Monday, June 23, 2008

Creepy Comparison #26: Never Was'es

I know "was'es" isn't a word, but it's the best way to describe 75% of this bunch. First up is the great Jeff Kent (look at that sexy and at the same time disgusting porn mustache), and his counterpart, the always mediocre Tommy Hinkley. Hinkley's claim to fame is being George Clooney's yes-man/bitch, and starring in the overly weird, awkward and mildly retarded Back to the Beach, with Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello. If you haven't seen this movie drunk at 4am on HBO North Central West, don't go out of your way, because it's a pile of shit. But if you do lose the controller and end up vaguely looking at it while you wait for your Stouffer's French Bread Pizza to burn in the oven, you'll notice Lori Loughlin is in it, and she was hot back then. It was filmed right before John Stamos banged her and left her in a motel room sobbing during a week off from "Full House".

These are two ethnically handsome gentleman right here, if I do say so myself. On the left is fan-favorite and never-better-than-a-4th-outfielder Benny Agbayani. His claim to fame is doing the same thing Manny Ramirez once did - throwing the ball into the crowd when there was only two outs in the inning. Unfortunately for Benny, he couldn't carry Manny's diapers, so he was ridiculed by the legion of fat-fuck media personalities who can't let anything die, otherwise known as the NY Press. On the right is David Tua, a hard punching Samoan who once blasted people so hard in the face that experts (me) started referring to him as the next Mike Tyson. But he never made the leap into the elite class, and was humiliated by Lennox Lewis for the Heavyweight Belt. I hated Lennox Lewis at the time, and watching Tua jump around like a bulldog on coke, swinging wildly and getting battered by jabs, was like watching your best friend get beat up by the guy who fucked his girlfriend. He's clearly the enemy, but he's winning. So that's when you jump in and hit the guy from behind, then your other friends jump in and start kicking him. Pretty soon he's battered and beaten into a heap and we start high-fiving because you know what? fuck him. Anyway, what was I talking about?

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