Friday, June 6, 2008

Fight! Fight! Fight!

After last night's Red Sox/Rays brawl, and Tuesday night's Rockies-Dodgers fiasco, I started to reminisce about all the great showdowns we've seen over the past few years. Actually, they're not really great showdowns, they're closer to drunken bar fights that just happen to take place on a baseball diamond. Girlish punches are thrown, awkward tackles are executed, pitchers throw gloves like very angry autistic 9 year-olds, batters throw helmets like the really good kid on your Little League team after he struck out because he knows his lunatic father who sits in the stands and keeps stats is going to yell at him and make him run wind sprints after the game is over...

But anyway...

Below is a list of some of the more memorable brawls in recent history. I decided against documenting the classics, because they've been covered again and again and again...Yes, we all remember Juan Marichal trying to brain Johnny Roseboro, and we all remember Carlton Fisk and Thurman Munson fighting at home plate and we all remember Pete Rose attacking everyone and then garnering sympathy from fans and purists alike. So here they are, in no particular order.

Pedro Martinez vs. Gerald Williams - 2000

This one happened before Pedro went crazy and started attacking geriatric fatso's that look like an Asian version of Elmer Fudd. Here are a couple of key pointers about this fight:

1 - Pedro got the shit kicked out of him. Gerald Williams was not very good at much, but he was good at releasing black rage.
2 - Doing a back flip over the mound unintentionally is never a good sign that you are competitively participating in the fight.
3 - Pedro went on to almost throw a no-hitter, until John Flaherty hit a single in the bottom of the 9th.

MVP vs. MVP - 2002

Juiced-up Barry Bonds goes after Porn Star Jeff Kent in the battle of teammates/assholes/Anti-Christs. My take is they were fighting over who is more white. Bonds obviously won. Kent was steamed, so to calm himself, he went into the clubhouse and made a bukkake video with Jenna Jameson and Brianna Banks.

Crazy Kyle is on the Loose - 2004/2005

There is only one man out on that diamond that's legitimately crazier than the whack-job's locked up in Bellevue. That man is Kyle Farnsworth. In 2004, he kicked the shit out of Paul Wilson, after Wilson stupidly decided to charge the mound. It was one of those - "Whoa! Is he really bleeding? I thought this was a baseball fight!" type moments. See below...

Then Kyle was then tested again the following year while pitching for the hapless Detroit Tigers. This time, he was not directly involved in the origin of the fight, but seeing that he is crazy, he decided to spice up the uneventful shoving match by picking up Royals reliever Jeremy Affeldt over his head and slamming him into the ground. Hard. Again, do not mess with this fucking guy, he's certifiable.

Chris Young vs. Derek Lee - 2007

If the guy you want to fight is 6'10'' tall, either tackle him, or kick him in the balls, but don't try and stand toe-to-toe with him, it's not a very good battle plan. Derek Lee learned this the hard way when he rightfully took offense to getting beaned in the head by a Chris Young fastball. He exchanged words with Young and then took a wild swing that missed by seventeen feet. More wild punches ensued, people tackled other people, and the rest of the team pushed and shoved for a few minutes before they realized that they were in the NL and nobody cared about them anyway.

The Michael Barrett Chronicles - 2007

Everyone loved it when Michael Barrett slugged that smug prick A.J. Piersiniski in the face during the North Side/South Side series in Chicago. He became a Sportscenter poster boy and a cheap-shot connoisseur. But then he tried to throw hands with Carlos Zambrano, and things got ugly.

Not only did Zambrano attack him in the dugout with a flurry of dykish hand slaps, apparently they also squared off in the locker room and Barrett ended up getting fucked up again - most likely by an even more brutal onslaught of open-handed smacks. The most embarrassing part of it all is, Barrett started telling the media how much they loved each other and it was similar to how siblings fight. Barrett was then shipped off in a trade to San Diego less than three weeks after the incident. Hmm, shows you just how close they really were.

