Monday, June 16, 2008

All-Star Bonanza - The AL

It's almost that time of year again. You know, when the insistent voting of New England white-trash and fat taxi-drivers from Queens finally pays off...When the hookers in the Bronx start buying family packs of Trojan Ultra-Lubricated condoms...When Bud Selig gets fitted for a new dog-hair toupee...When I go on vacation to the Jersey Shore and pass out drunk every day at 4pm...

That's right, nerds, the 2008 MLB All-Star game is upon us.

So, AK and I decided to do a little breakdown. My post will obviously leave me in such an aggravated state that I will be forced to go outside my building and inhale some secondhand smoke from the cleaning lady's Winston Ultra Light. Hmm, it already sounds super-enticing to me, so let me get my breakdown on paper so I can go be weird and make deep sniffing noises around a group of Guatemalans.

1st Base

Will Start:
Kevin Youkilis

Should Start: Kevin Youkilis

Look, nobody would rather see the Staten Island Fireman/doppleganging Jason Giambi out there with his handsome, sweaty mustache, but I'm playing Mr. Fair-Game today, so I have to give the nod to the Hanukkah loving Kevin Youkilis. Youk is more than the fat guy on the Sox who walks and drives up his OBP - he's added some pop to his bat as well. He also plays 54 positions, so he is a better defensive player than the Giambino.

2nd Base

Will Start: Dustin Pedroia

Should Start: Ian Kinsler

Like I said in the opening paragraph, people in New England have nothing better to do than try and represent their stupid region through ESPN online polls (fact). I guess having pride in your players is more important than putting food on the table for your fat wife and stupid kids, but as long as Pedroia starts, it's all worth it!

3rd Base

Will Start: Alex Rodriguez

Should Start: Alex Rodriguez

Before all of you Yankee haters out there jump all over this pick, let me state my case: Yes, Joe Crede has been playing well and keeping the White Sox offense relative, but even after missing a month due to injury, A-Rod's numbers are still more impressive. And seriously, how many people in Chicago are going to remove their obese asses from their recliner that's covered in dog hair to sign on to their America Online dial-up account and then vote for Crede? I say not enough, fatso's!


Will Start: Derek Jeter
Should Start: Michael Young

This one is close, because AL shortstop depth is atrocious, but Young gets the nod, but only because I want Jeter to take a few days off, go rake some sluttish groupies, and then get ready to raise his second half average to where it belongs.


Will Start: Josh Hamilton, Manny Ramirez, Ichiro
Should Start: Josh Hamilton, Manny Ramirez, Milton Bradley

It's almost a given that Ichiro will start in the All-Star game. He probably has some super-sonic Japanese electronic machine that scientists rig up to get him 4,000,000 votes a day (racist assumption), but it works. I think Bradley should be in, not only for his staggering statistics, but also because he's crazy and crazy people need to be put on stage in front of a live American audience. Could you imagine if Bradley attacked someone during the All-Star game? Bud Selig would drop dead and his hair-piece would fall into the dirty stands of Yankee Stadium. It's a win win situation.

*Note: Josh Hamilton is a demi-god.


Will Start: Joe Mauer
Should Start: Joe Mauer

What's sad about the state of catching talent in the AL is you could make a case for Posada to start, based solely on offensive stats, and taking into consideration he's missed about 30 games already. But Mauer deserves is, so God bless. But if Varitek makes it, I'm going to hopefully catch him on the 4 train and hit him in his stupid goatee with a pipe.


Who Should be Picked (Starter First) - Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Rich Harden, Scott Kazmir, Francisco Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera, George Sherrill, Jonathan Papelbon.

This is tough, so I'm just going to give my opinion on each one of the guys I picked instead of trying to predict who might be selected by Terry Francona.

Cliff Lee
- Not as dominant as of late, but his first two months were fucking sick. Good comeback story, too.

Roy Halladay - Has more complete games than any pitching rotation in baseball. Plus, if he played for any other team that had more offense than a geriatric softball team, he would probably be 13-2.

Dice-K - Before his injury, he was ripping it, and even though he was shaky at times, his numbers don't lie: 8-0, 2.53 ERA. Oh, and the Red Sox are 10-1 when he's on the hill. Hey Beckett, go fuck yourself.

Rich Harden - I know he's missed time with injuries - as always - but he's by far the most dominate pitcher in the AL when he's on. Seriously, he scares the shit out of opposing players. He's the type of guy who - barring injury - would be a perennial 18-20 game winner every single year. Unfortunately, he has the pain tolerance of a 9-year-old girl.

Scott Kazmir - Another guy who missed significant time with an injury, but c'mon, look at his numbers: 6-2, 1.74 ERA, 54 K in 51.7 IP, 0.96 WHIP. Plus, it's always fun to see tears well up in Mets fans eyes when they see a Kazmir stat line, or watch him mow down one of their Latin Lovers. God Bless Victor Zambrano and Rick Peterson's curly 'fro.

Relievers - Their numbers collectively speak for themselves, so I don't really feel the need to list their stats, because I'm lazy and I'm hungry. If you wanted to be annoying, you could probably make a case for Joe Nathan, but you're not going to convince me he deserves to make the roster and one of these guys deserves to be ousted, so go trip in front of a girl/guy you desperately want to have relations with, loser.

**Stay tuned for AK's ultra-intellectual, stat-overloaded, grammatically incorrect post on the NL All-Star roster - Coming Soon!**


Anonymous said...

Rich Harden is a beast. Tears up MLB batters....a week ago, Vladimir Guerrero hit a HR off him on a changeup almost on the ground, the next time he was up, Harden was throwing 100mph fastballs past him. Whew!

Anonymous said...

You Forgot DH. Ortiz is hurt , and Matsui is still recovering from the knee thing, but he (Matsui ) should go.
BTW: Most Japanese players do not get online support from Japan. They have all earned their appearances, otherwise Kenji Johjima and Tadahito Iguchi (amongst others) would be there