Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Circus Begins


Look, I need to vent, and this is my soapbox, so if you're not interested in what I have to say about the Yankees, then check back tomorrow for a statistical analysis by AK, or a mysteriously short two-paragraph assault by The Primanti Kid. So I’m gonna say a few things, I’m gonna a say same bad words and you're just gonna have to deal with it...

First off, don't let the Daily News, or The New York Post, or whatever rag you're reading fool you, Joba's first start was not as bad as they're making it out to be. The home plate umpire's strike zone was the size of a grapefruit - a small grapefruit - and the balk they called on Chamberlain would've slid if it was any other pitcher out there. That's the problem with the umps, they love sticking it to guys, especially young phenoms on the hill for the Yankees.

But all the blame can't be put on the shoulders of those fat fucks. Some of it has to land on Joba's too. He was a little wild, he was a little jittery, but what can you expect when you're twenty-two years old and the entire stadium is expecting you to throw a perfect game - especially the classy retards sitting by me who most likely took the Staten Island Ferry on their way to The Bronx? It was important that he work himself out of a jam, and he did that, so he gets an ass-slap for that achievement. But there's no need for over-analysis here, it was 2 1/3 innings - a lot of pitches - some good, some bad.

The main issue here is the disaster that is the Yankees bullpen. I can't remember the last time their bullpen was so bad - it has to be at least 15 - 20 years. I don't know how Girardi and Cashman planned on surviving without a left hander - especially when that was one of the keys to old bullpen's success. Also, there's nothing in the minors that can solve this. Scroll through their minor league system, they have a SERIOUS lack of left-handed pitching.

Also, Jose Molina can go die under a highway overpass. He's a fucking scrub. Nothing epitomizes terrible game management more than calling curveballs on 3-2 counts. Hey Jose, did you ever see Joba's fucking fastball/slider? Challenge a fucking hitter! They were playing the Blue Jays, it's not like anyone on their roster is really on a tear right now. Oh my God, it's 40 year-old Canadian dickhead Matt Stairs! Throw a curve. Oh my God, it's the power phenom/nerdiest fucking name ever Lyle Overbay! Throw a curve. C'mon you curly-headed Puto - call the heavy shit and stop being an idiot.

What was the point of having Joba start anyway? Did they really imagine him going five innings on 70 pitches? If so, everyone in the front office should go drink a fresh glass of Drano, because that's some serious idiocy on their part. They should have plugged in someone to go 5 - then have Joba go 3 and then they could've trotted out one of the five scrubs in the pen or Mo.

All in all - last night's experiment was an epic failure. Fatso the Pig, Army Joe and Hanukah Brian need to get their shit together. Besides the fact that this season is slowly looking like the one where the Yankees miss the playoffs for the time in twelve seasons, it's also becoming more and more tedious to watch, simply because NOTHING is going right. Something needs to change quick, or I'm going to be stuck listening to Met fans slurp deeply on the end of Pedro's wang.

Yes, yes, I heard, he had two hits, he looked so good, blah blah blah, fuck yourself.

Update on I Hate NY

Why do tourists insist on taking pictures of storefronts on 5th Ave.? Do they really go back to Fatsotown, Ohio and tell their friends, "Hey look, here's the outside of the Lacoste Store, we didn't go inside but we took pictures, so look!" C'mon, grow the fuck up.

I HATE it when some balding fuck in an overcrowded elevator sees a bunch of the buttons light up and quips to his other balding loser buddy, "Looks like we're taking the local today..."
Oh, is that a reference to the subway system? You're so fucking clever, please say it every single time you come in the elevator. But next time you say it in front of me, I'm going to press every single button for each of the fucking 25 floors, and then kick you right in your cock, douchebag. Just shut up and stare and the floor like the rest of us.

1 comment:

AK-47 said...

Speaking of stat analysis:

Bottom 5 2008 AL Catchers, by VORP

Player, Team, EqA, VORP

Jose Molina, NYA, .187, -5.7
Kenji Johjima, SEA, .207, -5.4
Ramon Hernandez, BAL, .213, -4.4
Kurt Suzuki, OAK, .220, -3.3
Kelly Shoppach, CLE, .205, -3.1

VORP is one of those fancy, new age Baseball Prospectus stats that stands for Value Over Replacement-level Player. Translation, how much better/worse is any given player than the league average replacement.

As you can see, not only can't Jose Molina call a good game, he's also the worst hitting/least valuable catcher in the American League this season.

I can still hear the Yankee announcers tripping over themselves saying how great it is the Yanks have a catcher with the skills and ability Molina has the day after Posada got hurt. Good call guys.