I Hate NY Update

I was emailing with a friend earlier and we started talking and complaining about the typical commuter. Since I'm headed to my parents house tonight, I started to reminisce about the days before I lived in Manhattan and overpaid for Lite Beer, celery, and the privilege of living amongst a bunch of arrogant cocksuckers and escaped mental patients.

So here are my top least favorite things about the commuter train:

1. The guy who insists on squeezing in the unoccupied seat between you and another man in a three-seater. I almost always immediately remove myself from the situation and contemplate whether or not I should smash my bag over the guy's head. Be a fucking man and stand up in the entryway. Don't ever, ever sit between two guys, that's fucking gross.

2. The foreign girl on the phone. Seriously? Listen up, all you fucking Euro-trash out there: I don't care what your stupid fucking customs are over there, but here, in the US, we ignore one another and do not talk on the phone as loud as we can for as long as we can in a different language. Everyone is hoping you fall in the gap between the train and the platform and die. At least I am.

(Same goes for you white people/black people/Hispanics - nobody wants to hear your shit)

3. The sleeping guy who blocks me in. C'mon, dickhead, don't make me shake you and have to deal with your stupid disorientation because I need to get off the train and you commute three fucking hours to Poughkeepsie.

4. The guy who turns his stupid Mac laptop on four or five times during the course of a 40 minute train ride. Wow, Mac's must suck cock if they crash that many times. And the volume is ALWAYS at full blast. Nobody is impressed, four-eyes, those cute girls sitting near you are on their way to go get plowed by a bunch of meatheads who can't do long-division, so give it up.

5. The guy or girl in the two-seater who parks his or her tiny fag-bag on the adjoining seat during rush hour, and then proceeds to make a silent scene as he or she removes said bag so a pregnant lady can sit down before she keels over. I usually contemplate sucker-punching the Mr. or Miss in the face - and I refuse to make gender-based exceptions. The satisfaction alone would be worth the public scorn and ridicule and possible prison time. Plus, the violator sure as hell would never do it again! Wucka Wucka!

6. Teenagers on their way to some fun party that will involve casual sex and drinking gin because it's the only thing they could get their hands on but it doesn't matter because they're young and their stomach can digest a shoe. Please stop reminding me that I'm getting fat and I graduated from high school last decade.


Mister Turkey said...

Have you tried air travel lately? I guarantee you'll encounter some slobs whose behavior will make your head explode. Though not for beginners, I recommend flights from New York to Las Vegas. The jackass quotient is a lot lower on the return flight because all the loud-mouthed assholes lost their shirts in Vegas (despite their boasts to the contrary on the way out). In any case, this would fit nicely in your non-baseball realm.

Joan of said...

Although I love the baseball talk, I laughed my fucking ass off reading your I Hate NY tangents. Keep it up.

Doc Holliday said...

I'm glad the I Hate NY section is working, because I encounter shit daily that makes me want to smash people in the head with parking meters.

As far as air travel is concerned, I can't really comment, because I'm a pussy and I'm always so loaded up on Valium that even if you dumped a bucket of ice water on my lap, I would probably just nod, drool, and smile, and maybe piss my pants...

Ice said...

Good call on the NY - Vegas flights being annoying Mr. Turks... To throw my $0.02 in, my personal least-favorite time to do business flying (I fly every week with my job) is around Spring Break... There's nothing that makes me want to unleash some Monday-morning, dunkin donuts large iced-coffee induced, fury on unsuspecting college bimbos than to be standing in security at 6am in my nicely pressed pants next to 3 college juniors in pajama pants (with the name of their 'respective' university patched onto their ass) complaining about being up so early... Fuck you. You're off to sip pina colladas out of coconuts on a white-sand beach while I have to gulp down coffee that resembles an oil slick at your local 7/11 while formatting excel spreadsheets.... Damn do I miss Spring Breaks....

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