Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A Simple Quandry


In a recent article on ESPN.com, Buster "Jesus with a Pen" Olney details the plea of a player (amongst others) on the Mitchell Report roster who's still searching for a job - the one and only Jay Gibbons. I'm not going to rip into Gibbons - even though his letter reeks of awful desperation - because at least he tucked his tail between his legs and fessed up to his mistakes. He sent a letter to all 30 teams in an attempt to land a minor league deal and play some more baseball before he's found dead on the floor of a motel room with cocaine and pills stuck to his lifeless body and spread out all over the floor...so at the very least I have to give him some credit for that.

What I'm posting about today are my thoughts on the moronic quotes made by uber-dickhead Jeff Boris, Barry Bond's ego-masterbator/agent.

The agent (Borris) for Barry Bonds says that no team is interested in his client -- not even for a minimum salary -- and the circumstances for the lack of offers make him "suspicious."

"We were able to get him a $19.2 million contract [with the Giants] based on those 2006 numbers," Borris said. "And the numbers went up in 2007 -- and yet we can't even get him a $390,000 deal with any team. Not a single team has any interest. It makes me suspicious."


Seeing these quotes drove me to the brink of homicide. I was seething. So instead of tracking him down at his compound in Beverly Hills, I decided to write him a letter. Please see below.


Hey Jeff,

What's going on? How's everything been going? Quiet off-season, I presume. Anyway, I wanted to know if you were the guy who's been spending all of your free time under a highway overpass paying homeless guys $20 so you can blow them? That's what I was assuming, since your recent statements concerning your #1 client, Mr. Barry Bonds seem to reflect a serious lack of knowledge.

So you're suspicious about why there aren't a slew of GM's lining up at Barry's door with a contract in hand? Are you some sort of a fucking detective now? Are you going to pull out your magnifying glass and start an investigation, hoping you might sort out this huge mystery? Well let me save you some time and explain the situation before you go around looking like more of a bloodsucking agent who genuinely deserves to be shot in a field like a dying dog - In case you didn't hear, you know, because of all that overpass traffic, Barry's on trial. Yes, a real trial, not like one of those fake trials that NFL players go on after they rape a woman and/or kill her. Now, I'm sure you're in shock, so have a seat on whatever douchey piece of furniture is closest to you and take a minute to breath.

Okay, I hope you're composed now. It's a hard truth to swallow, but it's a fact. Barry is being shunned by teams not only because of his ongoing trial, but also because of the rampant steroid accusations, the fact that his head and feet have grown quicker than Curt Schilling's dick at a GOP convention, and the fact that he comes with more baggage than a coked up Hollywood elitist trying to conceive a baby with the Pope. Does that simplify it for you, retard?

Do you still think this is one big conspiracy against your client? Or are you pulling what most loyal agents pull when one of their clients get into hot water - the old "I don't know what the big deal is" schtick? I'm assuming this is the case, and if so, then I hope you get sideswiped on the sidewalk by a tourist who's headed to the Chinese Theater to stand around and take pictures and clog up foot traffic.

Die slowly,

Doc

1 comment:

AK-47 said...

I don't know why teams won't sign him, he's obviously off the 'roids. How can I know for sure? Well, just look at the picture of him in the post. He's got a vicious tuft of fluffy gray chest hair shooting out of the top of his shirt. If that doesn't say 'aging normally again' I don't know what does...