gets an ass-slap for that achievement. But there's no need for over-analysis here, it was 2 1/3 innings - a lot of pitches - some good, some bad.

The main issue here is the disaster that is the Yankees bullpen. I can't remember the last time their bullpen was so bad - it has to be at least 15 - 20 years. I don't know how Girardi and Cashman planned on surviving without a left hander - especially when that was one of the keys to old bullpen's success. Also, there's nothing in the minors that can solve this. Scroll through their minor league system, they have a SERIOUS lack of left-handed pitching.

Also, Jose Molina can go die under a highway overpass. He's a fucking scrub. Nothing epitomizes terrible game management more than calling curveballs on 3-2 counts. Hey Jose, did you ever see Joba's fucking fastball/slider? Challenge a fucking hitter! They were playing the Blue Jays, it's not like anyone on their roster is really on a tear right now. Oh my God, it's 40 year-old Canadian dickhead Matt Stairs! Throw a curve. Oh my God, it's the power phenom/nerdiest fucking name ever Lyle Overbay! Throw a curve. C'mon you curly-headed Puto - call the heavy shit and stop being an idiot.

What was the point of having Joba start anyway? Did they really imagine him going five innings on 70 pitches? If so, everyone in the front office should go drink a fresh glass of Drano, because that's some serious idiocy on their part. They should have plugged in someone to go 5 - then have Joba go 3 and then they could've trotted out one of the five scrubs in the pen or Mo.

All in all - last night's experiment was an epic failure. Fatso the Pig, Army Joe and Hanukah Brian need to get their shit together. Besides the fact that this season is slowly looking like the one where the Yankees miss the playoffs for the time in twelve seasons, it's also becoming more and more tedious to watch, simply because NOTHING is going right. Something needs to change quick, or I'm going to be stuck listening to Met fans slurp deeply on the end of Pedro's wang.

Yes, yes, I heard, he had two hits, he looked so good, blah blah blah, fuck yourself.

Update on I Hate NY

Why do tourists insist on taking pictures of storefronts on 5th Ave.? Do they really go back to Fatsotown, Ohio and tell their friends, "Hey look, here's the outside of the Lacoste Store, we didn't go inside but we took pictures, so look!" C'mon, grow the fuck up.

I HATE it when some balding fuck in an overcrowded elevator sees a bunch of the buttons light up and quips to his other balding loser buddy, "Looks like we're taking the local today..."
Oh, is that a reference to the subway system? You're so fucking clever, please say it every single time you come in the elevator. But next time you say it in front of me, I'm going to press every single button for each of the fucking 25 floors, and then kick you right in your cock, douchebag. Just shut up and stare and the floor like the rest of us.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Leading Off:

Proper Name: David Taylor Price
Born: Aug. 26, 1985 in Nashville, TN
High School: Blackman High School, Murfreesboro, TN
College: Vanderbilt
Ht.: 6-6 Wt.: 225
Bats: L Throws: L
Next Big Thing: YES
  • World, meet David, Dave, meet world. Here he is, folks...the next young arm to soon join those hard charging Rays. Drafted last year, he's currently TEARING up Single A to the tune of a 2-0 record in 3 games started with 18.0 IP / 19 K's / 8 H / 2 BB / 0.56 WHIP / 0.00 ERA / 0.138 BAA. He'll be in Double A before you know it and could be in the Bigs this year. I feel confident in posting this even though some guys from my fantasy baseball league might read it because I have the #1 waiver priority. If he comes up - he's mine.

  • Jones Zone: Currently batting .407. Really struggling the last 7 days, batting .320.

  • Howard Watch: 80 K's through 59 games. On pace for 220 K's. Keep the dream alive, Rhino.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Running it into the Ground


"Hey, did you hear the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (fuck you, Stuart Sternberg) are in 1st place!?"

"I said, did you hear that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are in first place!?"

"Yeah, it's true, this feel-good team, that's had 47 #1 picks over the last 10 years has finally begun to churn out talent. I know, I can't believe it either! I'm so excited, other fat-fuck sportswriter sharing a plate of coldcuts with me. I was super prepared to bash the shit out the Rays, their fans, their stadium and their awfulness until they started to win - now I'm on board the Tampa Bay Fan Express!"

(Toots fake horn, heterosexual men everyone become a little bit more impotent)

"Oh yeah, did you know they used to suck, too? I don't think it's ever been reported. I think I'm breaking new ground here, letting all you assumed dumb-fucks know that the Rays - yes the first place Rays - were once a bad team. I know, I know, you don't have to thank me, it's what I get paid for."

"So, yeah, the Rays were awful, and now they're not! In order to make sure you understand this, I'm going to go write 59 articles about them for whatever corporate cocksucking site pays for the cholesterol blockage in the upper valve of my heart, then blog about the wet dreams I have about Joe Maddon bending over to pick up a Snickers bar, then do an online chat on how long this team will be in 1st for, and then go buttfuck my life-sized Scott Kazmir doll!"

"...Oh my God, I forgot to tell you, Jeffrey Loria has done it again! I presume you're reading ESPN.com/MLB.com/CBCSportsline.com because you're just a casual fan, a housewife, or a fucking child who doesn't follow baseball, so let me fill you in on some more obvious shit: The Marlins aren't that bad! That's right! By dealing 99% of their good players and getting truckloads of blue-chip prospects in return, they are competing! Here, let me break it down for you in 76 different 4,000 word articles."

"...Oh yeah, and just when you think this whole underdog thing can't get better - it does! The A's - the team I predicted to be in the basement of not only the AL, but all of baseball, is actually not that bad. Hey, did you ever hear of Billy Beane, and the book called Moneyball? Oh you already have? Well, let me explain it to you anyway again and again until you can recite every major factoid from it, okay? Again, don't thank me, it's my pleasure. I'll be at the hot dog cart, drinking mustard and encouraging heart failure."