Monday, June 2, 2008

Running it into the Ground


"Hey, did you hear the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (fuck you, Stuart Sternberg) are in 1st place!?"

"I said, did you hear that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are in first place!?"

"Yeah, it's true, this feel-good team, that's had 47 #1 picks over the last 10 years has finally begun to churn out talent. I know, I can't believe it either! I'm so excited, other fat-fuck sportswriter sharing a plate of coldcuts with me. I was super prepared to bash the shit out the Rays, their fans, their stadium and their awfulness until they started to win - now I'm on board the Tampa Bay Fan Express!"

(Toots fake horn, heterosexual men everyone become a little bit more impotent)

"Oh yeah, did you know they used to suck, too? I don't think it's ever been reported. I think I'm breaking new ground here, letting all you assumed dumb-fucks know that the Rays - yes the first place Rays - were once a bad team. I know, I know, you don't have to thank me, it's what I get paid for."

"So, yeah, the Rays were awful, and now they're not! In order to make sure you understand this, I'm going to go write 59 articles about them for whatever corporate cocksucking site pays for the cholesterol blockage in the upper valve of my heart, then blog about the wet dreams I have about Joe Maddon bending over to pick up a Snickers bar, then do an online chat on how long this team will be in 1st for, and then go buttfuck my life-sized Scott Kazmir doll!"

"...Oh my God, I forgot to tell you, Jeffrey Loria has done it again! I presume you're reading ESPN.com/MLB.com/CBCSportsline.com because you're just a casual fan, a housewife, or a fucking child who doesn't follow baseball, so let me fill you in on some more obvious shit: The Marlins aren't that bad! That's right! By dealing 99% of their good players and getting truckloads of blue-chip prospects in return, they are competing! Here, let me break it down for you in 76 different 4,000 word articles."

"...Oh yeah, and just when you think this whole underdog thing can't get better - it does! The A's - the team I predicted to be in the basement of not only the AL, but all of baseball, is actually not that bad. Hey, did you ever hear of Billy Beane, and the book called Moneyball? Oh you already have? Well, let me explain it to you anyway again and again until you can recite every major factoid from it, okay? Again, don't thank me, it's my pleasure. I'll be at the hot dog cart, drinking mustard and encouraging heart failure."

1 comment:

AK-47 said...

The Rays have the first pick in this year's draft too. It's this Thursday.